[Victoria'smom]

So, Friday I was told by T I'm being Delusional, actually she slipped and said that. We had a long talk about the crisis center, AP's and how often to take prn's, not tying the doctors hands as what medications to take, and things of the sort. I have to continue to eat and drink and not hurt myself if I want to stay home.

I don't feel like I want to do either of those things. I feel fine. T says I'm anxious and may be depressed but I don't believe her. I really doubt I'm actually delusional. She did have my husband in there the whole time and we did go over time. She usually only does that when she thinks I'm really unwell. How did I make them think that I was delusional when I'm not? How do I convince them I'm not? I am begrudgingly taking my AP PRN, my husband doesn't know I am. He feels if I take the AP it's time to go to the crisis unit but isn't that what the PRN is for?

I know I pay for T and pdoc's professional opinion and they are awesome but how do I prove them wrong? If I was delusional wouldn't she want me to see the pdoc sooner? I don't want to be IP around Christmas especially when I don't need to be. Help. If I am delutional how do I convince myself I am?

[BlueInanna]

I really want to know wht she thinks ur delusional about. Can u call her & ask her to expand on that? You don't sound delusional when we talk. She must have something specific in mind.

[Alokin]

I am with Blue. She should give you an explanation.

[Victoria'smom]

Here's what I explained to her:

It went from "feeling like someone scooped out my emotions," to "If I can't feel anything then I must not be human" to "how do I prove this? crap I can't because I'm from my husband's imagination. Now, that he's getting comfortable in himself he doesn't need me and is slowly killing me. That's why it feels like my rib cage is being torn from my body." Spent a good week there but as of last night (12/4) it was "Is he real?" after a long conversation I fell asleep. Just to wake up and feel "If we are not in the same room one of us will be erased from reality and tons of anxiety."

I was to busy being completely petrified of the conversation to ask further questions about why T feels that way. My Crisis level standards, AP's, how my meds are working and if I was taking them. My husband and T talked about other times I was delusional and how it compared to this time. I didn't help my case by completely trying to convince her of my logic behind each one. I can't call unless it's to go to the crisis center but I will turn in a paper by next Tuesday asking her a bunch of questions for when I see her on Friday. I see my pdoc on the 20th and I'm worried my T notes will say I'm not well when I am. I see T the day after I see pdoc so I wont have time to argue my case. At the same time I have asked her to tell me when I'm not well because it's not like I can tell and this is the first time she has (2.5 yrs.) so shouldn't I just trust her? I could ague her assessment with pdoc but wont that make me look worse?

[A Red Panda]

Are you still feeling like you or your H aren't real and will disappear?

Because it's not true. You are real. Your husband is real. You could not see each other for a year and you would still both be real for that entire time.

I can understand why your T would say you were delusional (although I really think that better words exist than delusional!) because those thoughts are not connected to reality.

I hope that you can start seeing things clearly again soon, and that your T will help clarify her opinion to you!

[Victoria'smom]

She slipped and said delusional. I'm not thinking he/I will disappear more the ability to survive on solely air without meds. I know i can't try and I still feel like I can't breathe and just want to sleep but at the same time I don't care. So believe her. Grr.

[A Red Panda]

Ok, so really what you're feeling is that you can't survive without the meds?

Did you word it to your T like that, or did you word it in a way like you had in the last message where I thought you meant that your H isn't real or will stop existing? It could have confused her?

[middlepath]

Hi MM! While you may be feeling as if this is a philosophical exploration, the ideas themselves are not connected to reality (at least my reality right now ; ), so I can understand why your T thinks your thoughts are delusional. Forget the term "delusional" for a moment...if i read your post correctly, the thought of your husband or yourself being erased from existence is causing you heavy levels of anxiety? If i were a T, I would note that your level of distress as being enough to warrant concern. Couple your distress level with the ideas that are prompting the distress and that those ideas are not conventionally understood as reality, I think that is where your T derived the idea that you are delusional.

I struggle with philosophical concepts of existence sometimes and I let my mind wander to far off places sometimes the concepts and explanations i come up with make perfect sense at the time, then later i review my ideas and realize they were not necessarily grounded in reality. So, I think I understand your thought process, nonetheless, the ideas you stated are not consistent with reality from my viewpoint and I think your T is just concerned and wants to help you.

Go easy on yourself...(((HUGS)))

[BlueInanna]

i think you're depressed & having numbness & high anxiety that can come with that. it's understandable with all the stress & changes imho.

agreeing with middlepath, "delusional" doesn't feel like the right descriptor to me. I hope youre feeling better soon.

Questioning what's "real" is part of normal life for me... But on this plane of existence, You are real, M is real. I know this because you're my friend.

Getting grounded is really hard sometimes, but what it means is bringing your energy & thoughts back to here & now.

Call back the parts of you that are somewhere else, past, future, sideways. Feel your body on the earth, let her give you some love.

I know the process, but I'm not feeling grounded right now, still it's good to know there's a way to become more grounded, many ways..

[Victoria'smom]

A Red Panda- Yes, I really had a conversation with T that I may not be real and that if my husband left out of sight one of us would be erased from existence. At this point I'm questioning my logic to this but really don't care as long as my husband's alive I'm good

I really don't feel that I need food, water, or meds but if I stop any of them I'm suppose to go IP.

I know I'm anxious but other then that I have no clue what's going on with me. I have 9 days before I see pdoc and I guess he'll be the deciding factor on what's going on. It'll be 2 against 1 then about what is going on.

[unaluna]

This kind of explains why you said last week that you had a rule to wake the other person up if you went to the bathroom at night? I didnt understand it then, but now i do. Thats a hard rule to make another person to live up to, so that the other person feels safe. Even if both of you agree to it. Its a hard rule to live by, very limiting. So i would say it means something is not right. If it were temporary, like right after somebody died or got attacked, maybe for a week or two, but ongoing i think would be a problem. And people cant live on just air. Some plants can, but they are very flimsy. Please take care.

[Victoria'smom]

Hankster- the wake the other person up if you went to the bathroom at night is a constant rule. This is so that SI and SUI is not an option as we can drop moods at any moment and generally keep sharp objects there. If one of us are unwell then those objects are removed. However some time it plummet without warning.

This situation has gone on for about a week and a half. If it is a delusion then it's longer (I think) than any other one I have ever had. I went from I only exist in his head to the ability for anyone to be erased from reality to I don't need the basic s to live. Usually I just need to sleep for a day and I'm good but this doesn'tseem to ccare how much sleep I get.