[wildflowerchild25]

Seriously. The depression has morphed into absolute rage. At EVERYTHING! I can't hold it in. I tried so hard at school so that I don't lose my job but I swear I had to walk away from students to avoid saying something I shouldn't. I kept picturing myself screaming and throwin things, kicking over chairs and desks. Then I imagined what it would be like to have the staff come in and restrain ME for a change. Then of course panic would well up and I had to remove myself from the situation. What's worse is that I can't even be around my family. My son touching me made me so upset it was all I could do to not smack his little hand away. I feel like a horrible mother and wife. I'm convinced everyone hates me and is talking about me behind my back. In fact I know they are. I know they are! Even my family...They all know how terrible I am inside. I've banished myself to my room for the night so I don't end up making things worse between me and my husband.

I feel like I need to drug myself with vistaril and klonopin until this passes. I just wish my mind could function. I wish I hadn't lost my stability. Don tell me I'll get there again because I am so hopeless right now I can't take it. I know what I should think but it sure doesn't feel like it right now.

Here's to hoping sleep will help and I will wake up refreshed and not so damn angry!!!!

Can you call your pdoc's office for an emergency call? I would take 1mg kl and see if that helps calm you too. This is part of an episode, its the illness. You just need to get some help. (((Bighugs)))

[Moose72]

If you can't call your pdoc's office, call the psych ER and ask to speak with a nurse.

[ultramar]

Maybe give it another couple of days to see if you come down, but if not, go to the ER? This could have lasting consequences at work and with your family -the short term pain of going to the ER may end up helping a great deal in the long run.

[dubblemonkey]

...ok

here is what I 'choose' to think

and it might be a bit hard?

check this out!

.."all these kids and humans and family and who-ever pops in?"

they are not 'fit' to be around you

we apply ourselves with such personal energy we are being everyone else according to our illness and it is just too much

...I say you are "fit" ....

and when the actions are scary as hell

it's ok to hide away for a bit...you done nuthin' wrong

[wildflowerchild25]

Well I don't need to go to the ER I I don't think because I am still in my IOP so I'll be able to see my pdoc on Monday or Tuesday. The program is closed on the weekend so no one would answer me anyway. I woke up steeped in anxiety today. I couldn't get out of bed until 8:45 which isn't good because my son woke up at 7:30...thankfully he has a ton of toys upstairs and just played with them. I finally tore myself out of bed to face the day.

In any case I don't have a psych ER in mY area that does anything other than decide whether hospitalization is necessary. I have a crisis center but I've been there so many times that the doctor (and it's ALWAYS the same doctor!!!) barely looks at my case before sayin hospital. I've seen him about fifteen times. I cannot go to the hospital again. That's four times in a year. And besides I'm not suicidal yet. That's when I know it's time to go.

I already yelled at my hubby today and we've only been up for an hour :-/ I took the klonopin and I feel a little calmer so I hope it works. Thanks for your help everyone as always.

[BlueInanna]

I am just coming out of a similar thing with the rage Finally see the doc on Monday. - So ironic - now that I feel ok who needs meds - I'm so irritated that she didn't want to view me in the mixed state after 5+ years of seeing her, I have never called with an urgent concern (well maybe her common sense lol).

I recommend taking sick days - say whatever you have to. I worked from home for 4 weeks, I might lose my job... So it's really hard to say do whatever you must to take care of your health - because we usually need to keep our jobs and work, but we also need space when we need space. And that doesn't really sound like enough klonopin to me. I hope your H can care for you and your son for a few days until you get evened out. I wish more people around would understand when we're in an episode we need caring for just like if we had a cold/flu. Unless we want space, they'd best stay away!

[avlady]

I hope you feel better soon and do see your doc soon as possible, i hope the klonopin works

[noshadows]

I hope you are feeling better. Don't feel bad for imagining doing terrible things. I do too and sometimes it is a way of directing that energy somewhere aka in the visions. good luck x