Bipolar and cognitive issues?

Hi all,

I have been dating my bipolar partner for over a year now. We were friends for a year before dating. We were together when he was diagnosed. He takes 100mg Seroquel (instant release) every night and half a 50mg pill as needed. I have done a lot of reading, but I haven't explored the relationship between bipolar and cognition in detail; cognitive processes seem to be mentioned in passing.

A recurring issue, which I have noticed seems to be getting worse with time, is that he forgets everything. At first I thought he was forgetting because he wasn't listening when we would talk, but it seems as though he genuinely forgets. He forgets things I've said to him and things I've told him. The other day I told him I knew the time of his upcoming doctor's appointment and he said, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!" because he told me..................................................It's extremely frustrating because I have to start all over in arguments as if we've never talked about something before. As if it's just brand new information that fell out of the sky. I feel like I am with a teenager.

We are currently dealing with an instance of lying. Bipolar may have nothing to do with this and we likely have poor communication strategies, but a few things have made me wonder about the connection between bipolar and cognitive issues. A girl from the past recently texted him telling him she was in town. Thanks to public posts on Facebook, I found out without him telling me. I was confused because he has told me over and over that he has had zero interaction with her. Why would she text him like that if they had no connections to each other? Do we randomly text people to let them know we are in town if we haven't spoken in years...? This matters to me because we entered our relationship with an understanding that I did not accept connections to exes. It is a preference--I do not try to control him and this is the first time anything like this has happened. He told me he felt the same way and it seemed his boundaries/standards/visions seem to mesh with mine.

I asked him if she tried to see him while she was here. This girl, Visitor, is particularly important because he experienced mania winter 2011 before we were together. He had been dating a girl for 3-4mos and flew her across the country to visit him around Thanksgiving. After her visit, he began talking to Visitor online for hours, while still dating the other girl. Two weeks after the girlfriend visited, he broke up with her. She was devastated because she had been planning to move across the country to live with him. Two weeks after that he went back home for the holidays and had a rendezvous with Visitor. We were friends and he told me how wonderful she was, how in love with her he was, how he had always liked her, etc. When we got back from winter break, he told me it didn't work out and how she ended it and was mad when he didn't feel bad about it.

Now back to the present. I asked if she tried to see him. He looked me in the eye and told me no. He told me she knew he had a girlfriend. My gut kept telling me something was not right. I got back on Facebook and I saw they had actually kept in touch throughout the year with little notes. I was angry. We fought all weekend and I explained to him that he lied to me and misled me--he told me ZERO interaction. He did not understand how he could have lied or misled me, he was genuinely confused as to what he did.

I was so angry that I asked her about the extent of their friendship. I did so nicely of course. She sent me this long message telling me how they were friends for a while, how they've only had the occasional text or facebook message, how she was hoping to see him when she was here, etc. He told me she would text him every few months and he would ignore the texts. He told me they never communicated on facebook. He told me she did not try to see him. When I asked him AGAIN, he said "well she texted me saying she was hoping we'd see each other. That's not her TRYING to see me. I didn't lie." Are we not speaking the same language? Please tell me if I am the one with the misunderstanding y'all.

In addition to believing he did not lie/strategically omit/mislead me, he also has trouble recognizing when we are having a conversation. Sometimes we will text when both of us are at home doing nothing and it will be about something important. He'll randomly stop responding and I'll call and say "hey I thought we were having a conversation." His response: "We were? I didn't know what to say." He also has this issue with emails from his students...if they do not ask a question or explicitly ask for a response, he just won't respond and say that they weren't asking for a response.

He told me he didn't tell me she said she wanted to see him because he wanted to avoid it. And I said, did you feel remorse at least for lying to me? He keeps saying he did not lie. Look I don't know what to call it, but he omitted information/knowingly deceived me to fulfill his end.

He forgets things and doesn't seem to recognize certain things. When we argue, he'll pick on one minute thing, like a particular word or how I arranged a sentence, instead of focusing on the main point. I feel hurt and confused. I love him for him, illness and all, and another major fight we are having is about him receiving more robust treatment. I will not leave him for this but I am willing to step off until he is stable. I don't want to have to do that. He is under-dosed and continues to have mood swings. He'll be madly in love with me and extremely sexual for 3 weeks and then he won't be able to stand me for a week or he'll be depressed for weeks. He has definitely improved since starting medication and making lifestyle changes with a regular sleep schedule and regular meals, but he isn't fully stabilized yet.

What do you guys think?

Sounds like you guys are having a difficult time but you are on the right track with a sleep schedule and meds.

I can relate to the cognative problems. I have a terrible memory, I forget important things and need to put alarms and reminders in my phone constantly. Some days I will forget to eat, or even forget to go to bed. I find seroquel makes my memory worse. It is so bad on seroquel that I rarely take it and avoid it if possible.

I hope you can work together to get him stable. Goodluck.

I can't say that my bipolar has ever interrupted my cognitive abilities. I haven't had these issues. Only time I think it did affect me was when I was at work and the tediousness and stress of the job finally got to me.

I don't know what his issue really is, but the better sleep and eating habits will definitely help the bipolar. As for the lying aspect that's strictly him and it really has nothing to do with the bipolar.

Does he have a therapist? Sometimes the pills aren't the only answer. Talk therapy works wonders. You two should look into it if your budget allows.

Good luck.

To be honest, lately, my memory is shot. It seems to be getting worse. However, I think it's the meds, and a medical issue that I'm also dealing w/.

I do wish the OP the best.

The forgetfulness is probably not directly related to bipolar. All of the atypical antipsychotics (Seroquel is one) can cause short term memory issues.

As for the lying, it's not likely that it is a direct symptom of bipolar. However, almost all bipolar people lie when they are manic in order to cover their trail. And by manic, I don't mean hypomanic. I mean full on, all ahead flank, 500 MPH straight toward the wall mania. It doesn't sound like he is there, so I agree with PlatinumHeart. It's not bipolar. It's just part of his personality.

I have problems with memory too, but it may be just a side effect of my meds. Without my smart phone I'd be lost.

As far as your relationship goes, I always say, go with your gut. You know best.

I think you are dealing with two different issues. One is the cognitive issue, short term memory problems and those are real, part of the bipolar itself and a result of the medication, AP's aren't the only culprits for that though. I've been looking into this just this past week because I feel like my memory and other executive functions are getting worse. The bad thing about short term (working memory) problems is that information doesn't get into the long term memory at all. So, he's not making this problem up at all. LISTS and lists for my lists, a date planner, everything in writing is what helps me. I can't even keep up with my phone so, for me technology isn't a help.

Now, the other issue. He sounds manic, maybe not full blown psychotic manic but just enough to think its ok to have you around while sneaking on the net with the visitor and thinking to himself that its ok because he's not REALLY cheating if its just a chat. I was that other woman on the net with a young man who was living with a young woman who he declared he was madly in love with...only he declared he was madly in love with me too. BUT... we were both undiagnosed mentally ill people at the time, this situation is how I got my diagnosis of bipolar 1, when eventually I bought a $1000 plane ticket to see him in England. This situation is how he got his diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. The situation though was the same, we lied to our significant others about our friendship, about how much contact we had with one another. Thank goodness I got caught before I was able to leave the country.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound stable, he sounds like he is doing things he kind of knows he shouldn't but bipolar mania doesn't really care about shouldn't, if it feels good do it is its mantra, so he's trying to cover his tracks. And lying to do so.

You have to decide what you can take in this relationship and what is your breaking point. Bipolar disorder can be managed but the person has to be in a place to see that he needs help. Manic people feeling good don't usually see the need and you may not be able to get him to see it. That's normal too for bipolar folks, the lack of insight, the inability to see that you are sick. I didn't know I was sick, it took 8 months for the real crazy to finally show up and get people to take notice and it wasn't mania, it was the crash into depression that followed it that got me my diagnosis.

I hope I was able to help some. I at least recognized the scenario you described and the young man I was in love with over the net really was a very sick man who eventually got help just as I did. We both turned out ok for the most part, a little older, wiser and much more medicated.

Yes, you have separate problems with your significant other, and of the two I think the fact that he doesn't see "lying" the way most of us do---the way you do---is your biggest problem. You can be bipolar and not be a liar, and not all liars are bipolar.

But there is definitely a connection between bipolarity and cognitive issues. Meds can also contribute to the dysfunction.

I used to be very bright and had a great memory for details. But as my BP has worsened, so has my memory, and I take two meds that can really futz with cognition as well. Only recently have I come to realize that my nursing career is basically over because I can't remember stuff, focus on a task for more than a few minutes at a time, or avoid getting distracted by the tiniest of things. My executive function essentially doesn't---I also pop off with inappropriate statements at the worst of times, and have the nerve to be surprised when everybody else is staring at me like I just sprouted three heads.

This is HARD for someone who always prided herself on being an intellectual. But that's gone and it ain't coming back, so I have to adapt my strategies to my new reality and get on with life. Your SO will have to do the same thing, and to some extension you will too if you stay with him. But again, his untruthfulness and his perspective on it are a little scary, and FWIW it's got nothing to do with his bipolar. Best of luck.

BipolaRNurse, thank you for your message. I know that not all people who have bipolar disorder lie. I have spent the last year reading about the illness and his medication. My concern was that the lying was connected to slipping into mania again, since this is the girl he had a fling with when he experienced mania.

Thank you all for the responses.

I don't think I can handle this anymore. It has been a hard relationship. He took me with him to see a new doctor and the new doctor diagnosed him with Cyclothymia with narcissistic traits. The previous doctor had diagnosed him as 'leaning more toward' Bipolar II with rapid cycling. The new doctor has kept him on 100mg Seroquel and started him on 25mg Lamictal. I really do care about him but he affects my well-being. I don't like feeling unsure about how he feels about me. I don't like being insulted any time I express my feelings honestly and calmly. Whenever he doesn't like what I am saying, he just starts personally insulting me. I just can't be around him anymore.