Sui thoughts

I am home after being out with a friend. It was a good day. Now I can't stand being home with my mother and her husband and my sister is here and her friend. I don't want to be here. Even out with my friend I thought of jumping from the balcony at Cabelas. I am... I can't get my life together. I just can't. I am in an endless loop of failure and dispaire. Little good things but too many bad things.

Try and take a big step back and out of your own head. Your sister wont be there forever. You can and will have a life to be proud of.

Hang in there

I am watching tv. My life is a big circle of who cares. I don't know if I shod go to the per or not. My life is a big dead end. Eat sleep have the same problems want to die.... Sometimes there is a shining moment but they are far and few between. The wolves are catching up.

I just can't see it Christina.

This week sux. I just went on a long drive in the country with a friend and it should've helped but it didn't. Neither did prime rib.

Found out my ex somehow got balanitis. Weird. Nothing to do with me!

I wonder if depression is set in. U might need ur meds adjusted. A support might help. Seeing ur T more often (if ur able to). Calling a helpline or someone u know that will just listen.

Please remember that this too shall pass. Hang in there. Tomorrow starts a new day and a new day holds endless possibilities. Could those possibilities include bad things? Sure. But the possibilities could also be the greatest things in life. Take it minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. You can do this. You have people who care and you matter.

Besides...who REALLY has their life together? Not me for sure. It's ok.

I just saw t this week. I can only use one appointment a month. Meaning 12 a year. I could call per. I just don't want to. I feel like crap and don't want to budge. Oh great. Now the tv went out. That was my distraction.

My life is passing me by and it will end with the same day repeated over and over. I can see the end coming and it gets worse as each day passes.

Try to get the tv back on. Do u have a second one in the house (just in case)?
Have you seen ur pdoc recently.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I do. Is there someone you can call?

No I haven't seen my pdoc recently. Not supposed to until next month.

I could call a friend but he might be in bed.

How about the suicide hotline?

Calling a friend

He refused to talk to me! He always talks to me!

Glad ur calling a frd. If he's sleep, call a helpline. I've called and they really do listen

He's making me angry - he isn't even texting me now.

hey Hun ,

Your just in a cycle you were voicing the same feelings 4-6 weeks ago. This is not your fault. I am just reminding you that there is indeed a cycle going on. So cycles are up and down moods and Yes they always change.

I think you need to have your meds looked at and when you see you T there needs to be specific "homework" for lack of a better word. Your T should be challenging you to take actual physical steps towards independance and taking emotional steps that will build confidence in yourself and your abilities .

You are very capable of these things

He ell asleep. I'm giving up on him.

I don't see my t until June and pdoc until July.

What do I do tonight? Ativan ? I just don't see things getting better. Not today I don't.

Things probably wont get better tonight. Just remind yourself you have had many nites like this. Call your T's office on monday and ask them what should you do when you are feeling XYZ? DO they have a hitline number or better yet a " warm line" number .. I have a warm line number thats open 24/7 , its just someone to talk to when I am having overwhelming thoughts. I also have my T's cellphone # altho I can't ever calling him.

Maybe there is a warmline number in your area ? even calling a hotline can't hurt.

maybe call the Per they might know of someone you can call just to take a edge off ?

I would call you but I have barely enough service here at home to even text .

maybe write more in your blog?

I took some Ativan. I'm buzzing. Weird. I'd blog but its so slow on my iPod. I hope two Ativan works. Il give it till midnight to work.

It will help you doze off and tomorrow will be a better day