I realize I'm in a very fragile state.

I get better and cycle, but I shift very quickly and very hard. I'm sitting here at my desk crying today because the shift has happened again and I'm so agitated, irritated, and my obsessive thoughts are coming around again.

They hit me hard and fast and are shaking me up. I definately, definately feel mixed. No doubt in my mind.

This time it's all a combination of jealousy and old hurt feelings, just coming out of no-where. Well, not really no-where. I think I have some unresolved trauma from the bad time, and it get stirred up very easily.

I don't want to be jealous of them. It's so hard not to be jealous... it's so hard. I don't know how to handle jealousy. I never had jealousy problems before the bad time. I know it's because of everything that happened in the bad time. But the jealousy triggers me really bad. It's so stupid. It makes me feel terrible to feel this way, because I know how annoying it is when someone is jealouse of people who are not a threat....

I am trying so hard to accept how things are. They are not bad. They are different, but things are much better than during the bad time. I just mis the time before so much. It's like that song "you don't know what you've got til it's gone." I know I can never get the time before back.

I just don't know what to do. I feel this big numbness forming inside of me. It only cracks when the jealousy hits me, which triggers the rage. Then I crash.... And my thinking is all foggy and then here comes the paranoid thoughts, the obsessive thoughts.... I'm so tired of it.

Ohhh Sis, I'm so sorry you're struggling with this I wish I knew the words to make it better, but I honestly don't I know its not easy at all, but please don't actively dwell on the before time, its not healthy or helpful in any kind of way. Dammit! Wish I was close by I might not know the right words but I am listening hon

I try not to think about it. I know it's better to go forward. I know it is. There is no backwards.

I feel stuck. I'm stuck in limbo. A vaccume of something that no longer exists. I need to get out, I know it. I just don't know how....

I realize I just spent the last hour doing what? Reading things from almost 10 years ago... Why do I do this to myself? It's like reading things in the news that make me cry. I try to avoid them, but I end up looking at them anyway.

Yikes, that sounds excrutiating Can you not keep yourself busy with current work tasks instead? A distraction seems in order right about now.

I am trying.I talked to my husband earily. Today has been rather not so good. That helped some. My focus has been all over the place. I haven't been able to write. I'm just kind of hanging on.

Ugh. I am sorry you are feeling wrecked. This may be a lame/useless suggestion, but is there a way you can put down the old stuff from years ago and grab a fresh new page. On the new page write down 3 things you respect about yourself and your life now? If it is too hard to think of things that YOU like/respect about yourself...think of what a friend would say or a family member. I can tell you, from the short time I have known you here on PC, that you seem like a deep thinker and a truly kind person. What a wicked-awesome combo! Anyhow...if that doesn't help...here is a hug (((hugsss)))

Thanks, middlepath. That is no a useless or lame suggestion at all! It's a good idea. I am a writer, after all. Maybe I should try to write myself into a new frame of mind....

Sis I so wish you weren't feeling this way, just keep hanging on, minute by minute, Be kind and loving with yourself. Keep posting if it helps, I'm hugging you right now

Thanks, sis.

I think paranoia is starting in. I'm working on it, though. It comes in like a whirlwind, you know.

Yeah I know

Damn stupid cycle ... I was there in Jan.. I hope you cycle out of this quickly, very quickly.

Always here for you

It's always quick with me. It's quick and terrible. Just like a tornado... That's the thign about my cycling. My cycles are short but they are extremely intense... I dont' know what's worse since I never had long cycles.

I think they both suck ! I have done both. I would rather cycle hard and fast, seems like it takes forever to gain back your strenght, for me at least.

If I cycle long it gets to a life altering/ ending point.

(((DH))) so sorry
Trying to think of how to deal with jealousy. It's not good.
Remember before I told you about the ABC therapy my son and I did while he was in Utah? You were interested in it but I could never locate good references, unorganized chaos me of course.
But it might be worth a try:
A - Activating event - like someone at work talking about her wonderful life and how they're taking their kids to Disney land with all their extended family and stay at the resort and have a nanny and not pay a dime. (That would get my mind spinning)
B - your Beliefs about event - like she just loves to brag about her perfect life, especially right in front of me just to make me feel bad, she's mean, evil, hates me, shes got everyone hating me, and im such a loser! (again just ideas where my head goes with things)
C - Consequences of Beliefs - like I am such a loser, hate myself, want to hurt myself, will never be as good as them, hate those people, will never have any friends to trust... Etc.. And then rationalizing if those beliefs could be entirely true. You are not a loser, look what you've made it through. Considering how all the bad feelings are bad for your body..

Hopefully you see where I'm going with it. Therapist explained it much better. Basically you take some time to choose your reaction and beliefs you want to carry, so it ends up empowering you for future upsets.

In urgent care right now - my youngest broke his arm playing soccer yesterday! Now both my boys in casts, what the heck. Will write more later. Love you!

'

Thanks, Blue. I have been working on this and remember when you told me about it. I have actually gotten much better since starting this. Noticablly better. Just sometimes an A event happens that is really unexpected and overwhelms me. That's what happened the other day.

Didn't I tell you that something was going on all the people we both know are breaking their arms and legs.... Hopefully that's the last of them! One of my co-workers actually sprained one wrist and was lucky it didnt' break, the three weeks later broke her hother arm. So, no more broken bones please! I hope your guy is okay.

Im not in any place to give real support but Im here and sending you good vibes.

Thank you for that.

I hope that you are able to feel better soon, too.

Im not to worried, I know it will pass. (Mine is more like physical/mental exhaustion and pms)

I hope the same for your episode. <3 Hold on, you can do it.

Oh, jealousy is so hard to bear, and people have known it for ages...

From the Song of Songs: "jealousy is cruel as the grave".

I wish I knew some of those words of support u have given me so many times but I am so low that I cannot think straight to even help!!! just please know tht I am here and I hope and pray that you get feeling better and soon!!!