[CrookedSmile]

I smile a lot when I should be sad... hiding my true sadness to the point I am happy that I am sad because its the only time I see myself actually smiling... sometimes I am so sad to the point I laugh seeing myself in tears...I just look into the mirror and see my sad pathetic self and instantly want to carve a never ending grin on my face...one day I will...most days I am just so easily irritated the smallest thing can set me off like a big explosion...from a fly on my face to just seeing two people holding hands at a park...I have days were my self hatred puts me down and theres other days I point out that hate outward... at times I am torn between suicide homicide or just running away. My sad side thinks itll all be better when im gone for good, my angry side says continuous murder/homicide will relieve all of the stress I have and my happy side thinks I will be extremely happy if I was just alone...so am I bi polar or am I just depressed??? I don't know that's why I am asking.

[gayleggg]

I'm not a professional so I can't diagnose you, but you do sound very depressed. I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist to get an assessment. That would be the only way to get a real diagnosis. Hope you have better days.

[kaliope]

im not hearing very much about mania in your description. I agree with gayle. a professional assessment is your best bet.

[Lillyleaf]

You sound a bit more depressed? It depends because mental illness is all foggy. Anxiety to anger to depression to irritability to inability to focus and insomnia and so on

I agree with above comments. Do talk to a professional It would be very helpful I think.

Best,

Lilly

[ultramar]

It sounds like you don't feel like you can be yourself with others, sometimes, especially when sad. And I'm hearing a lot of self-loathing in your words. Are you in therapy? This could potentially help, also with triggers for anger/irritability.

[CrookedSmile]

To Lillyleaf I do have those moments when I cant focus on anything and I have moments (mostly at night) when I am incredibly focused and I cant sleep with all these thoughts coming at me...most of the time I tend to sleep in the afternoon when everyone is home so I don't bother them...
To everyone, I tried to talk to a professional but after one visit my parents said it was a strain on their wallets and time...and the last thing im tryna be is a burden or something just messing up everything just because it helps me...
Ultramar: I am not in therapy and if you hear a lot of self loathing in my words its because I hate the fact I don't know who I am...and the only way to know who I am is to see what each individual person wants me to be and be that person just for them for who I am I can never really truly make someone happy I have to be someone else...its not a lie its just how it is.