[LisaPJ]

Hello, I am bipolar and I suffer from depression and panic attacks. I am doing everything I can to take care of myself and keep my mental health in check, but what I can't get past is the feelings of being misunderstood and undervalued. People who were suppose to love me unconditionally have left me either physically or emotionally. Now, I have this amazing boyfriend who has supported me sick and well. He kept an eye on my kids while I spent a few days in a stabilization unit recently. Still, I can't help but think that eventually, he'll leave like everyone else. My mother who was also bipolar and a severe alcoholic left me. She always kicked me out of the house, and then when I was 15, she took a job that required her to travel for months at a time. I had no one. I took care of myself. Eventually she told me that she wished she had gone through with aborting me like she did with 3 other pregnancies. My brother left for job corps when he was 18 and never came back. I understood that, because my mother treated him horribly, but he was all the family I had. Why didn't he come back for me? And then I got married which was great, and I had children which I felt healed my heart in so many ways. I then searched for my father and spoke to him for the first time on my 33rd birthday. He immediately became a huge part of my life. I believed that my dad would always be there for me, and I never wanted to let go. But, my husband felt that my dad was taking his place and our marriage eventually ended. He chose to let me go rather than let me have my dad in my life. Now, I'm in an incredible relationship, and my dad has backed away. I know that it's because his wife hates me and wants him to have nothing to do with me. This is nothing new. He has 5 children but is only on good terms with the 2 that belong to her because that's the way she wants it. He fought to keep me in his life until he felt he couldn't fight anymore. So, he reduced our relationship to text messages even though he lives 5 minutes away. He told me that there was nothing more he could do for me, and now that I have my boyfriend, I shouldn't expect anything. All I really want is support. To me, it feels like abandonment, so I told him not to contact me anymore. So, now I don't talk to anyone. I don't let anyone in. I will not give another person a chance to break my heart. I don't want to be that way, but I don't know what else to do. Also, my kids are 15 and 18. I'm scared to death of being without them. I don't want to hold them back, but I cry when I even think about them moving far away from me. My ex husband use to say, "I can't be everything to you". I don't want my current boyfriend to feel that way, and he swears that he never will, but I'm so scared that eventually it will get to be too much for him. I hope that at least one person will share their thoughts. I really don't know what I'm suppose to do.

[Dylanzmama]

Oh, do I understand. The people who were "supposed" to love me unconditionally abandoned me emotionally when I started having problems as an adolescent. Then physically left me reasonably recently. I am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful man in my life, too. I TRY to focus on him and my son but it can be difficult.
The longer I try to deal w/the rejection fallout from my episode in 2010 I realize what people do says more about them than it does about me.
I was just reading a journal I wrote in 2007...I wrote about how my dad told me he never wanted kids and really didn't want his 2nd child. I just remembered him telling me he didn't want my sister . I don't get it. He stayed and raised his family, which I suppose is admirable. But why would he marry my mom when she was 18, and all she ever wanted was a family? Those decisions he made say more about him than me or my sister. Even though she and I reap what he's sown...
Sorry this so long and I never gave you an idea of what you should do...just wanted to let you know someone gets it. Rebuilding self-esteem is difficult !

[A Red Panda]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling abandoned

Yesterday I came across an article that was in another thread here (in the Depression forum) It's about abandonment and depression.

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

I found it to be rather an interesting read... and rather sad and upsetting for me.

[middlepath]

While I cannot comment on what you SHOULD do...I CAN say i understand your feelings. I have some abandonment issues, too and am just working on taking "calculated risks" with people. I sort of look into weather people are worth the effort or not first and then slowly show more of myself. I just don't like to live in such a hesitant way, but once you've been burned, and your heart cannot take much more injury, it seems only natural to become selective on who has access to your love. Relationships run their course, that is a fact. How that goes down is only partially up to us. I guess just being in a good relationship with yourself is the best protection we can offer ourselves??? I don't know...i am trying to figure this out too. I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one out there struggling with this.

[bluewind]

I too have lost my parents and my brothers and sisters. My mother turned on me and dropped me at the ER. She told the front desk that she was 'done with me' and she left. As long as I pretended to be normal she loved me but when my husband and I moved in with her to take care of her after my step-father died I began to have panic attacks and mania with psychosis, rapid cycling and mixed states. I had always been able to act well but my bp has worsened over the years. She blamed my illness on my husband and told me that he had given me bipolar! She kicked him out of the house without telling me and I thought he had left me. Anyway the entire experience was awful and we don't talk now. My brothers and sisters sided with her because she is a phenomenal manipulated and liar.

I have a wonderfully supportive husband who also has bipolar. Sometimes we cycle differently and it is hard but the compassion, empathy and understanding always see us through. After 15 years we are still very much in love. I know he won't leave me. I'm the runner and have left him a couple of times...Always from parental pressure. But look who's standing after the war is over...it's always my husband. With him I shall stay. Too bad my parents couldn't accept us and love us unconditionally. But that's just the way it is.

I try to appreciate every day that I have with him and not worry about the future. I have let go of the past as well. It doesn't exist. All I have is today and today I am grateful to be with this man. Maybe that could help your worrying if your bf will leave you. Just treasure today with him and tomorrow do the same thing.