[wadingthruemotions]

In case anything triggers anyone for any reason I will go ahead and use that just in case.

My first post in a while. I have had major ups and downs recently, mostly downs. That led me to thinking about my life to the point I am at today, but in a more whole perspective of bipolar, on and off meds, which I have not really done before.

I looked at the situations I have been in, good and bad, mostly bad, or rather immoral and bad, a mix of both.

And it all comes back to the cycles of my life, the crap it is and the feelings I have now which I have had before, oh so many times...so if it is this way, has been this way, that leads me to believe it will always be this way.

I don't have wonderful happy times like other people do. I have happy moments. I have major sad times that last far too long. I have crazy times where I know what I am doing is wrong, I see how I get to the places I am knowing how I got there but seems that I don't give a rat's ***** so I do it anyway.

So if that is the case, then why continue to put up with this crap? I mean honestly. This is a real discussion piece. I mean wouldn't anyone that was thinking as clearly as they could plan their exit strategy if this just went on for the rest of their life and they just didn't want it anymore? Isn't that the right of the individual person? Don't we have free will?

[A Red Panda]

The way I see it.... I can't predict the future.

Well. I can predict it all I want. But I can't KNOW the future. So even though I can predict all I want that my life is going to go no where and be horrible... I can't know it. I'm not in the future yet.

So I cling on to that little bit of hope. And I cling on to even more curiousity (what can I say, I can be a bit morbid and I am curious to see if I end up having a terrible time or a good time of things... this is hard to explain!). But even more than both of those... I'm stubborn. And I decided that I wanted to win and not all the things in life that make me feel like being dead.

So even when I'm miserable, I am going to keep on living and my depression and my past and my anxieties and all that can STUFF IT. lol.

I know it feels like there is no way out. Life has this ebb and flow, there are bad patches and good patches. There was a time I felt the same as you but now I am in a good patch and extremely glad I didnt do anything drastic cos this good patch is definitely worth living.

[Victoria'smom]

The word immoral screams guilt all over it. You really need to re-evaluate how you view your episodes.

then why continue to put up with this crap? Everyone has issues whether BP or not. We need more help but we can actually live a better life then people without as many struggle is we work towards stabilization, whether it be therapy, coping mechanisms, and/or medication. BP gives us far more ability to learn about ourselves then most people.
thinking as clearly I don't feel anyone that is contemplating suicide is acually thinking clearly.
they just didn't want it anymore? I view it as a low level of depression.
Isn't that the right of the individual person? Now this is where it gets complicated. No matter what the reason I feel people can choose when their life ends. It crumbles the community, family and friends completely for years. The worse part of that option is if it fails. The person may become severely disabled leaving their family or community to deal with the persons care. Usually a severely disabled person would not be capible of taking their own life leaving them in worse condition then originally.
Don't we have free will? Yes, we do but given the above answer I think that option needs years of thought, planing, and therapy.

[wadingthruemotions]

Yes I do agree that immoral speaks to guilt. I do have some resounding guilt over a few things I've done. For the most part I've made up for them. I've done what I could anyway.

Yep everyone has issues. I realize that. I'm tired of having them, fighting mine, inner demons. Its a never ending fight.

I get what your saying. I'm not saying I'm doing or taking action. I just want to talk about this like I said. I'm just all over sometimes. Its getting harder to force myself out of bed day after day even with reasons at times.

[gayleggg]

wadingthruemotions, I too, have been having these thoughts and don't what to deal with it anymore. I'm tired of trying and trying and getting no results. I'm on yet another drug that justs leaves sleepy and tired. I guess the idea it that if I enough of a zombie I want care if I'm depressed or not. So I think about dying and I even make plans, but I'm afraid of messing it up and winding up like Miguel's Mom said in worse shape than I was before. So I look a suicide like rolling the dice there is still no guarantee of death. So I'm not sure if it really gives us free will or not.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry if I implied you planed to commit suicide I didn't mean it. This is a subject that I think a lot about currently. As a wife and a mother I would not want my husband or son to choose this option but I do feel it is an option. The real question is when do we (society) stop intervening? We allow people to choose to get treatment or not but allowing someone to stay in such pain is just cruel. However the severe pain cause to many may be worse then the pain caused to one. So the main issue is who decides what will cause the least amount of pain society or the individual?

[Dylanzmama]

Quote by Albert Camus: The only serious question in life is whether to...
Albert Camus," the only serious question in life is whether or not to kill yourself." I don't think entertaining the question is necessarily indicative of an unsound mind...but I had 2 grandparents that committed suicide. I've also had a woman that was like a grandmother to me decide she was done...and stopped the meds that were keeping her alive. I can't judge their decisions, I've had to forgive them, even though their suicides were so painful to my family. I don't want to see anyone kill themselves...that's NOT what I'm saying. I'm just saying that asking the question and being honest about thinking about it should be okay...

I know what you mean. Probably all of us here do. I know how you feel. I REALLY know. Also ask will I always cope one way or another and get through these s***y days? You have done so so far. Maybe you"ll get to where i am at 66 where i just don't F*****g CARE how bad I feel though if you find something better, let me know.