[middlepath]

I know better than to stop taking lithium but there is something inside me that is so annoyed with taking it and it makes me want to stop. Not abruptly, of course, but try to go med free. I JUST got stabilized. This is the first summer I have only had one hypo episode...during June-August I am usually so busy I need to be peeled off the ceiling and my sleep is reduced so I get really irritable after a couple of months like that before crashing out in late sept.

All of these things point to staying on meds. What is going on that I am fighting this urge to stop them? Its not logical at all. Unfortunately, I can process logic but I usually act on emotion. UGH. trying to use coping skills to sort this out.

Does anyone else fight this type of inner battle with their meds. How often does it come to a head? How do you resolve it?

I don't want to make a stupid choice, fly off the handle and end up getting myself into trouble...so I am really just thinking out loud/venting my inner fight and trying to learn from others.

[wildflowerchild25]

every time i have to pay for my meds i fight this battle. do i really need them? can i try to go without? but i'm with you. i finally feel stable after about six months of absolute craziness and i don't really want to take the chance of going off them.

give it some time and try to act from your wise mind (i'm going to annoy everyone on the board with all my DBT catchphrases now ). maybe do a pros/cons chart for stopping meds? Pros on the one side, cons on the other. but be honest with yourself when you do the cons, because our minds can easily skew the results in our favor.

[Nessa213]

I haven't really been on meds long enough to even get entirely stable on them (been taking the lamictal for about 2 months or so) or to notice any kind of pattern.

But I think this feeling is fairly common. Particularly when you are stable.

For me, I find myself resisting it sometimes because I don't feel like it's doing a damn thing and I find that annoying. But sometimes, it DOES feel like it's working. And at the same time (which is weird) on a day where I feel no pull forward or backward and feel relatively "average", I find myself... missing it. I don't FEEL as intensely as I used to and I feel kind of dead inside.

But... I'm kind of neurotic. And the fact that something I'm taking is changing me beyond something which I can control freaks me out. Some days I just don't like the idea of it ALL. And then some days, when I can literally feel the difference, I don't mind it all.

I also have that problem with my logic. Sometimes my emotions have their own clever way of punching my logic right in the face.

[comicgeek007]

Even though my rational mind knows it's not true, I keep having errant thoughts that someone is poisoning my meds. It's just my mind's way of trying to get me to not take them, I guess.

[Victoria'smom]

I've been feeling this way for a little while even though logically I know I just upped my meds. I'm questioning whether I'm bipolar or just in need of skills to deal with my extended family.

This happens whenever my meds are changed. So of course I stop taking my meds properly (ie. take them every other day). I swear my therapist is sick of having this conversation with whether or not I need medication. Usually my T can talk enough sense into me that by the time I get to pdoc I'm at least more often then not taking my meds. It's also a first sign of hypomania. I think it's more a first sign of feeling human.

[PBCMom]

I definitely struggle with this. I probably spend as much time off my lithium as I do on it. Vicious cycle for me. Seems as though I no sooner get stabilized and I start skipping doses and before you know it I'm off my meds again. Of course eventually things begin to spin out of control and I'm desperate to get back on my lithium again.

I'm not entirely sure why I repeatedly go off my lithium. I'm a very intelligent person and logically I know the cycle and eventual need for lithium is the same every time. Yet, for whatever reason, I stop taking my meds every time.

I think my logic around stopping follows something like this: yes, it's helping but things still aren't great...if I'm still going to struggle with my moods why bother taking the meds at all (the answer is because without the lithium things are even worse); or these side effects stink...who wants to deal with stomach discomfort and recurrent diarrhea forever, I'll just stop because I don't think the lithium is really making that big of a difference (yes it is, just easy to forget how bad things are without it); or maybe I think I don't really need the meds, it's like taking the easy way out...if I'd just try harder I could get by without the lithium (that has yet to work out for me). Maybe it's some combination of these, or none of them, or something completely different. I don't really understand why I repeatedly stop taking my lithium but I do know that it never, not one single time, has ended well. I always have to restart and I do worry that one of these days it will stop working for me altogether because of all the stopping and starting. If that happens I have no idea what I'll do.

I'm just lucky that my poor psychiatrist is so patient with me.

[Seth412]

I can totally relate. Went through this last summer. I thought I could handle no meds.

Well, my anxiety/OCD came back with a bloodthirsty vengeance, and I became unbelievably manic. Eventually it came to a point where my thoughts were racing so fast I couldn't keep one in my head for longer than a split second. I was psychotic. I checked myself into the hospital, where I was promptly given a hefty dose of Zyprexa and Lithium.

So I guess how I dealt with it-I learned first hand just how bad things can get when I drop my meds. Not saying you'll be as bad as me, maybe not. Just saying that You don't have to find out where your worst state of being is. Taking lithium isn't so bad. I've been doing it for years. Check your kidney and thyroid function periodically. You'll be fine.

[rossiv46]

I struggle with that and stopped taking my lithium regularly. My therapist said she could see a train wreck coming and sure enough I ended in hospital. Now I gladly take my meds.

It's still the benchmark for treatment of bipolar illness; but, in my view, the use of
Lamictal is much less troublesome if one can take it. I'd ask my doctor about that
in preference to lithium.

It may not be the devil asking you to stop; it may be your unconscious mind that is
alert to the fact that lithium is the most toxic medication on the market, I was told
by my endocrinologist. Your body may be rebelling against the insult.

There are many others you might like better. I loved Lamictal and took only a very
small dosage to manage the moods.

[middlepath]

Thanks for all of the feedback and suggestions. Fortunately, I am less combative this morning. Now that I am stable(ish) and not dealing with intense moods the way I usually have to, I think my mind is creating drama to replace those feelings. How annoying is that? I don't want to give into one fight just to start another. Interesting to observe how my brain works! pros/cons chart here I come...

[~Christina]

I think anyone deciding to stop meds really need to have a giant tool box full of coping tools and know how to use then effectivley before you even drop the meds. Have a back up plan in place in case things start to go bad .

Good luck !

[sprik]

I get that way to, I think a lot of us feel this way. WE feel fine, I don't need these meds , im going off. , the worst part is we feel fine is because of the meds. Its those horrible voices talking in your head u r hearing. My voices want me to fall apart, give up a lot, do anything to hurt myself, they really can control u if u let them. Just don't listen , use a pro and con, gain control of the situation. U r more than just those!!!! thought , u have rational thoughts. Listen to the right ones, good luck

[turbulence]

I am going through this right now. I just do not want to take the meds. I don't even know why. I stopped my saphris a month or so ago. I stopped my Cymbalta 2 weeks ago. I have dropped my dose of Lithium to a quarter of what it should be. It is like I want to feel something. I don't know what is going to happen and in some ways I don't care.

[Anika.]

Yup felt it many many many times. I dunno how many times I went off my lithium. But I am off all meds and and I am not looking back.

There is always more than one option or even two. It's not limited to stay on meds and suffer or go off meds and suffer. But like Christina said you have to be very prepared if you want it to last and be sustainable.

I don't think the feeling of wanting to come off meds is defiant or abnormal in any way. Seems to be a very normal response to putting chemicals into the body that come with risks. We are aware of it and aware that just maybe the medicated us is not quite us either. Just my opinion from my own experiences. To me it actually seems logical. Logical doesn't always mean it's the right choice or the right choice for right now.

Maybe now isn't quite the time but is also doesn't mean never, if that is what you truly desire. I think there is a reason why so so many bipolar patients want to or drop their meds and I have a feeling it is not always because we feel fine.

You are definatly not alone with this one. I think it is or was actually listed as a symptom , tho a symptom of bipolar.. I would argue a symptom of humanity.

[Bloem]

I have often had those thoughts and also act on it....What usually went very wrong.
I took almost 3 years Depakote and seroquel. if all went well I thought I could without seroquel, it was only for sleeping and Depakote I dared not to stop.
So I stopped seroquel ..... and after 2 or 3 days without sleep I was hypomanic which in itself was not that bad....but bad enough to make myself believe that I needed no sleep and that i only had more 'energy' ..."It would be fine" the result? I got manic.....full manic and hospitalization was necessary. Got stable ...for a time and thought again i could without medication with the same result. One day I accidentally forgot to take Depakote....and then got the idea to reduce it...and eventually stopped. It works for me but I do need seroquel now I take it even at a higher dose than first.

I have discussed with my pdoc other moodstabilizators but for now I want to try it this way.

I learned the hard way and took many risks and I still take a risk by taking no moodstabilizator. But a high dose of medication was also not good for me, in a way that I was suffering from the side effects. I also 'suffer' from the side effects of seroquel but that's nothing compared to the good effect it gives me.

Bloem

[venusss]

I don't think the feeling of wanting to come off meds is defiant or abnormal in any way. Seems to be a very normal response to putting chemicals into the body that come with risks. We are aware of it and aware that just maybe the medicated us is not quite us either. Just my opinion from my own experiences. To me it actually seems logical. Logical doesn't always mean it's the right choice or the right choice for right now.

Could also be that meds aren't working as well as you and your doctors would like to believe. I don't believe in the whole "your illness is lying to you/telling you to stop meds". It can be your body telling you this is not working for you and you may need something... else.

[Trippin2.0]

Yeah, my body was not impressed with lithium, no devils needed to convince me that my body and mind didn't like being numbed out and dumbed down. No matter how "asymptomatic" (read lifeless) I was.

Glad I listened to my body, its usually always right.
Like when it tells me I'm stressed and I need to chill out. i.e Headaches, zits, sentive scalp. Or that I'm gonna get sick, i.e, lethargy / exhaustion depending how long I ignore it. My body's very smart and since I suck at recognizing these things, I take my cues from her

On a side note, I minded being on Tegratol, my body didnt have a problem with it at all...

Not saying your meds are poison and you must quit. Just saying I don't believe wanting to quit is a symptom either. Not for a second, its human nature. I doubt anyone looks forward to chemo, insulin shots, ARV's and whatnot. We all want to be without meds one way or the other.

Only you can decide, adopt a mindset that will accept pills for now or pills for life, quit meds, or make peace with dealing with this "devil" indefinitly...

[avlady]

When I'm stable I sometimes think of stopping my meds. I know from past experience that I am stable from the meds and am not thinking clearly when i think of going off of them, as that is what is keeping me stable, but i don't recognize that i need the meds to stay stable. I've ued to go on and off, but from all those trials, i realize i need them to continue to be ok.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Could also be that meds aren't working as well as you and your doctors would like to believe. I don't believe in the whole "your illness is lying to you/telling you to stop meds". It can be your body telling you this is not working for you and you may need something... else.

Spot on, Venus!!!

Middlepath, for me, the "something... else" did include meds, though - just a change in meds. I feel my side effects are a LOT less severe, which makes getting on with life and feeling less of a hypochondriac a whole lot easier.
Besides meds, there is a host of other things that can be done to help you cope, so have a go at those too.

The risk of a psychotic relapse and having to go onto antipsychotics (which I hated), and the risk of getting into trouble with the law are just too great for me to ignore, so I am reluctant to chance going off meds again.

I have finally found a med cocktail that more or less works for me.
I still have symptoms like working memory & executive functioning difficulties, swinging moods, and drowsiness from my meds, but they are way better than what I experienced on some of the earlier drugs (of which lithium was one).