[Resident Bipolar]

Earlier this year I posted a very optimistic thread about a new job ( http://forums.psychcentral.com/bipol...ance-life.html ). However, after two months of working I began to relapse into a depressive episode, I felt like giving up and hated the job for quite a while. Eventually I was having panic attacks, suffering from suicidal thoughts and started self harming again.

After seeing a doctor I went home with a new prescription for lorazepam and propanalol. I thought this would help but after another month of fighting and trying to keep with it all I fell apart. I had an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist in which work was identified as a major trigger of the Bipolar Disorder I was diagnosed with only two years ago.

I was advised to take another two weeks off sick and was given a sick note by my doctor. I was also told to think about whether or not I am able to work and further to that discussion I resigned. After resigning I feel a lot better, like a load has been taken off my shoulders.

However I am now going through the stressful process of applying for disability benefits here in the UK (which I was advised to do) and living off just £50 a week. I still haven't been able to tell dad I've resigned from yet another job and feel like such a disappointment to my family and more ashamed than when I was diagnosed bipolar; more ashamed than I have in my entire life actually.

I've failed again. Maybe I'm just never going to be successful. I keep failing and that hurts :'(

RB

[Nessa213]

I'm so sorry RB.

I've been in jobs that I literally hated with every fiber of my being. I've driven home crying and hating my life. Recognizing how much it's destroying you takes a kind of strength even though it doesn't really feel like it. We're really hard on ourselves when it comes to how we define being "successful". I think as long as you're trying, putting in the most effort that you can possibly think to put in, you shouldn't feel any shame in that.

[A Red Panda]

It's a really difficult decision to decide that you should apply for disability, and that it is best for your health to not be working right now.

I think that is something to be proud of, not something to make you feel like a failure! You certainly are not a failure!

[sheltielover2013]

My best advice is follow your physician's recommendation. Disability is soul crushing all in itself. Be sure in yourself and with your physician it is the right option medically.

[Victoria'smom]

Disability is repetitively sole crushing when applying for other benefits and whenever receiving the money. Remember it is better and less expensive then more repetitive, longer hospital stays, and constantly looking for new work. I'm sorry you are faced with this choice and I am hoping you are able to choose what is best for you. As for your family there is no reason for them to know you are no longer working or receiving benefits until at least you are comfortable with the idea.

[Resident Bipolar]

Thank you for the replies. I'm just waiting to hear back on the disability benefits whilst living off my credit card just to buy food and pay rent.

This can only end badly!
RB.

[sheltielover2013]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Disability is repetitively sole crushing when applying for other benefits and whenever receiving the money. Remember it is better and less expensive then more repetitive, longer hospital stays, and constantly looking for new work. I'm sorry you are faced with this choice and I am hoping you are able to choose what is best for you. As for your family there is no reason for them to know you are no longer working or receiving benefits until at least you are comfortable with the idea.

Actually, I disagree. I am a research scientist. For a year I was hospitalized and then for another year I was out-patient and recovering. I was on disability. Even though when I returned to work I was scared, extremely stressed and still putting my life back together, the satisfaction intellectually, financially, and psychosocially propelled me into a much more functional life. My psychiatrist told me that sending me back to work was the best drug he could give me. It gave me a path on which I could reestablish a healthy life. Disability doesn't do that. For me, it would have perpetuated the sense that I was sick and unable to care for myself.

That's why I said earlier. Go with your physician's recommendation. He can see the big picture.

[Resident Bipolar]

I tried the approach of returning to work. I have also had some lengthy hospital admissions. However the difference with me is that I didn't start of scared of anxious or stressed - I entered work with great optimism and with big hopes for the future. I loved the job for a few weeks. It was after then that things began to deteriorate.

RB.

Originally Posted by sheltielover2013

Actually, I disagree. I am a research scientist. For a year I was hospitalized and then for another year I was out-patient and recovering. I was on disability. Even though when I returned to work I was scared, extremely stressed and still putting my life back together, the satisfaction intellectually, financially, and psychosocially propelled me into a much more functional life. My psychiatrist told me that sending me back to work was the best drug he could give me. It gave me a path on which I could reestablish a healthy life. Disability doesn't do that. For me, it would have perpetuated the sense that I was sick and unable to care for myself.

That's why I said earlier. Go with your physician's recommendation. He can see the big picture.

People can get off disability eventually, that doesn't mean it's wrong for them to apply in the first place. I'm sure he knows what's best for him right now.

[sheltielover2013]

Originally Posted by Mandrec

People can get off disability eventually, that doesn't mean it's wrong for them to apply in the first place. I'm sure he knows what's best for him right now.

I'm speaking from experience. Go with what your MD recommends. It's simple advice.

Originally Posted by sheltielover2013

I'm speaking from experience. Go with what your MD recommends. It's simple advice.

of course...

[Nessa213]

I think it just depends on the type of job too. I've gone through MANY different types of jobs. Cashier, retail, catering, sales, graphic design. I finally settled into a job that makes it as easy for me function as possible.

1) It's typically quiet and I can sit in my cubicle with my head phones and not really interact with anyone if I'm not feeling up to it.
2) It's literally a 30 second drive from my house. (I COULD walk... but I don't... of course.) Long commutes give me some wicked road rage.
3) We get liberal breaks throughout the day and a very flexible lunch break.
4) My boss is amazing and doesn't do the "micro managing" thing and literally will only bother me once a week (if that) and it's literally for only a few minutes.
5) I don't have to sit in many meetings (three a week... that's it. Although there are always two on Mondays, so Mondays are usually about as bad as it can get. But the department is a lot of younger people in their late 20s, early 30s so many of the meetings are just BSing a lot of the time.)
6) Oh! And I don't ever have to talk on the phone! Big plus for me!

It took me a LONG time to find a job like that. And literally, for me, I need EVERY aspect of the things I listed above. Yes, I realize this makes me sound needy, but I simply couldn't function if it were any other way. (I've tried! It hasn't worked!) And some days, I have a hard enough time functioning even under perfectly ideal conditions. Every one is different and there probably IS a job out there for everyone. But finding it is like finding a literal needle in a haystack and sometimes you simply have to luck your way into it.

[A Red Panda]

When it came to finding the right kind of job for me.... these are things I need:

1) consistentcy/routine
2) variety (Oh yes... I need both variety and routine)
3) social interaction
4) freedom to be in control of my stuff
5) minimal supervision (I get antsy if I'm being scrutinized)

Teaching fit the bill for that for me! I've got my routines based on our daily schedule... but I can have as much or as little variety as I want in what sorts of actitivities we do. At the same time, I will only have the group of kids for one year and then there's a new year. I can chat with people all day long (sure, they're way younger than me, but that's ok!) but I'm also not being judged too often - I don't feel pressure from the kids as I'm in charge of the situation.

[Resident Bipolar]

I know the kind of job I want, no problem with that at all. I want a desk job in an office where I can be left to do my work. However, it's very difficult to get a job in my position. I have next to know qualifications as I wasn't in school much during my exams due to stays in inpatient units and only managed to sit two of my 16 or so exams, both of which were done in a psych ward.

Due to my constant relapses over the past few years I also have very little experience and haven't been able to tie down a job long enough to be able to use it in my CV. Once again cannot currently return to education as I would lose my benefit and won't be able to afford to live. So I have both qualifications and experience missing from my CV and no credible or valuable references.

There are 3 million unemployed here in the UK and only ever 1 million jobs going. It's difficult to get a job with a degree over here (not exaggerating in the slightest) let alone getting a job with no experience, numerous gaps in my CV I can't explain and very few qualifications. And to get the job that would work hand in hand with my disorder? Even more impossible.

So for now, really the only option is financial support from the government. At least until I'm stable enough for long enough to know I won't become suicidal and land myself in hospital for the sixth time. For me it's about finding some ways to cope so when I am well enough to go back to work again (with my consultant's assurance) I can hold down a job I don't like.

RB.

[Nessa213]

That's all heartbreaking to hear. That jobless rate is staggering!

When I started in my current field (about 2 years ago... at the age of 29 mind you) I had to take a part time internship at the time. Those are sometimes a good way to fill in your CV and get some relevant experience. (Whenever you and your doctor say is a good time for you to start looking again of course.) But, like I said, these days it takes SO much pure luck to land even those sometimes!