[Speed3]

About 1 1/2 hours ago I took 30 mg of Ativan. This might seem like a lot but I have been taking 12 mg daily for a couple of years.

I just wanted to feel numb and stop having flashbacks and easy the overwhelming pain I feel.

So far I don't feel a thing. So I took 50 mg of Benadryl. Still nothing.

I have 8 more mg if Ativan but I don't think they will help me in my quest for numbness.

Now that I am writing this is seems stupid. What can anyone say. I don't want pity, I don't know what I want.

I know it will probably never feel better. I have been talking to a lot of mothers that lost their child to overdose 4 and 5 and 10 years ago. They all say it never gets better !

[kaliope]

speed3i understand you are hurting and want to escape, but be careful about taking so much medication. take care of yourself.

[A Red Panda]

Speed... just keep reminding yourself how sad Jason would be to see how much you're hurting yourself. Try to do the things that he'd be happy and proud of.

And I totally understand how you are feeling about feeling stupid for taking the meds and how you're not wanting pity - that was totally me the other day.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low Why don't you try going for a run and run until you're exhausted? That might make ya feel a bit numb.

But not today. Don't do that with all the meds in you.

[Speed3]

Mourning

I will mourn with other mothers
Our candles raised in the dark night
Hoping beyond hope that our light

Will somehow bring you home
Knowing we only have each other
But in our hearts we are so alone

I know now my life changed forever
Will always be waves of pain and sorrow
Changing seasons filled with nevers and
All your lost tomorrow's

Beautiful Boy I'll always ask why you had to go
I hold my candle every night
Forever hoping that it's light

Will bring me to you
Where once again I'll hold you tight


Jason I love you beyond words, there are no words to describe this pain

[Speed3]

I quess I should take seroquel and go to bed.

[jesusplay]

how are you still conscious?

[Speed3]

High tolerance to Ativan. I took 90 mg once and nothing happened. I went to the ER and ended up In ICU for observation. But I never loss consciousness or got sleepy.

[Speed3]

I told my therapist yesterday that I have been taking more meds than I should, Over the last week.

Her reply was you might die. I said I know. End of discussion.

I do wonder what will happen when I add Seroquel to the mix. But not enough to stop taking it.

Im so sorry you are hurting so much Does the seroquel sedate you or knock you out? I know when I feel really bad its better to use than ativan. And if I take too much I just fall asleep for a fair few hours.

[BipolaRNurse]

Aw, Speed......your situation makes me ashamed of what I did the other night to deal with something messed-up that my sister did to me. I blew almost 22 years of sobriety by overdosing on Ativan to get to that "numb" feeling you described. No, I didn't take a drink, but taking too many pills for the same reason is just as bad. I wasn't trying to hurt myself, I only wanted to be stoned and disengaged so I didn't have to feel.

Then I see what you're going through, and I realize how ridiculous my actions were. Please don't overmedicate yourself anymore, Speed---you deserve better, but you won't ever find it if you don't stay around long enough to get some healing time in. Please stay with us. I know we're not much, but we do care about you and are holding you in our thoughts (and prayers, for those who are so inclined).

[BlueInanna]

There's nothing to say to take the pain away... I imagine they are right that it doesn't get better. There is no loss worse than losing your child - a parent when you are young - and you had that too. It is not fair, and I'm so sad and sorry what you've been through and are going through.

Please attempt to get better though, all these extra meds could really bog down your system, and zap your energy. Also, I'm always warned how benzo's can actually make you more depressed...

I wish we could give you real hugs.