Am I wrong?

To try to keep a long story short . . .
My family is all together and they planned a family outing. When my son called the night before my brother-in-law told him to call someone else and coincidentally not one of 3 cell phones were answered when he called for the next 10 minutes. Anyway, my sister comes by the next day when they are getting ready to go and tells me I'm invited. It was after my husband went to bed (and they knew it) and I don't like doing things without talking to him first. So I told her no. My other 2 sisters come over after the fact last night. I refused to talk to them and now I'm the *****. They were getting together for dinner today to see my brother off, but I was to hurt to even think about going. Is it me? My bi-polar? Or what? I am sooo angry, hurt, and confused. I know I should have just sucked it up, but I just don't want to.

Your family dynamics sound similar to my family. I don't like doing things without asking/telling my husband but my family insists on trying to make that not possible like yours did when waiting until he was sleeping. Can I ask why you didn't talk to your sisters? I understand you are hurt and it's fine that you do not go. I don't feel it's you, your bipolar, but it's just your family dynamic.

I don't understand your story? I'm confused as to why your son was calling them, what was the purpose? Was he trying to find out the time and location of the get-together? If so, why hadn't your husband already known about it's upcoming occurance?

I understand that you didn't want to go without talking to your husband about it, but at the same time, was it something huge? Or could a note have sufficed for when he woke up? It seems like the plan would have been done and over with before he was awake? Was your sister wanting you to go that instant or was there time to get ready and stuff?

And why didn't you talk to your other two sisters when they came over to visit? That sounds like they wanted to spend time with you even though you didn't go on the family outing... and that they were putting in the effort to try and make it up to you a little bit. I'm not sure why you wouldn't have spoken to them?

Maybe they weren't very organized in the planning of the first outing, but it seems like you knew the date of it and I don't get why you hadn't already talked to your husband about going that day, even if you hadn't known the specific times? And then you refused to visit with your sisters, or to go to the dinner.... I can understand being hurt, but your family wasn't leaving you out either and I can understand why they are feeling hurt - you refused to have anything to do with them!

But yeah... I don't fully understand what went on, but if you want to give more details then I'm sure I'll understand it better!

Either way... I'm sorry that you aren't feeling happy about the situation, families sure are stressful.

Ok, so long story . . .
My brother come in to visit the family and despite my wanting to stay home to myself as I have been of late, I went to my sister's a couple of days. During this time the subject came up of going to the beach. First problem: they didn't want to invite mom and dad because of their health. I understand the concern, but I would have no part of it. I didn't want to be a part of hurting them. They are perfectly capable of deciding if they were up to it. The invitation is kind of like a card, it let's people know you were thought of. Before that was settled it was a matter of who could go when. I stated that the part of family that could go early could be met up by the ppl who couldn't come till later. That way the ones who needed to be home earlier would still get to spend some time with the family. I even said if mom and dad came I would drive them home early if need be cause of the heat. The last thing brought was it was suppose to be storming. The plan was to go on Saturday. Well last I heard nothing was decided, that was on Thursday. Friday I wasn't up to getting out of the house, tom much stress is a trigger for me and well my family is a major trigger they just don't know it. So anyway my son asked if we were going to the beach Friday evening and I didn't know anything soI told him to call. First he called my brother-in-law and he told him to call someone else. He then proceeded to call both my sisters and my brother. I kinda got a clue then that they were going but they were planning to go late (just my thoughts). I know by some off the wall chance it was a coincidence, but my brain doesn't shut up when it comes to thinking the worse. I was a little annoyed, but just let it ride. No-one ever called back. Now my husband works nights so they know he sleeps during the day. 1:00 saturday my sister comes over and says they are going to the beach. I took it as right shortly thus forth I had no time to go to the store. Asked her if they invited my parents and she said yes, the night before. Now I am hurt deeply and angry that no-one could have gave me the courtesy of a heads up. This is where I'm at; I had plans for that evening with my husband so I just didn't want to cut out and leave a note. I just didn't feel that was right. I felt kind of cut out in a round about way. I was hurt, which turned into depression (which I am still fighting now). So yes I admit it was wrong of me not to come to the door that night when my sister and sister-in-law came, but I knew if I did I might have regret saying something (I was also drinking at the time). Basically things just escalated from there. I really didn't feel welcome by my family to the whole dinner thing. My sister in law left me a message on facebook about it which I got a little while after it was suppose to start, so I just didn't go. I am so tired of feeling like my feelings mean nothing. This is just the tip of an iceberg that I have dealt with my entire life. I have always been the one to bend over backwards to make things better even if it didn't involve me. I'm just not together enough to let go this time. I have cried for the last two days and no-one has made an effort to give a reason as to why. When I ask I just get excuses.

Sorry for the long spill, I guess it is just me being an emotional *****. I still can't shake the heart wrenching pain.

Thanks for the details vj... it makes more sense now!

I'd be feeling hurt too, that they hadn't confirmed the time with you ahead of time. Although on the bright side, they valued your opinion and invited your parents! If only they'd remembered to tell you.... (I would guess that they figured you knew roughly the right time based on the conversation, and maybe they didn't have an exact time and figured that everyone would just get ready in the morning and then head out??? That's how my family and extended family works... it's always a bit chaotic like that but it lets everyone get ready at their own pace) ((keep in mind, I understand how and why you were feeling hurt and stressed out, I don't like last minute things either, nor feeling left out of the loop))

I totally get not wanting to risk saying rude things while drunk, so I get why you didn't go to dinner that night. Did you ignore them knocking on the door?? I would have been really upset if I had been your sisters, and I'm sure you would have been really upset if you went to someone's house, knew they were home, and they didn't come to the door. They couldn't have known that you had been drinking - did you let them know that later and that that was why you didn't come to the door?

I think I can see both sides of this situation... and as I do not know your family at ALL I am running on the hopeful assumption that they aren't total jerkface narcissists and hope that maybe they're a fairly normal (if inconsiderate) lot. You seem to need more of a routine than the rest of your family does, and your family is a bit more last-minute in their planning. Is it always like that? If so.... I would recommend trying to let the need for control go.

(What a hard thing to do right?! I'm so bad at it myself!) My friends (yeah, not family, but that's too complicated for a story) are notoriously people who run late. I don't know why it is, but I befriend a LOT of perpetually late people - when I am a perpetually early person and FEEL paniced and late if I'm ten minutes EARLY to somewhere! I was constantly being upset and hurt by their various latenesses, because it's really inconsiderate to leave someone waiting - it was just like they were showing me every single time that my time and life was not as valuable as theirs was.

So I had a choice: either make some adjustments to myself, or end all those friendships. There's absolutely no way I could change them, and they would actually get mad at me if I was angry and upset at them! So.... I chose to change my own expectations. This causes them to be upset sometimes, but I let those friends know that I no longer trusted their sorry butts and KNOW that they're going to be disappointing and rude... so I was adjusting my routines to cater to their faults. I was pretty upfront about it, because I wasn't able to let go of the fact that really, they WERE consistently inconsiderate.

My way of adjusting? If I wanted to see them at 5:30, I'd say to meet me at X for 5pm. I wouldn't even plan on arriving until about 5:20. No longer cared if they got there before me or not, and in fact it did happen a few times where my friends would beat me to somewhere - and guess what? They would be upset that I wasn't already there! My responses were "Well... it's not like I haven't had to wait hours for you, and I figured that you can start dealing with that end."

I would also plan out locations to meet that had somewhere where I'd be perfectly happy to sit and read for a while, and then I'd take a book. Because at least then when they were late, I wouldn't be having to stand around feeling like an idiot.

But - the 'moral' of the story is - I had to let go of all expectations that they would act in a considerate manner. So in a way, I had to think a lot less of them. But it allowed me to maintain a friendship - and by now I can usually laugh it off and I don't expect ANYONE to ever be on time.

Maybe you could start trying to do that? If your family makes tentative plans again... and they aren't considerate enough to let you know the exact details (or they haven't GOT the exact details, or think you know them already)... well, just get ready for the day right away. If you had other things to do that day, do them earlier on. If that means that you're out running errands when they're finally ready to go - oh well for them! They'll just have to wait for you.

I hope that you start to feel better about it though...