existential or something

not sure if i am heading for a depression...

feeling bit hurting. confessed some dark secrets (aka "one way ticket to Transnistria") to my closest ones. Getting back to that point in my life makes me bit shaky.

I just feel vulnerable. And tired. Of all my existences, current and previous. Old soul feels old. Trying to find some meaning... but not sure if meaning is not mere collective delusion. Maybe deities are trolling on us. And watching as a reality show.

Anyways, trying to find some spark. Quests to self-discovery seem to trigger me. I wish I had job already and could be in Prague already. At least there's more lost souls there. At least I'd have the tragic history to cling to. Maybe I would find Franz Kafka this time around. I am sure he is hanging out somewhere still. Or at least I'd be in damn city, anonymous with access to distraction, heh.

sorry if I don't make sense. Just letting it all out.

I've thought that this whole world could be a fish bowl for someone bigger than us. And I don't mean God. I am a charismatic Christian but there have been times where I just felt like we were entertainment for whoever is sitting back and watching from above (above not meaning Heaven, just above us, like right up past the ozone layer or something). It's a strange feeling but I can usually pull myself out of it recalling the miraculous healing I've experienced personally and for others I've prayed for. I've felt the presence of God many times over and sometimes feel like being Bipolar interferes with my ability to really "let go and let God." I feel so much better since having my meds adjusted but still, my brain comes up with the weirdest stuff.

Reality show? How fitting

Let it out yes Venus, mental/emotional purging can be quite cathartic. I think on some level I empathize with "old soul feeling older" or having lived to many lives. I've always thought of it as having wayyyyy to many life experiences for life span.

I've often wondered since my teen years if my peers had learned even half the lessons I've learned, or if they've fought half the battles I've already won...

Mentally I feel about 65, sometimes 165, So yeah I think I get it on some level.

I hope you start feeling better soon my friend, self-discovery can be a fragile process so please practice some of that healthy hedonism, its good healing for the soul

This is very important to me. About your other feelings, I can relate to many of them. I started reading "Man's search for meaning," and it's so horrifying I find it hard to continue. A more palatable exploration is Woody Allen's enjoyable movie, "Midnight in Paris."

spoiler
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
or maybe not totally a plot spoiler, but it might be
.
.
.
So the main character is an artist. He gets feedback on his work from Gertrude Stein, who basically says he should not be writing the dreary truth he sees. He has to construct meaning to lift people above the dreary world we live in. (She said it better, but I'm going from memory.) Not that the construction has to be positive and cheering - look at Kafka - but it has to be meaningful. In a wider sense, perhaps we are all artists in our lives as well - creators. I found that made some sense for me, gave me something to go on. A reminder of an important principle, at least for me.

Sorry you're feeling poorly. Hopefully this will give you a smile...

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport | Video | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Do you think maybe it's been hard adjusting to your old life after your trip, all the connections you made with people there, your experiences? I can imagine that it might be difficult after all of that intensity to come back home.

Hope you make your way to Prague if that's what you want!

Thannks everybody.

Feeling slightly better... after more whinning and confessions to friends.

Trying to write a coverletter for a summer job, but kinda blah in my thoughts. Kinda itchy for just packing my backpack and heading down to Balkans to gain some inner peace (because in Venus' eye Sarajevo is good place to find inner peace), but I don't really have funds for it.

Feel bit physically worn out... not sure if it connects with my mental state or what, or if it's just spring tiredness.

Job hunting makes me angry... just by seeing how many useless positions are there. I swear if I land as manager's assistant for some TNC (situated in some ugly modern building), I will give some of the money to the needed. I hate this dichotomy "either doing something useful for little money or making a lot of money for doing nothing of value".

Doing nothing bit make a lot of money and live in Europe. Sounds good to me!

Eh, one actually works (and has to wear a pantsuit doing it)... but nothing is created. Nothing of value. Entering irrelavant data in computer and making sure your boss has enough pens and booze or whatnot, so he can manage... who knows what. Soul-draining. And apparently, kills the economy too in long run.

Just watched the Unbearable Lightness of Being again, after watching it in 1992.

Speaking of Prague...

No connection - you just mentioned Prague, so... really no connection. But, it must really be a magical city.