The monster is torturing me

I haven't been posting a lot on here recently and while it has been selfish of me not to try and comfort those having more serious problems than myself, I suppose my decreased need for posting on PC is a good sign with regard to my mental health. I really have been better, but I'm starting to go downhill again it seems.

Some of you may be familiar with my history. I was severely depressed and suicidal a couple of years ago and I have cycled extremely rapidly between depression, hypomania and mixed episodes at various points. Right now I'm on Venlafaxine and Valproate and although I'm much more stable that when I was unmedicated and perfectly content about that, I've also become kind of flat. I don't feel anything. Nothing makes me happy or sad. I just don't care! I have no goal, no ambition, nothing that I wish to achieve, nothing to be afraid of failing at. Life is just stupid and pointless and boring. So much so that I simply don't care about it anymore. I don't care about living but I'm not exactly suicidal either. Not yet anyway. I do have suicidal ideation. My dad has a gun and I sometimes think of taking it and shooting myself in the head, but thinking about how devastated he (and the rest of my family and friends) will be makes me put the idea out of my head. But it keeps coming back and it really is very tempting. It'll save me from this emptiness and nothingness. I'm quite religious though and that's another thing that holds me back. I keep reminding myself that life is a gift from God and He won't be pleased at all if I just throw away his present! I've wondered if the sui thoughts may have been caused by my meds. That is possible, is it not? Specially seeing as my current situation is perfectly normal and satisfactory.

There's another thing. I try to strangle myself with my hands sometimes and in a twisted way I enjoy it. I like the choking and gasping for breath and the pain in my throat. I used to SI quite often but I quit ages ago. Can this be another form of self harm? I don't like it and I don't like myself when I do it. It's really sick! But it's almost as if the monster inside me (that's my name for mental illness) is trying to hurt me and take over my mind.

Things are really infuriating at the moment. There's something raging and storming inside me, but there's also something else that restrains it. It might be the meds or it might be fear or... I don't know. I just don't know.

Thanks for reading guys. I really needed to get that stuff off my chest.

Three words: GET HELP NOW. Call your local crisis line and tell them what you've told us. You are in a very dangerous position right now, with the sui thoughts and especially the self-injury by choking yourself, and you must get to medical care immediately.

Please, get help tonight. Even if you have to drive yourself to the ER and check into the psych unit, you need to go before you harm yourself any further. Do it!!

Thank you for being so concerned. It gives me a very pleasant warm and fuzzy feeling, but *sad smile* things are very different where I live. There is no crisis line and the ER would hardly care about a suicidal young adult. Suicide is a social taboo much more than it is a medical concern and if I told people how I feel I would probably get disgusted looks and angry comments only. Mental illness awareness is very low and the common belief is that you should be able to deal with your problems on your own. Otherwise you are considered either weak or dangerously out of control.

I don't think my position is that dangerous to tell the truth. I am a part of this society after all and I don't like to admit that I can't manage on my own if it can be helped. The urges are very mild and passive. I'm still hoping that they might go away soon. I'll be seeing my pdoc in two weeks. I'll tell him and see what his thoughts are. My meds might need tweaking a bit. Keep me in your prayers will you?

You are dangerously rationalizing. If you're posting to get attention, you've got it! I've been where you are when I began rapid cycling, many years ago. I see you're not in the US and yes, each culture views suicidal impulses and suicide in different ways but even in a Muslim culture, I have to believe there are psychiatrists who practice good, objective medicine, keeping their religious views to themselves.

I know of nowhere that suicide is not taken seriously. Go to the doctor who prescribe your meds or to the local hospital if there is no crisis centre. Go somewhere; anywhere. I am religious; that ceased to matter one time. I nearly died from a suicide attempt, and nearly dying can be worse than dying if you end up maimed or left very ill as in my case. I think now of all the things too that I'd have missed out on if I had died--my children growing up, my daughter getting married, me getting re-married, maybe grandchildren one day. Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We can't take suicidal ideation lightly. I agree you should get help now and not discount that advice so glibly or rationalize by saying there is a stigma where you live. Just go please. How awful we'd all feel if you didn't. You reached out to us, and we are reaching back. Take our hands and our help if you will. All the best to you, and don't apologize for feeling good and being away from PC for awhile. It's okay to have not needed us; we're glad you didn't in fact and sorry you are in a bad place. Hoping you'll be okay and having faith you will be.