Looking for some more info

So I've posted on here before, a long time ago, when I was struggling with something that I thought was bipolar. I still haven't been to a shrink or anything but I'm just looking for advice from anyone that doesn't take meds on how they deal with bipolar. I'm still not sure that I am, it hasn't interfered too seriously in my life yet, but I strongly suspect it... And I don't mean to downplay it, as I've read some posts on here about the horrors of a manic episode and I empathize greatly with the poor people on here that have had these terrible things happen to them.

That said, I feel like I've been in some weird mixed mood state and it's confusing the hell out of me. I've been obsessing very seriously over things lately, in particular quantum physics and cooking. I know it's weird. But I read a book by Albert Einstein and I started learning about very very complex math to try to prove a theory about the fifth dimension, at which point I started to wonder if I might be able to go to school for a PhD in physics and math that would allow me to get the Nobel Prize that I deserve for my discovery in quantum physics. This thought process led to me realizing things might not be so great in my mental state. But then I end up staying up until 6 in the morning (I work nights, so I don't have to work until 3), at which point I finally calm down or get tired enough to sleep. Then when I wake up it's like the excitement of the past night has dissipated some days and life just doesn't have that shine tonight, and I realize I'm a stupid idiot and I'll never be able to do something exceptional. This same process has been going on for several days.

Another extremely embarrassing thing that probably bears mentioning is that I have had an extremely hyperactive sex drive, and I've been paying for stupid webcam shows... Please no judgement for this. I hate myself later after I realize what I did but at the time I need immediate gratification. There's some sort of grandiose idea going on in all that as well, in which I think that this girl I'm paying $50 to wants me because I'm so amazing. I had to call the bank because they flagged my cards for fraudulent charges and the girl on the phone told me there was a charge for "Steamraycams.com" for $50, and I had to tell her that it was my charge... rather humiliating.

I know I should see a psych doc but I'm not going to, still in the military and about to get out... I don't need that headache. I have yet to do anything that impacts my work life or much of my life with friends other than secluding myself in my house and head at times like this. So it shouldn't be too bad. I guess what I really want to know is, how do I break this current cycle I'm in?

I went undiagnosed and unmedicated for over a decade while I suspected that I had bipolar. The hypomanias are mild enough for me to manage and enjoy so I decided to not bother getting anything done that would stop them. When I finally decided that I need meds for right now... I still didn't disclose the suspicions until the anti-depressant I was given put me immediately into a rather annoyingly long hypomanic state!

I know what my own temptations are for risky behaviour. So I set up rules and guidelines for myself. I follow them pretty well. Not always mind you, I have days where I go "That rule is stupid!" and ignore it. But a lot of the time I go "Oh... yeah... ok. Well I really really really want to do this, but I guess there's a reason why I shouldn't. FINE." and listen to myself.

But I'm fairly self-disciplined even when I'm at my worst, so this works fairly well for me.

Like, if I want to make a large purchase? Like an extremely large purchase? I have to wait a while on it. I don't buy big things on impulse (of course, I might still walk home from WalMart having spent $100 on dvds because they were a good price and then have STILL not watched any of them five months later....)... but at least the really large impulses, like "Hey, I want to get a sewing machine and learn how to make clothes!"... yeah, I resist that one. ((I fully believe whenever I own a house however, that I WILL get one!))

It's just a matter of knowing your weak areas, and deciding what will work best for you to manage them. If you're a big spender.... give your credit cards to someone that you trust when you notice you're in an up state. Or completely get rid of them and then you can't easily make purchases online.

I tend to find that I also will obsess over a topic - I limit myself to reading about htem online, because then I'm not spending my money. And I have to ensure that I do at least the necessary chores each day (dishes, keep the cat fed, shower, take out garbage and kitty litter when needed, eat supper, etc). because if not I will read obsessively until I decide it's time for bed.

I'll try, I'm medicated but as lightly as possible. try a really light does of melitonin to take the edge off, Valerian Root has helped
Right now put parental controls on high if you don't want to get to those sites.
On any big life decisions we have a 6 month rule, you have to wait 6 months and if you still feel like that in 6 months you can do it.

Rules, rules, rules- I'm fairly good at sticking to them because of ocd
Damage control- when I'm stable I MM proof my life: I have no credit cards, I have a pre-paid card that gives me an allowance, (weekly automatic withdraw from regular account), automatic withdraw for bills, paper plates, my cloths are hung in outfits, ect.

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'm scared a bit of hearing about people's manic episodes, when I really think about it I do believe now I've had one. When I first went to college I failed out, I was doing great at first and then I was having so much fun I decided my classes were dumb and I'd go if I had time, lots of drug use, broke up with a long term girlfriend because she was trying to tell me I needed to take it seriously, and cut off all communications with friends and family back home that tried to talk to me about what I was doing. I'm going to be getting out of the navy and going back to school in a couple months, so I think I'm a bit nervous about it - I have a great plan to major in IT, I love computers and I've worked in the field, but when I get in these moods I worry I would be ready to give it all up and switch my major to physics, or drop out and go to culinary school, or something and these are all temporary obsessions.

I'll try setting some boundaries. I like your idea of having two bank accounts and sending a weekly allowance to the one with a prepaid card. And I guess it might be a good idea to see a doctor if I find myself slipping back into that when I'm going back to school? Do they actually help?

It sounds to me that you're trying to figure out who you are and what you want to do. A bit frantically, sometimes impulsively, but a search, nonetheless, for these things. Some people lead what might be considered more 'conventional' lives, settling down, marrying early, staying in the same job for a long time --others search and search, try out different things, figuring out what is the best fit, both in relationships and career and other things.

I would be careful about using pathologizing words such as 'obsession' (maybe they are different, but ultimately passing interests). You say you're very anxious about going back to school -this could be one reason why you're considering other career paths that wouldn't require you to do so.

"Hyper"-sexual? Tons of people go on line for sexual gratification. I really don't think this necessarily means your desire for sex is disordered/pathological.

Drug use can make people pretty impulsive and lead to distorted thinking.

Of course I don't know if you have some sort of disorder or not, but everything you're describing sounds a bit chaotic, but like someone searching -for their identity, for what's a best fit for them. Also anxiety about life's many choices, in terms of relationships and career.

Maybe a good first step would be to see a therapist to explore what you're going through; your life is in flux, you're faced with a lot of big choices/decisions. This may prove to be very helpful. As far as pdocs, to take medications (and this is what they do, prescribe), especially heavy duty ones, when what is going on is not wrecking yourself or your life... They can have such serious short and long-term side effects. Therapy doesn't, it's a good starting point.

I'm DoD employee, though not active duty, so I am able to observe how military lifestyles are and understand a little bit about why you're hesitant to see a doctor. One person mentioned what I was going to say though... start with therapy first, especially if you're still trying to figure a lot of things out. Depending on where you live, you can find a civilian therapist who could work with you financially if you'd rather pay out of pocket rather than letting the Navy cover for it. They're not allowed to disclose information anyway, whether military or civilian, unless you say something about hurting yourself or other people. So you'll still get your privacy no matter what. I went to a therapist to figure out what was going on with me (I initially thought I was ADHD or something, but met Bipolar instead O_O). Not to say that you'll get the diagnosis, but definitely mention to them what you've been suspecting. Therapy can be a smaller, safer step than going straight to a psychiatrist. At least you'll get clearer ideas on what you can do next.

For the symptoms you've been displaying, it would definitely help to put some limits on yourself, especially if you feel humiliated by your actions after they have occurred. I'm very lucky in that I've always had good personal boundaries. No matter what mood I'm in, and what cravings I've been having, I have this voice that always reminds me of possible consequences if I don't watch myself. Some soul-searching is definitely beneficial for everybody. What is it about cooking and physics that gets you all uppidy sometimes? Maybe you're just genuinely interested in them, and if so, perhaps you can let yourself indulge in them on the side and pick them up as hobbies.

I'm a bit hyped up on caffeine at the moment so I hope I'm making sense. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors!

I definitely should clarify that I DO NOT want drugs. I feel that these things are parts of me, and as long as I stay like I am now it's all manageable. I guess I used the wrong term, when I said pdoc I really meant a therapist, I'm scared to talk to one while in the navy but I thought it might help as I transition to talk to someone that sees people with these problems regularly that had some ideas on how to keep it in check. I'm a bit scared, I must admit, of the concept of turning manic, I'm doing so good right now I really don't want to wreck my life again.

I also have a difficult time discerning things as actual or passing interests when I'm in a hyped up mood. It's just like... my mind goes so fast I have to lock on to something, so whatever catches my interest at the time and I suddenly feel that I am the best in the entire world at that thing - even if I know little to nothing about it. I throw myself into it entirely, forgetting to sleep, eat, ignore my phone and so on. I can't tell you exactly what I'm thinking, it's a bit hazy looking back. It's only these times that concern me, at times I'll sink into depression but I don't have serious suicidal thoughts it just gets me down for a while. Definitely manageable. I guess realistically I just need to come up with a system to keep it in check, because I don't feel that these things are negatives. I don't want to be like other people. I like being different, I feel that all of this makes me who I am. I just want a system of checks in place to keep me from crossing that line. And thankfully that's what all of you are giving me, so thanks! I really do appreciate the advice from people that understand where I'm coming from.

It makes me happy you said that, that you think these things are just a part of which makes you who you are. Because I feel the same. For awhile, I thought it was just such a normal thing for me to act weird sometimes, it's only when some relationships became strained/ended (and when the restlessness and depression got too hard to handle) that I realized I probably needed help, though I didn't know to what extent. But it's important to already have such an acceptance of yourself now. Some people have hated themselves because they feel like they're broken, and it only makes things worse for them. What helped me with the fear about therapy/mental health and everything in between is doing a lot of research. Perhaps looking into the best therapy options gor a person in your situation could help ease the nervousness? 'Cause I think you'll greatly benefit from therapy. I've found some tools tailored only for me from seeing a therapist for only a few months. For now while you're still deciding, research and writing reminders, thoughts, buying a bunch
of post-its and having a giant white-board calendar is what helps me. I looked into what my triggers are (caffeine can get me hypomanic, for example) and having a regimen (like exercise) to add in more stability helps a lot too. Once again, good luck!

I went for about 37 years before I started feeling something amiss but at first it was adhd symptoms. All the ups and downs were just part of living or so I thought. It never occurred to me to see a dr back then. My illness did not show full blown until I was 43 and subsequently diagnosed. There were no obvious signs prior to that year it sort of just showed up and stuck around.

Yeah, I feel like people are often to quick to classify some things as disorders or problems because it makes them different from other people, and that's often viewed as bad. There's definitely a point when it becomes a very serious problem. And I realize that serious bipolar can be a horrible thing, but I've always been open minded and do my best to be optimistic about things when I can. I definitely wouldn't want my mood to drastically effect my life in a disastrous way, which is what I'm trying to avoid here. But I can't imagine what life would be like if my emotions were mostly rational, sometimes I'm just very sad or extremely energetic, sometimes I can't even tell and I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin from the stress of it all... but it's just me.