Finally.. I see a grief/loss counselor today

She sounds good on the phone. She is 5 minutes away and is in my health plan.

She is a Psychologist and also deals with bipolar. I hope this isn't too good to be true.

It could not come any sooner. I read somewhere the 6 month mark after a loss is when a lot of people seek counseling. It is six months and his 28th birthday is coming up. I am so overwhelmed with sadness I cry most of the day. The quilt and flashbacks are haunting me. I just can't believe he is gone !

I started the Chris Powell 12 week weight challenge yesterday. The diet is going good, but exercise is hard. I am weaning off Seroquel and I think I am having withdrawal. It is so hard to move when you are very depressed too.

There are so many things that need to change. They say your environment/house is important to your well being. My house is very depressing right now. So messy and dirty and all the unfinished projects Jason and his dad started.

My husband is still nagging me. What does he want from me ? I started the diet, I got a counselor, I started to exercise, I did a little cleaning yesterday, I am getting off most my meds.

All this still isn't good enough for him he was still yelling at me and telling me you don't listen you need to this and this and this.
He comes home goes out in his 'man room'. Then he yells at me for awhile than I don't see him again.

It is so hard to be positive and so hard to find a reason to keep living.

I hope this psychologist is good and we hit it off.

Just wanted to add Jason's picture

I am so sorry you are struggling so badly right now and have so little support from your husband. It is difficult to cope with grief alone. I hope that you hit the jackpot it seems with the counselor you found and she gives you the motivation needed to make the adjustments to your life that will bring you peace and joy and contentment.

*hugs* I really, really, hope that this psychologist will be a good person!!! I think it's encouraging that she deals with bipolar - at least she won't reject you for that!

Congrats on starting the diet! I hope it keeps going well, I am really really bad and sticking with anything

I'm so glad you're going to the grief councelor. Thank you so much for that update.

I'm proud of you, Speed! You're doing a good job! I think you deserve to hear that, because it's true! Good work on starting a new diet! Good job on trying to exercise! I hear you, it's hard to exercise when depressed, that's what knocked me down, too, but I'll get back up on it. The house, little by little you can do it. I know you can. One baby step at a time, you're moving forward, and that's great!

Good for you for doing what you need to do to survive and to continue to build a life. Unfortunately, it sounds like you and H are dealing with the loss in very different ways. He seems to be taking it out on you, maybe it is too painful for him to look at...
Grieving is necessary, tears are healthy, the wound is recent and terribly tragic...
I am glad you will have someone to talk to and who will help you to see how strong you are and how much life there still is for you to engage in----your loss is great...still so new,
and a person who "should" still be here is gone. Hugs and best to you. I understand totally about the house----makes one want to be able to go to sleep and wake up to having had it all taken care of, so overwhelming at a time when you don't need anything else to weigh on you---H is just as capable of cleaning---if it bothers him, encourage him to do something about it...sorry, I am always struck by the tendency of one person in a home to blame the other for things they can help to address.

Your son's eyes are kind. I am so sorry your heart is broken and that your husband is treating you in a less than respectful way. I wonder if you are his only "safe" place to explode from his broken heart...not that it makes it ok, i am just wondering if his combativeness is simply grief. Hang tight...your new T should be able to get in there and help you sift through things. Keep enough strength held back to get your self to that appointment and make sure you have a few things written down so that you can make the most of the time you spend. Well wishes for your heart to find a reason that makes life worth living.

Yes, Jason was a kind, loving, talented, bright but tortured soul.
I so wish I could have helped him see how worthwhile and loved he was. My mom committed suicide when I was 22. She was a polio survivor, alcoholic and had depression. From a early age,being the only girl, I sensed my mother's pain. A few months before she died I convinced her to get help. Ultimately it was the antidepressants that killed her. I see know how much she was like Jason. Smart,funny, talented, but she too was a tortured soul. I could not save her either. On earth she never knew Jason.
I hope now in heaven they have met, that image helps me some.

You are all such loving and kind people. Your words help me more than you could ever know. Thank you

Keeping my fingers crossed in hopes that this grief counselor will be the help that really
brings you through this stage of grief.

Be sure to mention that husband of yours!

Take care, Speed3.

My personal belief is we're all reunited with those spirits who came before us, even if we never met them physically. So, I think it's a beautiful thought that your mom and Jason are together.

Speed, You are one of the strongest people I "know". Youare amazing and I am so glad that you found someone who might be able to help. You have been carrying a tremendous burden and it might be helpful to have someone you can really share with. Anniversaries and birthdays are so hard. I will be praying for you and Jason and your mother and your husband.
Peace,
Nobody

Speed, like you I am learning---through fear and sorrow of my own---one truth: you can only do what you can do. And you are doing EVERYTHING you can.....to get better....to deal with your grief.....to improve your health. The fact that you are still here is proof of your incredible strength, and I hope I'll be able to withstand the loss of a loved one with the kind of dignity you have.

Speed, I do not know what this 12 wk program is (do be aware that the likelihood of long term weight loss is minimal across the various commercial diet plans, and it sounds like this guy Chris Powell is capitalizing on the fact that diets can be successful short term (12 weeks) so he is probably trying to get credit for your initial success, but if you lapse later, he would blame you), but I do realize that this program is a challenge for regular people who are not grieving the loss of their only child, not weaning themselves off hardcore antipsychotics, are not depressed, etc.etc. So be kind to yourself and do not make this program yet another stressor in your life. If you like it - good, if you do not like it - sour grapes.

if you don't mind me asking how you think it went? Do you think the psychologist will work out for you? I'm really happy that you were able to find someone even though it took a really long time. I admire you for trying so hard to get help when everything has been against you. You are stronger than I'll ever be. I'm wishing hope and happiness for you.

Chris Powell does the extreme weight loss show on tv. This challenge is just a jump start for a live long change. I wrote to him before I started. At first one of his assistants emailed me back. Last night I got an email from Chris Powell himself. He told me to hang in there, I can do it one meal, one day, one exercise at a time. He believes in me and is here for me. I was astounded, this man is so busy, but he read my story. He cared enough to write to me himself. Knowing his story and watching the transformations of the people he works with, I have great respect for him and the work he does. He believes weight loss isn't really about the diet and exercise, but about the changes you make in your mind and believing you are worth it. I could go on and on. I don't think there will be any sour grapes. But thank you for your advice.

BipolarNurse how are you ? I think and pray for you everyday. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You bring me tears to take the time out of what you are dealing with and post to me ... There are no words... Thank you

It went well. I had a bad anxiety attack leaving the house. This first session was mainly a history taking session. She is very kind and was very attentive. She also gave me a lead on a new Psychiatrist who specializes in bipolar. She was shocked by how my current PDOC has been treating me. I meet with her again on Monday. She also wants to meet with me and my husband.

I am optimistic. Thank you for asking.

Oh thank goodness! Someone who is a good person at last!!!

I'm sorry to hear you had a panic attack though I probably would have too!

Yes, thank goodness! I am so glad you told her about your psychiatrist!

I'm very pleased to hear it went well. I'm so proud of you for going depsite the panic attack.

I agree, weight loss also is in the mind. Lifestyle change is the ultimate goal, and baby steps are okay because it's hard even for people with the best circumstances.

Sweetie, we are all here to help support each other. If we didn't, then what would give meaning to our experiences? What would be the purpose of suffering? I think we humans are meant to go through hard times because they humble us, and because they make us empathetic with others who are in distressing circumstances.

I think of and pray for you too, my friend. As much as I hate what's happening in my life right now, I believe the Lord knows what He is doing and that He has a plan for my husband and me. I may not agree with it, and I will most certainly protest it if I don't; but I also know He can handle it.