A little help here (hoping)

Some days I wish I could just tell everyone that no, I am not ok. I gt tired of fieldin the question at work. Mostly they seem to think the job is getting to me. That the students' outlandish behavior has me so tired I'm ready to quit. This is true, but they can't understand that there is more to it. I just wish I could break down and tell them yes, everything is overwhelming right now, but MORESO because of the severe depression I am in. Who can understand that? No one who does not suffer from mental health issues. And society has forced me to keep silent. I want to tell my boss you know what, I can't take classes right now. I am too depressed. No I can't change my objectives. I am too depressed. I can't bring this student more work for ISS. I can't put up my standards every day. I can't write those weekly reports. I just can't.

But I have to do all this obviously. It's my job. If I can't do it, I should quit my job. I wish I could just call out for a couple weeks with no pay penalty to recover from this monster. I know there is temporary disability but it won't pay my full pay and we can barely afford everything as is.

Mostly I wish I could cry. I wish I could scream. I wish I could throw things and flip desks and knock **** over like my students do. But I have more self control thank god. When I get like this I fantasize about having a big breakdown. But all the scenarios I my mind right now end with me being disgraced and fired, so it is not even a source of comfort like it used to be. I have to find a new job but I am afraid that I would be a terrible teacher anywhere else. I feel like I am now, I'm just holding my head above water until someone notices and takes my life vest.

If this past year has taught me anything it is that I need to ask for help before things get out of hand. Sometimes that help is not always attainable. For example, in my last program I effectively begged for help because I was experiencing psychosis and I was flatly denied. They said I had already seen the doctor too much. My husband ended up demanding hospitalization (rightly). I did not out on a happy face in the hospital. I let the truth be known. And I ended up finding meds that worked. But each time before that I tried to muddle through depression until I hurt myself. This time, I was honest with my IOP. I was supposed to be discharged today but they are going to argue with my insurance company to have me stay longer. And I am happy that maybe the med increase will work. I refused to try any ADs because none have ever worked for me, and the last three times I've tried have culminated in terrible manic/mixed episodes, complete with psychosis. So I am hoping the higher MS will do the trick.

It's BS that we keep having to play his game though. All of us. I want to give up. I want to just let it take me under.

And I wish I wasn't so alone.

All AD's throw me into a mania with the exception of celexa and viibryd. I really suggust viibryd because it also has AP qualities.

sorry you are feeling so bad.

the only ADs that have ever worked for me are Emsam (an MAOI) and Prozac.

Good luck *hugs*

Hi Wildflowerchild,
I have been in the exact same place with trying to teach while battling quick cycling as my meds were being adjusted-pretty much the entire school year two years ago. It was absolutely awful, and I feel lots of empathy for you.
Some little things I found that helped-first, I "developed" a bad case of allergies as I tried to control crying days. I teach fifth graders, so maybe it was easier to hide for me.
Also, I had an assistant who I confided in so she could help me through. I asked her to monitor me during meetings because when the mania hit, I was loud and talked fast! Mania was not pleasant for me-it was pressure, stress, and irritation.
During the school day, I tried to give all of my energies to teaching, and would spend most of my crying time in the car. My students were the only people I could give everything to because they were kids and I would never allow them to suffer because of me.
Having said all of this, I ended up using all of my sick days that year to make it until the end. After that, I resigned that position because even if I would be well soon, I knew that the atmosphere might set me off again.
I am in another school now, still teaching fifth grade. My moments are minor now with my med regiment, but I still occasionally need a mental, breathing break. I use the elevator, the only place where I can find peace! I will travel up and down several times just to get some me time and try to pull myself together. I try a really brief meditation, trying to push all out of my mind. It helps my breathing and helps me to calm down.
Try to find as many little tricks as possible that work for you. Don't think too far ahead, just make it to the next minute. Also, I occasionally write down the things that the students say/do that make me smile. It is all mind control for me-I won't let the messed up part of my thoughts win!
Good luck and many hugs!
Bluemountains

At 6:15 am I already feel like crying. But I'm telling myself it will be a better day. I won't just sit and wallow.

Thank you for your help blue. Though my kids are very difficult, they do have their moments. I go to the bathroom to chill out. I also think I am going to share with my social worker m. She is not into gossip and she will let me use her office when things get too much.

Here's to a better day.

Wildflower, you work with fairly troubled kids, right?

Do you think they would be up for trying some relaxation techniques? Tell them about how you think it would help them calm down... and let them know that you would enjoy it as a way to just have everyone, including yourself, relax and get their minds a bit more clear for the day. I've done that with my class a few times - led them through a few breathing exercises. But they're grade 4 and mostly a sweet group so they went along with it no problem.

If your group was up to that (and of course, they might not be, but you can still at least always try) then have a few minutes of breathing exercises when they come back into the room from being anywhere else. It might help you out a bit too.

Hey panda, my high schoolers have relaxation every Wednesday as part of group counseling. They are not down for it lol. Today I took a mental break and made everyone do a worksheet instead of reading our book. That seemed to help me out some. Also took some extra bathroom breaks so I could do breathing exercises in peace. I only cried once today so far. Better than nothing!

It is better than nothing!!!

Do they like games? like... board games? Do you think you could get a game afternoon or something set up? Where like... you teach them how to play checkers or something?

I am just getting on the computer now, Wildflower, and I wanted to check on you. I hope you are/were comfortable enough to talk to the social worker. It sounds like a good plan. At my current school, our school psychologist, counselor, and nurse have occasionally been there to support a member of the staff when there has been a tragedy in their lives.
I completely understand the use of the bathroom for peace-like my elevator! It is so impossible to find a quiet spot in a school. Even when I have planning in my classroom, I can usually expect another teacher or administrator to need me for something. We don't have anywhere or anytime to escape-it can be good sometimes to keep your mind occupied, but it's hard when there is no way out.
I hope you were able to get over your tears this morning and have a decent day. I also hope that this mood leaves soon!
I'm pulling for you!
Bluemountains