Manic Regrets

Hi All,

Do any of you guys find yourself picking up the pieces and in a real mess after a manic episode? I am not a happy manic, more like irritated, hateful, paranoid, delusional, and obsessive. I've managed to piss off about half of AA in a month, fire my sponsor, gossip to everyone who'd listen, obstruct sponsor/sponsee relations, and basically involve myself in everyone else's business.

My husband can't stand to be around me and is seeping on the couch. So now that I'm coming down I can see all the damage in retrospect. Major depression is heading my way. I'm waking at 4 am, isolating, self-loathing - all that fun stuff.

It drives me crazy or should I say crazier that pdoc's want me to recognize the warning signs of mania. When I'm in it, I most honestly believe ppl are out to get me, talking and conspiring about me, my husband is cheating, and I am a grandious being. It's only in retrospect that I see where I've caused damage and acted totally irrational.

Hey thick...sounds like you are beating yourself up pretty good. Been in AA a long time and it's not hard to piss them off. I've fired a few sponsors myself. I go to NA now because it's open to discussing mental illness, meds, anything that the addict faces. Even though my doc was beer! Alcohol is a drug and that is how they view it. Also, the literature is far more modern and the program is more inclusive.

Anyway...so the big dark hand of depression starting to weigh you down? Any new meds you can take to alleviate the mood swings...maybe what you are on needs to be tweaked?

You're only one person, doing the best you can with two whammy illness' on your plate. Have you ever been to a dual diagnosed meeting? It's for alcoholism, addiction, and mental illness. It might be a good group therapy for you. I am going to try one when we move to the new apt across the country in a few weeks.

Say the serenity prayer and give yourself a break. Yesterday is gone and all you have is today. At least you stayed sober and if you didn't go back to AA or NA and get that white chip. I'm pulling for ya.

Hi Thickntired! Manic/hypomanic episodes make me paranoid also. I get pretty crazy and then afterwards regret my behavior. I think this is where a good therapist comes in play. She can help sort things out and offer suggestions to de-escalate a manic episode before it gets too bad. Good luck!

Gary290

I have dysphoric mania, also. I also have the paranoia problem. It's horrible.

What I find is that I think I'm totally fine and rational. But, then when it's over I can turn around and see the path of distruction in my wake. Like a tornado. It depends on the episode. Some are more distructive than others.

I've been tracking my moods and triggers. Trying to figure out when I'm more manic and when I'm less manic. It's hard for me since I'm mixed so much and cycle very fast.

Things I'm learning to watch out for is if I'm getting annoyed and irritable, that's a sign I'm heading toward and explosion.

If I'm thinking people are out to get me, that's a sign to stop and reality check.

If I'm feeling powerful, that's a sign.

Learning to stop and reality check and all of that is not very easy. I'm still learning it myself. Blueianna taught me this method I think it's called A B C something something... I can't remember exactly but it is helpful.

Anyway, first you identify your trigger which is A for activating event.

Then B is the part where you stop, and consider the event and if you may be overreacting or being illogical (paranoid.) Like for part B I have questions set up that I ask myself. Such as "is there any proof?" and "I've thought this before, and it was a false beliefe. Why would it be different this time?"

Then C is for "change your behavior/reaction." So, one thing in this area I worked really hard on changing, and it's working. I had to change my reaction/behavior of having a panic attack whenever my husband would hang out with a particular friend. I had to really work on this to realize that, even if I don't like this friend, it isn't my place to choose my husband's friends. And, it's okay for him to hang out with this person, and that this friend (who is a male by the way,) is not a threat to me or him or our marriage or our children. (My paranoia for this person was going in all directions.) Instead of it triggering a panic attack and then a full blown explosive episode, I now am actually quite calm and relaxed 90% of the time when I know they are hanging out. I still get twinges of paranoia and anxiety, but it is so much better than it was even six months ago.

So, uhm... Blueianna does a better job explaining it than me, but that's basicall how it works.

Hi, Thickntired.

How have you been otherwise? Still leaving all drugs aside as you have been doing? I
hope so. That's a real plus for your feeling tone in the long run, as you know much better than I.

Since you know how your manic attacks affect you, you are going to be better and
better as time goes on in calling a halt to it right in the middle of it all when you stop and make yourself think about what you're doing. Try to tell yourself "just STOP it".
I do that to myself and it seems to bring things into better perspective and slow
down the activity--whatever it is that is being intrusive in our natural calmness.

Time for the "lemon thing" (lol), Thickntired.

I'm sorry this has hit you; you've made such good progress over the last several
months. Ask for a tweak in meds if you need it temporarily, and watch your diet,
please. That alone can cause problems of inflammation that make clarity and
calmness less able to manage.

Keep in touch; have missed not seeing your posts recently. Maybe this thing had
been building over some time. Try hard to catch it in mid-stream. So many go
with mood tracking that alerts them; have you tried that? (I was never good at
it, but I think it can be enlightening when you look back at the records a day or
two afterwards.)

I couldn't repair the things that I have done even if I tried. it's all in the past, even if it was yesterday and I refuse to live in the past.

I do learn from it though. even when hypo, I still have a conscious about what I am doing. a feeling really, telling me that I am in the danger zone.

I think we all learn from it in one regard or the other. sometimes, I think, the only thing that we can do is learn from it and do better next time. if we improve from it, I think that it makes it more ok.

Thanks you all for your helpful replies. I'm on about week 7 of not sleeping through the night, so I have a psych eval on Saturday. My freaking medicare kicks in on exactly that day and I'm taking advantage! My therapist gave me the advice to not go to AA mtgs and avoid being around/calling/texting ppl until I'm stable.

I am no longer as angry just wired, and I have the worst case of acid reflux. This is my first SOBER manic episode which really sucked $%#@. But I'm determined not to get back into addiction on top of all this other crap.

On a side note: ppl who do NOT have addictive personalities should get scripts for pot during mania IMO.

Peace,

TnT

Thanks for letting everyone know how it is with you right now. Hoping you'll get along
fine with adjustments and come back when your doctor permits.

A long time ago I tried to give up the idea of regret. Yes, I can behave... unfavorably... let's say. But when your in that moment it feels so real. What you're doing, however destructive, is the right thing to do... is the right way to react. I don't see it as destructive until I look back on it much later.

You can't beat yourself up over it. The best I can do is apologize to those I've hurt and hope for the best. But the only thing that can matter is the present. I can't worry about what I did in the past (although I do... easier said than done) and likewise I shouldn't get too consumed with worry as to how some future event is going to play out (again... easier said than done).