Sui thoughts

I think pills are best. I just fall asleep.

I should pull my teeth out

Stop ... Stop ... Stop ... Please.

Yesterday you had a good day yesterday and one before that, Okay so today isn't so great, but tomorrow could be.

The intrusive thoughts you are having are just thoughts, you do not need to act of them, I could list a 100 reasons off the top of my head why you need to just hang in there. Read back through this entire thread you will find that you are just up and down right now, it happens , it sucks , but things are always changing.

And Im just going to be blunt and say something outloud that you may not want to hear but i think you need to hear it .....

"your children would never ever forgive you for doing something so selfish, and they would never get over it and it would cloud there life and relationships there entire life"

Just wait,relax,and know things will change.

Maybe I need the hospital again. I just can't stand being pursued all the time. They are after me. I would be safe there.

At least they wouldn't be after me in the hospital.

Maybe that would be the best. Is there an IOP program in your area ?

Outpatient you mean?

Yes intensive out patient ( IOP) .

Likely. Never looked it up.

You need to get your Pdoc and T on the damn ball, either your meds are off or your Therapy isn't helping you to identify triggers and how to handle intrusive thougths or probably a combo of all things. Medications can't fix all problems. Therapy is usually always in combination with medications so that you as is YOU can learn how to deal with the ups and downs of Bipolar and all the lies it tries to make everyone believe.

Insurance only pays for 12 visits a year. Period. Period.

IOP may be a different thing. There may be group therapy you can go, would be another place to find help/support..

I have no idea what insurance you have, they can all beat there chests like apes but there is always ways to get additional visits and help, you just have to beat your chest louder and longer than they are.

My t and pdoc tried. They said insurance said no. Period.

Have you checked into local country mental health care ?

Group visits count as an appointment.

What is local country mental health?

I see my Pdoc and T at the county mental health care ( most every county has one) When I first started there 3 years ago I had top notch insurance , they pulled the 12 visit crap my Pdoc and T, they got them to cover unlimited visits, because of just how messed up I was . So weekly visits with T and monthly or more often with Pdoc.

fast forward a year , I lost my insurance , the got me qualified in a program based off income ( or lack there of)and my personal need for there help professionally, the last 2 years I have seen my T weekly and my Pdoc every month or so, as often as i need at no cost to me not a single dime.

The bottom line is .. There is help and ability to get more help than you are currently receiving if you beat the bushes , make calls , stop in offices that offer any kinda of help or free health care.

I'm already on Medicaid. I feel like my only option is psych ER. They pay unlimited for that even though its more expensive.

Then maybe that is the route you need to take. common sense would seem like medicaid would be better off paying for IOP as apposed to a full inpatient stay.

Regardless , none of that matters at the moment. You need to get in a more stable state. there would lots of group therapy inpatient. Maybe try and be more assertive and really push to get useable helpful coping tools and certainly help with intrusive thoughts .

Are you saying I should go inpatient again?

Only you can decide if you need it right now. You last inpatient yes I was all over you to go. Your up and down alot, almost daily. Did you go back and read this entire thread and take notice of dates?
Me... looking in from the outside.. you had a great weekend with your friend recently, you have been to your sons recital, happy here, bit sad there , yesterday in Pm's you were saying you were having a good day ... Today your talking about Od'ing ... Kinda seems like intrusive thoughts, I think that is what you need to work with your Therapist on the most .

This is just my opinion .. We have known each other a long time now. I want you safe and happy and coping with intrusive thoughts that could lead you to do something rash and something that you can't reverse.

Write in your blog, open your head and let all the thoughts just fall out. hows your art therapy going ? I know that is a soothing activity for you.

There are things you can do to feel better.

Tomorrow is Friday lunch with friends. I will skip eating to save $ so I can go visit a friend next week 2 hours away. Haven't seen him for almost a year.

Awesome you have things to look forward too ... that is a very good thing !

Yes. I like having things to look forward to. Lately I've been feeling like nothing is special anymore. But I do love my kids. Even though I'm being hunted.

Ignore the hunters , you have a life to enjoy.

Okay I have to go lay down my pain is freaking ridiculous ! Have a good nite and rest well !

Goodnight!