[Seaswept]

Hi everyone. I feeling like I need to try and relate to others with bp again. No one in my real life seems to get it. How difficult it can be.

So any ways I've been doing ok I guess...no meds for 6 months and pretty stable but boring. I struggle with the day to day. I "lay low a lot" Don't want to take on too much...in fear of stress. Stress is a trigger for me. But I feel as though I'm just existing rather than really living. Or is life just boring sometimes?

I work part time, cook, shuttle my daughter, watch my soap, take a nap that's basically my average day. I feel like theres a hole in my life. and am tired of living in fear!!

How much do you do in a day? How much is enough? How much is too little?
I know everyone is different. Just wondering how other peoples day go.

[kaliope]

well I work 7-9 hours a day depending on which day it is. I don't go in till 11. I wake up at 1015 to go to work. I come home, take my meds, microwave a meal, and watch tv until I get tired around 10-11pm. I like my sleep. I have been reading a bit lately. about once a month I go to an oil painting class. I watch tv all weekend. at the end of the month I will start grad school. im agoraphobic so I rarely go out and do anything. so I think your life is a little more exciting than mine is.....hehe

Not good. Have not much in the way of understanding in my real life. No one understands how hard i try.then i come here and i let it out, but not the right way. So people see me as a crisis hound, when really i am alone and scared. Sorry to post this on your thread, but thats my days

[Seaswept]

Kaliope thats great about grad school! I wonder sometimes if I'm somewhat agoraphobic, how do you know you are. Is it a crippling fear to be out of the house?

Thats why I came back on here, Dan, to try and let some stuff out. I don't know if there is a right or wrong way. Is there a forum posting etiquette I don't know about? I thought it was a place to vent as well as give support.

Don't apologize I'm glad you responded cuz I'm scared too.

It is a place for all that, no ettiquite required. its not the group, its just me

[Mollywisk]

I am on medical leave but before the past two weeks when I was diagnosed and put on leave, I worked 12-16 hours per day. Sometimes from home. On those days I struggled with waking up on time, staying focused, and following through with projects. Those days were full of conference calls - some of which I led and others that I listened to or participated in. There were lots of action steps after them.

On the days that I was out in the field, my days varied. I seldom if ever went to the same place two days in a row. My territory is over two states, so sometimes I flew and stayed in hotels. Other days, due to traffic and commute to sites that are 2-3 hours each way from my home, I sometimes stay in hotel but am driving.

Often, after being out all day, I am home or in a hotel room answering emails or following up on projects. While I am driving, I am usually on the phone most of the time.

Now that I write that all down, I can't help say "what the hell was I thinking!"

Or perhaps that is a job for someone who is BP with ADD.

The job took over my life - and I think I set poor boundaries with it because others in my position had more of a private life than I do. Or maybe it took me longer than others to get all the tasks done. I was good at it until about 18 months ago, even with all the tough events in my life, until my brother and only sibling died. I think that his death was the last straw to dealing with depression on my own.

I am struggling with going back perhaps in 10 days - maybe more depending on my visit on Weds with my pdoc. I need to finish the last chapter of my Ph.D. dissertation that I have been ignoring and then have other work options.

I am trying to spend my days with small projects, only one at a time. For example, today, I spent one hour (set a timer) unsubscribing to emails that come from companies. They fill my inbox, and stress me out. I miss important emails in the clutter. I updated a Log In/Password list of internet sites we have, and categorized it so information is easier to find. I talked to a couple friends, who are supportive. And my cousin, who I love but doesn't know - she is struggling with a terminally ill husband and I don't want to add to her stress.

I took a shower. At 4 pm.

I hope I didn't threadjack. I don't intend to - and I sincerely love reading everyone else's posts. I am learning from you all and I thank you.

Originally Posted by Seaswept

Kaliope thats great about grad school! I wonder sometimes if I'm somewhat agoraphobic, how do you know you are. Is it a crippling fear to be out of the house?

Thats why I came back on here, Dan, to try and let some stuff out. I don't know if there is a right or wrong way. Is there a forum posting etiquette I don't know about? I thought it was a place to vent as well as give support.

Don't apologize I'm glad you responded cuz I'm scared too.

I should not have given you a bad image of the site. Sorry about that. No, this IS a great place to post, no right or wrong! No ettiquite to worry about, just good people.

I just feel misunderstood. that is MY fault, not the groups. I made my bed here by posting and going into crisis almost everyday, trying to find something. but I realize that nothing is ever going to change... So I won't post threads now. No point in it for me, but you should take full advantage of the site. there are many, many great people on here that would love to talk to you!

[Mollywisk]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I should not have given you a bad image of the site. Sorry about that. No, this IS a great place to post, no right or wrong! No ettiquite to worry about, just good people.

I just feel misunderstood. that is MY fault, not the groups. I made my bed here by posting and going into crisis almost everyday, trying to find something. but I realize that nothing is ever going to change... So I won't post threads now. No point in it for me, but you should take full advantage of the site. there are many, many great people on here that would love to talk to you!

Dan, I hope you keep posting. Be gentle with yourself, please. This is rough to deal with every day and we all have good and bad days.

Originally Posted by Mollywisk

Dan, I hope you keep posting. Be gentle with yourself, please. This is rough to deal with every day and we all have good and bad days.

This board needs a break from me. And rightfully so! Nothing is going to change! Ever! I don't get to use the excuse of having a bad day, not now... not after having crisis after crisis.... blowing up the boards, and for what? No, I'm not making that mistake again.

all I would say is that I feel like disappearing. Feel like going down to the lake that we boat on and swimming out there as far as I could until I had no energy left in me to swim anymore! There, I said it. Does it change anything... no. Am I really going to do that.... I want to... believe me I do... but I have kids. So no, chances are I won't.

I am not trying to unload on you... I'm just emotional right now and I mean no harm to you. You are only trying to support me and don't deserve this.

I'm not hijacking the thread..... lets get back to the O.P.

Im sorry, you didnt deserve that

[Seaswept]

Its okay, sounds like your having a really hard time. Wish I could say something useful or helpful.

I've posted on here in the past so you didn't give me a bad image. I just personally never know if I post properly, like if I'm doing it right because this is the only place I've ever posted online. I don't have much experience with it, thats all I guess.

[Seaswept]

It sounds like you get really obsessive thoughts Dan and very hard on yourself. I'm hard on myself as well. I have trouble forgiving myself. Still have shame over things I've done when manic and all of the weight I've put on.

[Seaswept]

.....and feel like an outcast!

Thats how i feel too. Like i used up all my welcome. Had one too many uncontrollable moments. Yes, like an outcast. Obsessive yes.

This is my only goto place i really have no one else or other place i can go. I hate feeling this way about it

I was off for about six months... long story, but maybe I saw you around before that?

look me up if you ever want to talk. It's been nice.

[Seaswept]

Thanks.

I just feel like an outcast generally. In real life everywhere I guess. Had to do with my place in the family I think... long story. but on some level I know its just how I feel its not real.

[Seaswept]

....and I have a bit of a paranoia streak lol.

it's hard not to feel like an outcast when it always feels like there is something wrong, something to hide in the prescence of others. that's how it is for me. So I pretend a lot. and I can get so wrapped up in pretending, that it's hard to come back down to reality a lot of times. especially when I am dragged down by depression.

I get paranoid and can be slightly delusional too...

[Seaswept]

Molly it sounds like a stressful job. Is there any way you could cut down some of the responsibilites of your job, when you go back, so you could finish the phd?

[Seaswept]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

it's hard not to feel like an outcast when it always feels like there is something wrong, something to hide in the prescence of others. that's how it is for me. So I pretend a lot. and I can get so wrapped up in pretending, that it's hard to come back down to reality a lot of times. especially when I am dragged down by depression.

"They" say fake it til ya make it but then when are you really your true self? I feel like I don't even know myself sometimes.

This illness screwed me up at a young age.... 16 then I got better and married young and had babies so never really got a chance to live for myself and really find out who I am. If that make sense.

My onset was around the age of 14. In all of my experience, I have never found that there was even a hint of a true self until I started taking meds.

[Mollywisk]

Originally Posted by Seaswept

Molly it sounds like a stressful job. Is there any way you could cut down some of the responsibilites of your job, when you go back, so you could finish the phd?

Great idea, but no. They don't accommodate. Interestingly, they are a LARGE national healthcare company. Thanks for the idea, though.