My huband is suffering - It's tearing me apart

I met my husband 13 years ago. I was diagnosed bipolar 10 years ago. He did not know as I was ashamed. I stopped the meds when I felt fine. I had an episode about 8 years ago, again with meds all came right and I flew solo.

I hit a manic stage and formed an emotional online bond ( purely platonic ) with another man - we met me recently while staying at a friends house ( we exchanged email addresses).

The guilt is unbearable.

My husband being the genius that he is, figured out the online "affair" and was completely gutted. I have never hurt anyone emotionally. Hurting him - killed a part of me.

He says he understands why the "affair" happened and has forgiven me. He is my first and only love. I have never had another partner.

I have been to a psychiatrist twice and have been on meds now for 2.5 weeks having changed the course once.

I can not forgive myself for what i have done. He deserves better. I am emotionally distancing myself. I feel it will be a matter of time that he decides that he can't forgive me, and decides to leave me. ( can you say abandonment issues?)

He has been diagnosed with depression after this episode.

So it is quite entertaining at home... He has done so much research on being/coping with/meds of bipolar and is 100% committed to saving our marriage.

The problem is I have only felt manic and depressed. I know I have to come to the party and do damage control. I have a very demanding job and that is the only thing I have strength for at the moment.

I have a desire to be alone - because I don't want him to see me sleeping and weeping the whole time. It is so pathetic.

I hope the meds will lift my mood soon - I just want to be my old self again. My psychiatrist said i will probably have to take epilim (mood stabilizer) for the rest of my life to prevent such an episode - I am fine with that.

I believe my husband hates me, and that I am a burden. He says this is not true.

I am pushing him away every opportunity - need to stop but somehow I can't

I'm sorry you're feelin this way. Depression can make us believe things that aren't true and keep us trapped in guilt. The only way out is to forgive yourself for what you have done. Try some affirmations to get started. Like try saying to yourself I am good person or I deserve my husband's love. Sounds like you are the one causing your own suffering at this point. You're beating yourself up for something that already happened. Radical acceptance might help in your situation as well. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it, just that you accept what happened and that you can't change it.

Good luck to you. You sound like a good person and I hope you give yourself a break.

Hi Morigan. I have been where you are. My husband forgave and has proved it by standing by me through up and downs. You can be forgiven and get your life back. Believe in your husband, he deserves another chance and so do you.
Gayle

He sounds like a keeper! They're hard to find. I'm wondering if CBT would help you change your thinking patterns? My H and I have been married thirty years and I ask him regularly, "do you love me?" He's nice about it and it's just part of our routine.

Remember this: feelings do not always reflect reality. In Bipolars, feelings OFTEN don't reflect reality.

I too, damaged my family in ways I cannot even think about today. So I can truthfully say that I understand what you're feeling. I did much worse things than you describe. And now that I'm seeing some results from my treatment plan, I think about those things and can't even imagine how I ever could have done them.

Your husband is willing to fight. Are you? Because that's the best possible way to make it right-- fight this disease with everything tool at your disposal.

Meds will help you, but if you want to beat this thing, then you need to hit it with everything you have: Exercise, Cognitive Therapy, a regular schedule, diet, and more.

Someone once told me: "When you're overwhelmed, just focus on the first thing you need to do. That's all-- just the first thing."

I'm guessing the first thing you need to do is decide to fight with everything you have. I'll also wager that once your husband sees how hard you're fighting, it will make things easier for him. You might also want to look at a book titled "Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder". The interesting thing about this book is that it not only helped my wife, it was AMAZINGLY helpful to me. I understood what she was going through; I understood myself better and I formed a better treatment plan.

I agree with outdoorsman. If your husband is willing to fight, you need to fight, too.

During an extended manic period, I did a lot of damage to my family, much more so than what you are describing. My wife forgave me and we have been working hard for a little over a year to get things right. Things are going great. There is hope if you both want to try.

I think the best thing you can do is to let go of the guilt. You can't forget what you did. That's important so you will not go down that road again. But guilt is a negative emotion that neither helps nor solves anything. That's what is distancing you. You can't change the past, you can only choose the road you travel now and in the future.

Hope this helps.