[Unknown Shadow]

I have social anxiety whole my life.
I'm suffering from depression for year or two now. I've gone through several strong depression phases including serious suicidal thoughts, and a few light ones which were really just on level of sadness or bad mood.
Sometimes, the depression is suddenly gone, but returns in few weeks, or even days. Even during these "normal times", I often catch myself thinking about death and suicide, but just passively.
There are days, when I feel very motivated and creative, that I just open Photoshop, grab a tablet and start painting. When in one of those days I'm thinking about my past depression states, it all seem unreal, like I "cried for nothing".
In past three months, I had several sudden heavy depression phases, with thoughts of type "I'm-doing-it-right-here-right-now", of which I got through just by lucky chance (e.g. someone came over, or phone rang, etc.).
Now in last less than week, I was feeling normal again, when yesterday, all of sudden a depression jumped on me. It was mixed with aggression, like, when someone was talking on me, or just asked a simple question, I suddenly got this urgent need to punch him in the face. Luckily I didn't.
This depression phase lasted until later today, when my mood suddenly jumped right up to overly happiness, I even chatch myself singing, and I felt some kind of hyperactive.
Exactly this "hyperaction" made me to type these lines, as I never experienced this kind of jump from one extreme to another.
I really don't know what's going on with me lately...

mixed episode, perhaps?

[gayleggg]

I would suggest speaking with my psychiatrist about these mood swings. Could be some sort of mixed episode. I wouldn't fool around with it though. I would try to see someone soon.
Gayle

[Unknown Shadow]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I would suggest speaking with my psychiatrist about these mood swings. Could be some sort of mixed episode. I wouldn't fool around with it though. I would try to see someone soon.
Gayle

Yeah, maybe you're right, but I just can't convince myself to speak to someone, even to my family or my best friend. Actually, this is the first time I'm talking about it ever...

[wildflowerchild25]

i agree. definitely try to get a pdoc if you don't already have one. the severe depression is what's most upsetting because of the suicidality. this is what i started experiencing earlier in the year. i had my first true manic episode in april. it was fun until it turned on me and it can turn quickly. you may have some form of bipolar disorder if you haven't already been dx'ed. the depression mixed with agression is concerning as well. try to get to a pdoc as soon as you can.

welcome to PC and i hope you feel better soon!

[ultramar]

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much. Do you have a therapist -and/or a psychiatrist?

If you're concerned about bipolar disorder, I would recommend getting evaluated by a psychiatrist.

Any number of things could be going on. Aggression/irritability can be a part of depression itself (as well as anxiety). Sometimes someone who is so consistently depressed, when they feel somewhat happy, it feels especially intense because it's not what they're used to.

Are you finding that this hyperness/happiness you're feeling now is destructive in some way, or is it a generally good, but relatively stable, feeling?

If you go to see a psychiatrist if you're interested in diagnosis, one thing that can be helpful is to chart your moods over a period of time (a few weeks or more, for example), also whatever environmental triggers may be affecting you.

I wish you luck with this, I hope you can get the help you need!

[Unknown Shadow]

Originally Posted by ultramar

Sometimes someone who is so consistently depressed, when they feel somewhat happy, it feels especially intense because it's not what they're used to.

I don't think it's just a subjective feeling... Sometimes when depression pass, I feel pretty normal. This time it was some kind of boost of irrational happiness, like I was on drugs or something, and it lasted just few hours.

Originally Posted by ultramar

Are you finding that this hyperness/happiness you're feeling now is destructive in some way, or is it a generally good, but relatively stable, feeling?

It was no way a bad feeling. It was actually pretty good, or at least better than depression phase (not that depression is good in any way).

About seeing the therapist... I'm a student still living with my parents, so I can't afford it on my own, and I don't think my parents would understand or believe me. I'm actually affraid to talk to anyone...

[Unknown Shadow]

Today, out of nowhere, a really heavy depression appeared. I'm constantly thinking about death. I really want (need!) to die, I know it wouldn't be wise, but it's not that simple. I know I need to come out of the closet and get professional help, but I just can't get past my social anxiety and talk to someone.
I was even thinking about faking suicide, so people would (will have to) take me seriously. I know this is really foolish idea, but I'm affraid when I just tell someone that I have depression and I'm thinking about ending my life, people would think that I'm joking or overacting, as I'm really good at hiding my feeling and putting on mask of fake happiness.
I just don't know what to do, I'm getting very close to the day when I just can't take this anymore...

I think I will just go to bed, so I won't do anything stupid. I hope you guys can give me some advice what should I do...

[ultramar]

It sounds like you're changing moods very quickly. I really hope you get help. Maybe you can start with your GP/PCP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. If you want to, you could also then get a referral from the psychiatrist to a therapist. Whatever your diagnosis ends up being, you're clearly suffering, that's all that matters. You've stopped by here seeking help, which is a good thing, now the next step is seeking out professional help. I wish you luck.