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#1
Jun 18, 2013, 06:36 PM
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Everything is stretching out so gray. I've had moments of hypo and moments of normalcy but since i got out of the hospital i've had solid melancholia, dipping into severe depression for a few days and then back up to melancholia. I fear that this is it for me. maybe mood stabilization means stabilization in a bad mood. I guess it's better than the swinging pendulum but I feel so useless, so dead.
I'm tempted to ditch meds so at least I can feel some happiness again. who cares if it zooms into elation? What's the problem with that? except Ido remember the terror I felt out in space, seeing the world but unable to join. Space is only fun until you realize you're alone and no one else wants to join you. in fact they want to drag you down, hold on to your feet while you kick and scream to get away. So I don't suppose I'll ditch meds. I don't suppose I want to be another beautiful disaster. I just want to be ok. Why is that so much to ask? I hate laying on the couch and wanting to die, I hate that every time I see a knife or blade my first thought is to use it against myself. I want to be so much more than this disease allows me. i must choose to fight back. I'm tired, but I'm not so tired that I can't say NO. I won't let you take me. I won't let you suck my life away. How do I do that/? (next pdoc appt july 1st - she upped my celexa, we'll see if it works without sending me into a mixed state like last time)
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
 A Red Panda, Darth Bane, jadedbutterfly, Nessa213, ultramar, ~Christina
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#2
Jun 18, 2013, 07:29 PM
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Sounds like your meds aren't either the right dosage or the right ones or maybe they haven't taken full effect if you haven't been on them that long. I so know that place of being between living and dying. Not really wanting either for rambling obscure nonsensical reasons. If you are thinking of suicide, have you made a plan yet? Promise me you'll go back to the hospital if you keep having suicidal thoughts and staring at knives IS starting to become planning.
Maybe just accept that right now you don't feel so good but that will change. It always does. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it. It just is this way now. Just be with it and let it run it's course instead of fighting it. If that doesn't work please go to the hospital where you will stabilized and a new treatment worked out |
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#3
Jun 18, 2013, 07:45 PM
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i cannot go back to the hospital as my husband will have another nervous breakdown. however i don't feel unsafe right now. thank you for your concern :-) i promise if i do feel unsafe i will go back anyway.
i have been on the same meds since april 23rd so i guess it's just not the right stuff.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
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#4
Jun 18, 2013, 10:18 PM
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Awwww Wild
 Feeling so low just plain sucks! I have been stuck there many times, Things change, cycles always change, when? tomorrow ? next week? who knows to be honest, but things will change. Now is a time to just Float with the mood and emotions, Take care of you in every way you can. Is there any things you can do that will bring a little bit of hope? Special Yummy smelling bath soaps? Funny movies? Comfort foods? I know it sounds kinda silly. But maybe a few things will comfort you even just a little Keep posting here 
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#5
Jun 19, 2013, 12:25 AM
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wildflowerchild I know it seems hopeless right now, but it can and try to make yourself believe it will get better. The only problem is it takes time to find the right medicine cocktail and dosages. I am glad you have decided not to discontinue your meds. Keep talking to your pdoc and if you are really feeling on the edge try calling and get a sooner appt. I promise there is hope, there are better days to come. I was dx in 2007 and I am in a great place now. Key thing is to be honest with what is going on with you to your pdoc. There are always ups and downs, but keep posting and we'll do our best to help you get through them. 
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Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss |
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#6
Jun 19, 2013, 04:07 AM
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Hugs to you. I know this is a horrible space right now, but as others have said, it sounds like a med adjustment is in order.
Try and keep yourself busy in the mean time
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"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#7
Jun 19, 2013, 08:10 PM
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Thanks everyone. Radical acceptance is new to me, I really didn't think about it. I feel a little better today.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| BlackPup, ~Christina
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