Crazy dreams man >.<

Been on the depakote for something like a month, still not stable.

Crazy repeating dreams when I do sleep, and I feel like the eye of a tornado when I'm awake.

I keep dreaming about 2 things.

1) escaping (usually psych hospitals, etc.)
2) dying/being shot (is it instant? slow death? I have questions.)

everything inside me is numb, but when I engage the world around me I must go go go, ask every question, leave no stone unturned!

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I should just die because I'll end up failing anyway, and I don't want to live another 20 years anyways.

I've always had crazy dreams. Usually I'm trying to get away from someone/something or I am trying to find someone/something. It's a super common theme for me. I actually quite enjoy them once I've woken up and realized it was another dream.

And what makes you think you're failing? I doubt that you are. Maybe you're a bit stuck but you won't always stay stuck. And unless you're already 90 years old please don't wish to not live more than another 20 years! (Wow how useless is my advice?!?!)

Have you talked to your doctor about the meds? Hopefully they start helping out soon, but maybe it's just not the right dose or maybe just not the best medication for you?

I just don't see myself being a stable, useful person ever. Day-to-day bill paying, hard-working, child-raising, productive citizen.

I've always had crazy dreams too, but nothing like this, well the escaping psych wards i've always had, but the being shot part leaves me feeling like, in limbo, and I can't breathe, floating but falling.

I feel like two different people, one's supremely confident and able to do anything, but the other can't even take care of herself >.<

i'm a coin that keeps flipping and I'll never give consistency or stability... which are necessary in my job field that I'm studying to go into.

My doctor is away on vacation until the 8th, next appointment is on the 9th or so...

I've been shot in my dreams too.... it's rather horrific when you die in a dream. (Although I actually have a deep sympathy for zombies due to one of these dreams... whereupon I was a zombie and I just wanted to be buried!)

You can certainly be a productive citizen, it just might take a bit of adjusting to find out how you can be at your most productive, and probably shifting your expectations of yourself (because really now, 'society' has got some rather harsh expectations that so many of us can't meet no matter what we do!)

What field of work are you wanting to go into btw? It's great that you've got a goal you're working towards - I'm sure that there's a way to work in your prospective field and be successful at it!

I'm studying electronics engineering at the moment, last semester I earned a 3.65GPA, but at the moment, the same books look like walls of text to me. It may as well be in ancient greek >.>

I have about 1.5months until my next semester and things have just been up and down since the end of the last semester......

I'm just wondering how long I'm up for playing this up/down game and starting back from square one each time it seems.

Is there any way of taking a semester off to help get yourself sorted? Or taking a reduced courseload and maybe being a part-time student for the year? Do you use the councelling/disability services at your school? If so, I hope they're helpful... and if not, you should try it and see if they can help you any!

I used to use them but at the new campus they're in a very public/busy place, so I can't will myself to walk in. Anyhow, I'm on meds, and its all chemical imbalance, so why talk about it? I don't control it, it just happens.

And I've never used the disab. services, I really like to know that I did the work, not some dude taking my notes for me.

This summer session break is my semester off. I'm on a track that will hopefully put me to work by next year around this time.

I get wanting to do it all indepently and stuff (I always refused help for those same reasons) but if you really feel like you're never going to be useful or productive and like you're a failure who isn't worth staying alive? Then you should be talking about it with someone because clearly just meds isn't helping!

And sure, it's a chemical imbalance. Doesn't mean that we can't all learn different things to do to make things easier for us that doesn't require the meds! The more help the better.

And disability services doesn't exactly mean someone taking notes for you. It could mean being given more time to complete assignments or to take tests or whatnot. It's still you doing all the work - they aren't going to do it for you! They will just work with you to make sure that you don't fail your classes if you have a semester going on at the same time as you being in a huge funk that stops you from getting anything you want to get done.

Anyway. I'm just trying to be helpful and I obviously don't know you or your whole situation... but your last post feels rather angry or confrontational, so I'll withdraw from trying to be supportive....

I take a similar drug, sodium valproate. I am also battling with vivid dreams - mostly of me being killed or shot. It's terrifying to wake up like that in the middle of the night.

I never thought that it may be connected to my meds.