[ambitious_lemon]

I'm having such a freaking hard time with my Bi Polar Disorder!!!

I was diagnosed Nov 2012 with Bi Polar 1 Disorder, I feel like it's quickly becoming unmanageable on my own with medication. They have me on 20 mg Prozac and I did take 75 mg Saroquel. I had to stop taking the Saroquel when it caused an episode of sheer violence which ended up with my head making a hole in the wall. Saroquel just isn't the answer for me. I just couldn't clear my head, I couldn't think straight and everything inside me just wanted to give up at that moment. I stopped the Saroquel once month ago with out Doctor consultaion. I still have violent episodes where I punch myself as hard as I can in the chest or rip out hair. My newest episode is screaming bloody murder when I can't manage my thoughts and emotions any more. I have issues with feelings of despair and loneliness, then some days I am in a good mood. I have many more bad days than I do good days. What turns out to be a good day in the morning can change within a matter of moments to be an awful day. Even when I am having a good day, I still feel empty inside.

I think there is something else going on with me. Maybe Rapid Cycling Bi Polar? I'm starting to scare myself and just get so annoyed I don't want to be around myself. I want to be stable and happy again.

It's effecting my social life and family life. I refuse to talk to anyone, and I am very quiet most the time. I cry at least once a day. I have zero friends, and the friends I use to have, I've alienated. I am starting to alienate my family and my boyfriend. I don't know how to explain the extremes in my mood to my boyfriend. I know he doesn't understand.

I had a little Bi Polar episode yesterday at the grocery store. It was in front of my boyfriend and his sister. I had a mini melt down because I was so overwhelmed since we were at the wrong store, no one was listening to me (I truly feel this happens a lot), I couldn't find what I was looking for and I just got super depressed suddenly. I try to control myself, but lashed out irrationally at my boyfriend and just looked like a damn fool in front of his sister. I was upset cause I told him 4 times I wanted to go to a different store, and he didn't listen. I apologized for my behavior, then he's like "You're just crazy, it's ok...I still love you" I quickly took my hand out of his and told him that I wasn't crazy and it made me upset to hear that. It made me really think how under control I really have my condition in. It rules my life at times. Maybe I am crazy?

How do I talk to my doctor about this? I am afraid of taking more medication cause I don't know how it will effect me. I don't want to gain weight (It'll just make me more depressed), I don't want to be violent towards myself anymore though.

I purchased some books off of Amazon today:


Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament
(I used to draw and paint a lot, this seemed interesting to me)


An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness


Welcome to the Jungle: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Bipolar but Were Too Freaked Out to Ask
(Was recommended for people in the twenties dealing with Bi Polar Disorder)

I am hoping they will open some insight on my disorder. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I do plan on trying to get some more help. but I am scared.

[Mollywisk]

Hi

I hope the dr was helpful today. I just finished Unquiet Mind and found it helpful and easy to read. It gave me hope, too, that I could be functional in work and life.

[BlueInanna]

When boyfriends have told me, "you're just crazy but I love you..."
Aaarghh that does not help me. I know they're trying to be sweet or something but I don't like it.

The meds ur on aren't helping you, I would tell the doc that. And meds are not for everyone either. I just finally lost the 30 lbs gained from lithium I quit last November.

Do u have a therapist / T? I can't afford one right now but want to get back in with one, weekly would be nice.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Skittles56]

I don't think you can blame Seroquel for the violent irritability. It should be just the opposite. You said you were taking 75 mg. From what I've read, the minimum therapeutic dose is 200 mg. Anyway, you said you are still having violent urges even after you quit taking it. It's not really a very good idea to stop taking medications without telling your doctor.

You say that it is becoming more unmanageable on your own with meds. Since you stopped the Seroquel, the only med you are taking is Prozac. That's just an antidepressant. You can't expect it to do anything for violent or psychotic behavior.

How to talk to your doctor? Just write down everything you have said here and repeat it to him. Or you can just let him read it. Have you tried finding a therapist? I think that would help.

Anyway, I'm sorry you are struggling, and I really hope you can get it under control.

[Victoria'smom]

I would print this out if you are willing to that way s/he can know what's going on without you struggling to say it because appointments are only 10-20 min.

[ultramar]

It sounds like you're having a terrible time of it regulating your emotions on a daily basis and are getting very triggered. Are you sure this isn't the BPD (I see this in your 'Mental Health Concerns') rearing it's head? Just a thought.

As someone suggested, I would highly recommend printing your post and showing your pdoc.

Prozac alone is certainly not treatment for bipolar disorder. I hope you talk to your pdoc about this choice of his/hers and discuss medication regimens.

Are you in therapy? Have you tried DBT? My understanding is that it can be very helpful.

I had a little Bi Polar episode yesterday at the grocery store

From what you describe, this incident sounds like a very strong reaction to the situation you were in. Bipolar 'episodes' don't tend to start and end with an incident, such as you have described.

I really hope you can clear this up with your pdoc and get on a helpful treatment regimen, whether it's different meds and/or therapy. It sounds like you're going through an awful time, I wish you the best of luck.

I agree with Ultrama, what you described may not be bi polar, instead this sounds more like BPD. Also being on an antidepressant on its own you are lucky you havent gone manic on it. Meds really should be taken as doctors advise and while seroquel is a pretty horrible drug to be on it definitely can help with negative and violent behaviours. Again I agree DBT might be a good option for you to check out.

*hugs* its not fun going through a mental illness, I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[BlueInanna]

There is a correlation between bp & irritability, rage, screaming, crying fits, violence. 15% Sui rate in bp is violence toward self.

I'm tired of all the talk like bp is so innocent and they must be borderline pd. I get rage big time during hypo, During pms, during my period. I have some bpd traits. I also have long periods of stability.

I'm not trying to be rude but I really am tired of seeing ppl come to bp forum for support with their rage & irritability issues and being dismissed as borderline. Both disorders can have major irritability & rage problems. . I'm not trying to be an expert, just a woman trying to find her way through potentially both dx's.

That said, nothing excuses violence... We just have to try to own it and do better. Or they lock us up.

[ultramar]

I agree that irritability can absolutely be a component of hypomania, rage of mania, etc. The differentiation, to an extent, lies in if this is part of a broader/larger grouping of symptoms suggesting hypo/mania. If you're going through a process of a huge change in energy level, for example, and this is part of it, and it becomes pervasive over days and weeks, etc., then, yes, perhaps.

However, if someone out of the blue blows up at someone or at a situation because it has triggered them and then when the trigger is over they go back to baseline, I think that is often something else entirely. That's not a process. It's not an episode. It's blowing up at something, at a given moment, a moment in time, in response to something specific. Trigger over, rage over.

Irritability, anger, rage, occur in both disorders --but I think they manifest themselves in very different ways. Anger does not = BPD and it does not = hypo/mania, it depends on other factors as well.

I think that it's important to keep in mind that, although there is the (unproven) theory that bipolar disorder is some sort of chemical imbalance (and therefore, as the thinking goes, not in people's control) and BPD is a 'personality disorder' (and therefore, as the thinking goes, 'under one's control') does not mean that both people with bipolar just as much as people who suffer from BPD, shouldn't -equally- take responsibility for their behavior and do everything possible to not hurt others. They are different disorders, yes, with different origins (though there's still a good deal of mystery there), but I don't buy the bipolar = not-my-fault vs BPD my-fault dichotomy.

In this sense, suggesting possible BPD is not assigning blame. It's a matter of achieving an accurate diagnosis so that the treatment can actually help, so that proper treatment isn't delayed, as it often is in the case, I think, of both disorders.

My 2 cents, anyway.

[A Red Panda]

All I'm going to post is this:

You're just taking Prozac, right?

Anti-depressants on their own are a terrriblllle idea for bipolar and it could be making your mania worse. You need to let your pdoc know that you stopped the Seroquel, because you need a mood stabilizer or an anti-psychotic. I don't know anything about anti-psychotics, so I don't know if they'll work as a counter to anti-depressants.. I'm going to assume it would as I would hope that your pdoc wouldn't have gave you Prozac without something to keep it under wraps!

[ambitious_lemon]

I went to the doctor yesterday morning. I told him about how I have been feeling lately and that I stopped with Saroquel. He said the Prozac alone will not help and has cut the Prozac from 20 mg to 10 mg and has now prescribed me Depakote 250 mg, twice daily. (I'm very small, about 5' 3" and 40 kg, so my doses are not really massive) He wanted to commit me due to how depressed I have been and angry...I declined. If I am committed, I cannot work. If I do not work, I will have no place to live and no way to pay for treatment. Uggh.

I did make an appointment to see a Psychiatrist next week. Hopefully the medication is working to a certain extent and I can talk about my feelings. I qualified for the sliding scale pricing, so this makes me feel better about paying for treatment. I am going to ask them if my Psych can have a sit down consultation or something with my boyfriend so he can understand what I am going through. I am getting ZERO support. I haven't told my family nor my employer about my Bipolar disorder. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I do not want this! Great....made myself cry.

This Depakote is making me sick to my stomach. I still feel full of rage and anger.

[A Red Panda]

Stick with it lemon! It'll take a few weeks for the depakote to take effect, and side-effects are common especially at the start!

I'm sorry that you aren't getting any support. My family nor my employer know about the bipolar either - I'm a teacher and I HAVE told a few coworkers, including our school councelor, haha.

If your boyfriend is open to it, and hey, even you... here's a module that my T gave me - it wasn't particularly useful for me because I'm already quite well-read with bipolar, but I think it's an excellent resource for people who are new with it!

Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) - Psychotherapy, Research, Training

The various modules have different things for you to do with them, but the information in the booklet could be really useful for your bf to read.

[Coffee Girl]

You are NOTTTTTTT crazy! I can relate to feeling that way too. Luckily I have a good therapist who reminds me that I have bipolar by no fault of my own. Same for all of us. I hope you find some solace and understanding in the books you purchased. Kudos to you for buying them and doing something to help yourself....not always an easy thing to do. Have you ever heard of Julie Fast? She has BP herself and writes good books about it.