Been Here?

Hey Everyone. First time on this board, so:
38 year old/male
diagnosed ~4 years ago bipolar 2, addiction, and some of the usual "extras" that come with it all.
1,200MG Lithium
30MG Remeron
There are several other scripts they want me to take, but either it's a cost thing or I don't want to be pilled-out

So, this post is like a vent/feedback thing.

Obviously, things are always up and down, but the past few weeks are really kicking my butt. I'm freaking drowning here and I can't find the surface to even begin to swim towards. I'll try to keep it short . .

-I've been having daily mild hallucinations and sporadic auditory
-I can't stop sleeping. I mean, have you ever slept until it literally hurt, and then kept going? I know that's a symptom of depression, but I really don't feel depressed, and I've had tons of experience.
-I feel like I'm in a constant haze, like there are sections of my mind missing. I don't really feel all here, mentally and physically. Like some of me is here and some of me . . . well, somewhere else, or gone. I don't know.
-I think from the hypo, sometimes I feel like something else altogether. You know, something not human. Like a god, or devil.
-I'm so tired of all of this that I'm losing energy to deal and I feel like I'm getting swallowed by darkness, and no one else can see this. I'm so frustrated that I'm thinking I need to just lose it completely for a while so others can see that it's real, so I can believe it's real and because I'm done with treading the line by myself.
-I've fought constantly to barely keep my job the past 4 years. I feel like every day, is going to be the last. And that's legit, and exhausting.
-I'm 3 weeks sober (again), and man, this really sucks. I'm not feeling aftershocks from lack of chemicals, I just have nowhere to run and I'm not going to do this for a whole lot longer before I reach for something. Not if it's going to stay like this.

That's it then. Thanks for reading! If you have feedback, great, if not, that's cool too. I think, I just really don't have anyone to talk to about this crap for a long time now (since it crushed my last relationship a few years ago) and I'm hoping this will help. I'm just confused, solo and tired, you know?

I feel like I should end with a joke or something. That was a big blob of ****.

Later

Welcome. Sounds like you are struggling, I can relate to some of what you have written. I have no advice but know that you are not alone. I'm new here too and so far this forum has been wonderful and welcoming and I have learned some things. I hope you can have a similar experience.

Thanks. I'm not necessarily looking for answers. I know they rarely come with this stuff, but the support helps a lot. I live by myself in a small place and when everything hits at once, the walls close in quick, so it's great to get even one reply.

Thanks for your help, and good luck to you . . .

Being newly clean/sober sucks no matter what...have your symptoms gotten worse since your abstinence began? It read like you attributed feeling like god/devil as "hypo". In my experience those kind of thoughts only came with full blown mania, psychosis. It sounds like you might want to check in with your doc ASAP.
Welcome and I hope you find some support here!
Heidi

Thanks for the reply, Heidi. Yeah, clean and sober is tough, but for some reason it seemed to come easily this time. As if seriously by some divine intervention. I'd been trying for a couple years to quit this stuff and, just, bam, I didn't crave it. Obviously, I'm skepticle and untrusting about the whole thing, the cravings are bound to happen. But I'll try to get positive.

When I quit this in the past, I definitely went into psychosis each time. Usually a few days after and for only one crazy night and a couple day "hangover". Absolutely psychosis. This time, I was waiting for it and nothing happened. It's been a few weeks and still no full blown episode. Maybe it's just happening, but differently this time? Slower, and drawn-out?

I feel fine right now, but 10 minutes ago I was feeling the usual bugs crawling on my feet or wherever, but with nothing there. I'm frustrated because it seems none of what's going on with me is big enough to cause any serious alarm, but it's just beating the hell out of me as a whole. I think most of us are always so close to losing everything financially and see our lives truly fall apart, and I'm tired of seeing that in my near future.

Anyway, thanks again, and I will be seing the doc again soon, though I know it's just going to be scripts for more bottles I can't afford. Who knows, maybe something positive will happen . . .

Jason

It's like being in a pool with a glass cover. So frustrating. I wish you the best.