[august1933]

I know I should probably post this in another thread but I don't know if I care enough anymore I just need to write this down before I do something crazy. I'm hoping writing about how I feel and think right now will help the feeling of hopelessness and desperation go away. I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope today and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Sorry for the poor spelling and punctuate if it gets worse; it's just because I'm totally out of coontrol

I've been struggling with wht I believ eis manic depression since i ws 13. I'm almost 20 now. it's gotten worse. last year my family lost our house, parents divorced, mom tried to kill herself (depression runs in the family). it was my first year at college. absolutely miserable. i basically had to take care of my mother and failed all most all my courses trying to get everyone else to keep their **** together.

fast forward to october 2012. i met the man i'm currently in love with. we have a great relationship but our relationship has also made me realize how ****ed up i am. starting around december i got a lot of anxiety about him leaving me for like no reason and the paranoia was so bad i'd call when he'd be out with people and question him for hours searching for something wrong. i just can't believe someone could love me as genuinely as he does and not want to hurt me. perhaps a part of mewants something to be wrong so i can hurt myself more. i dont think i'm capabale of not being hurt or feeling immense, overwhelming pain.

then around february i think i entered a manic phase. totally weird but i became obsessed with richard III (the king of england who was found around then) and my british heritage and wanted to go to england to do genealogical research. i starved myself to save money for the ****ing trip and was basically on a month long manic episode/obsessive phase/ ego trip. i don't even know. but one day I suddenly didn't care about the trip or richard iii or any of that stuff anymore. it was such an intense episode, I don't know what happened.

so that was basically march and february. in april i had to take an emergency contraceptive because the condom fell off in me. i went through the most excruciating, debilitating depressive period (well the most until now maybe). i think it was mostly because of the heavy dose of estrogen, which is out of my body at this point, but the depression is lingering (though there was about a 1-2 week period where the **** was out of my system and i felt ok).

so here I am now. late may. I don't care about my schoolwork anymore, never did my final essay, probably failed one class. i feel so useless and hopeless and i want to kill myself. I wish I were less attractive and intelligent, then it wouldn't be such a waste of myself if i were to kill myself. i don't want to hurt my loved ones either, although i feel like they wouldn't give a **** if i hurt myself. i barely eat anymore. i eat maybe 500 calories a day at this point, unless i self medicate with weed, then i eat more. i have to smoke every day, all day sometimes at this point to not feel excruciating emotional anguish. i used to be anorexic when i was 14 but now i actually physically struggle to eat, not convcerned about my weight or anything.

everythingnis just getting wors saand worse. ic an't seem to find a psychologist who takes my insurence. i am too afraid to make phone calls. i'm a total recluse and i never see my friends anymore. do i even have friends anymore? my boyfriend is extremely worried about my mental fragility. i feel like i'm going to do soemthing crazy soon.

[Warrioress]

You definitely need professional help if you're going through all this! An official diagnosis would make you understand your situation better and you may need medication or therapy or both. Please take your mental health more seriously. Take more care of yourself. Coming on here and reaching out proves that what you really want isn't dying; it's a way out of this mess and I promise you that there is one even if you haven't found it yet.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi, I'm really fragile right now so I didn't read your post since it's marked. But, I wanted to let you know not to give up. Depression and suicidal thoughts are horrible whispering lies in your ear. Once you can get away from them you start to see more clearly and things get better. Hang in there and know you're not alone in the battle against these things.

I hope you can feel better soon.

[A Red Panda]

*hugs* Being depressed and suicidal stinks. You can get through this! You're in college right? Go visit the counselling centre on campus and they will help point you in the right direction for getting some help for yourself. It might seem terrifying... but it will be worth it in the long run. It sounds like you've had a lot of stress this year, on top of it being your first year in college. Talking to a professional about it would be the best idea, as well as trying to take care of yourself.

Good luck! You can do it, and communities like this one will always be around to be supportive.

[pink&grey]

You need to get professional help. I know that's hard to do when you feel like ****. Can your boyfriend call your insurance to get a list of psychologists & counselors for you? Maybe he can call to make the appointments as well. I'm sure all you have to do is ask him. Or does your insurance have an EAP program - it's a special program set aside for emergency use to get you quick help. I've used that before and it is helpful when you can barely pick up the phone.

[hamster-bamster]

You are in a state of total crisis, and with suicidality running in the family, you need immediate help. Also, you must eat. If you cannot eat (I do have those moments, believe me), try to drink. I drink milk a lot which has lots of protein and hydrates me well. I also buy wholesale quantities of V8 juice at Costco (as advised on this forum) and that helps, too. Odwalla smoothies. Homemade smoothies if you have a blender.

You also need to triage your issues.

1) The issue of the man's leaving you is non-existent and all the time you spend tormenting yourself and interrogating him on that is pure waste. If he leaves you, you will THEN deal with that issue. Until it materializes itself, all your energy spent worrying is total waste. Somebody who is eating 500 calories a day and has suicidal ideation really should NOT waste her energy, OK? You do not have that luxury.

2) The schoolwork issue is valid and real, but not life-threatening. So you will eventually need to deal with it (unlike (1) above), but not right now.

3) The suicidality issue is life-threatening and urgent and needs immediate attention.

4) The 500 calories a day issue is life-threatening and urgent and needs immediate attention. If weed does not produce enough appetite, something else needs to be tried.

Also, I once used morning after pill and was very sick physically for two days, but it is hard to believe that you would have such a long lasting, severe reaction that you describe. I used emergency contraception after an acquaintance rape. You are in a relationship with a man you love so why did you use emergency contraception? You should be on a normal, regular contraception to double up the protection you get from condoms. I thought that nowadays all 20-year-old women who are in heterosexual relationships knew that...

To sum up, you need:

- regular contraception, preferably the Pill, and if you REALLY believe that you are harmed by estrogen, then the mini Pill except that it is less effective.

- food, at least liquid food; electrolytes drinks (coconut water, vitamin water, smart water) would be good for you because you probably are not hydrated enough if all you do all day long is smoke weed.

- professional help.

On a long term basis, you need to switch to marijuana edibles or vaporization because smoking weed is detrimental to the lungs, but this is not an urgent concern.

good luck and keep us posted!

I've been right where you are and I know how you feel as well as many others on this forum so just know that you are not alone. Please get help! You really need to get on the phone and call a psychiatrist and psychologist, please. And if you really feel like you are going to act on your sui thoughts, please please, please, go to the ER. You are wanted and needed and loved in this life.

You are in a serious crisis. I recommend that you call a crisis hotline, or call 911. IMO you need to be safe. Please don't let yourself be alone. Call you bf or someone you can trust. I know those feelings. I've called a hotline twice in the last month. Please call someone.