[kittlies]

Need to get back on meds. I went off to find out if pregnancy was possible… but my therapist gave me a lecture on how I am not prepared to be a good parent…I barely knew that therapist, and so I fired her. All my friends and family, and my other therapist, think I would be a good mom...

All I ever wanted was a family of my own…

I feel like my life is not in my hands… the professionals won't put me on disability, their goal for me is to work. I just want to stay home and raise a child with my partner, but T says I would be a bad mother, and all the Ts want me to get a job…

So I guess I need to stop being self-indulgent, and go back to work, even if it makes me suicidal to deal with a low-wage, demeaning, socially demanding retail job, and give up the idea of being a parent.

My question is, why do they get to decide if I live or die, and how?

Society says it is bad to die, society says it is good to work, but isn't that selfish of them? Why should I have to go on at all, when I have zero inspiration to be a stupid ****ing grunt in the cogs of the consumer machine, and if my friends really love me, why don't they want me to have some escape from this misery? And why do doctors get to decide if I am capable of work or not? I have been me for all of my 34 years, and I have tried more times than can count to exit, and every time has been the result of trying to do what society expects and failing…. I know work is bad for my mental health! Going back to work is almost certain to mean more suicide attempts!

Even if I go against my therapist's advice and have a kid anyway, I will have to be artificially inseminated at a cost of at MINIMUM $600 per attempt, in order for my partner to be legally recognized as the other parent and to insure that medicaid can't go after the father…

I'm sorry for this rant, it is inarticulate, but I can't make sense of all these things that are contributing to my unhappiness…

[BlackPup]

I understand how you feel. I have struggled through working which was always difficult for me. Up until I quit my last job ( it was either quit or be fired) Then I couldn't find another job anywhere. During this time I fell pregnant and now I have a 9 month old son. I love being a mum and I'm doing an ok job of it. I was medicated during pregnancy and did not breast feed due to meds. (Abilify and tofranil)
Best wishes with your journey.

[kittlies]

Thank you!

did you ever get disability?

[kittlies]

At this point, cuddling is the only thing I enjoy anymore. Even though I fired the T who gave me the lecture about not becoming a parent, I internalized everything she said, and now I am giving up on that dream… It was the last one I'd held onto...

[BlackPup]

No I was never on disability as my hubby works. Also I was working through most of my illness except 3 months at my worst that I took off and that period of unemployment before and during my pregnancy. If I could of got a job then I would of but there were none that got past an interview. It's a tough job market where I live at the moment.

In the end you get to decide how to live your life not your therapist. But a wise person does listen to those around them and then makes a considered decision.

What does your partner think about having kids? You really need a supportive partner.

Hugs....

[kittlies]

She really wants one. She says she never really felt that urge until she met me. She has been telling me for months that all she wants is me pregnant, but when I told her how stressed I am, and that I might not be able to have kids, she said it would be enough to just have me :')

makes me tear up, she's so supportive...

[Trippin2.0]

Have you tried working somewhere besides retail?

Maybe retail makes you suicidal, not work itself... Just a thought, because I've struggled with working too, but only certain types of jobs have me in a mental tailspin in no time...

Your life is in your hands, its up to you to take ownership of it. Therapists don't get to decide if we're allowed to have kids or a normal life. Unfortunately, disability isn't part of a "normal" life and the only way you can help it along is to keep failing at jobs until doctors agree with you.

I hope you start feeling better soon

[kittlies]

I can't get hired at anything else…

except factories, and that is even worse for me… literal sobbing while sitting at a machine all day...

[Michaela Wilson]

I understand why having children is something you really need, I have two and they mean everything to me! But I've essentially lost custody due to my mental condition, and that has not been fair to them whatsoever. I would suggest to simply work toward being healthy enough so that you know you can parent effectively.

[IndieVisible]

Being a great mom and being ready to be one are two different things. Just because your T told you they did not think you were ready to be a mom, does not mean they think you would be a horrible or bad mom. Did you ask your T why they felt that way and what did they say?

We went thru in vitro 3 times. Very expensive and stress full, 3rd time we got twins

During pregnancy you will need to stay off your meds. Some women can do it, some can't. I had a girlfriend many years ago, she too was bipolar. She already had one daughter in foster care that she just got back and she also became pregnant. Not by me,when I met her she was pregnant. She told me her pdoc told her to abort because he did not think she could last full term without meds. She decided to try any ways. At first she was fine and I really thought she could do it. But by the 2nd month off meds she started getting out of control. Serious mood swings, anger issues, and she drank behind my back. Long story short, by her 6 month, even she had to admit it was not working and aborted at her 6th month.

The point is there could be legitimate reasons why your T did not feel you were ready and perhaps you should have talked to them about that more. I will try to be supportive of you no matter what you decide to do. Some people can go without meds better/longer then others. I've gone 5 years! Everyone is differently and there are always a lot of circumstances involved. Just look at the big picture. Patience! Best of luck to you!

[kittlies]

Thanks for the support.

I had told T that I was having some trouble keeping up with household chores and personal hygiene, even on meds, and that without my meds I was sinking into depression. She asked what my fiancé does to help pull me out of it, and I told her we can't really afford to go out and have fun, and that she has her own limitations that cause her to have an erratic sleep schedule and sometimes she simply can't do the things that cheer me up. So the T said that my partner and I don't have a strong foundation to build a family on. But T wasn't listening to all the supportive things that fiancé DOES do. She is always there with snuggles and an uplifting attitude, and she accepts whatever I need to do, as long as it doesn't involve spending all the money or sleeping around when I am manic. She takes care of our 4 cats and 2 dogs, takes out the garbage,listens to me, and cheers me up.

My other T knew me better, and she thinks I can do it. She disclosed that she had a very difficult time when her child was a baby, but said that it is not that hard for everyone. She said I am very strong and is very happy with my support network.

[BlackPup]

I regularly struggle with household chores and showering etc during depressions. With and without a baby. With a baby things are different though. There are some things I HAVE TO do. Like wash the bottles and get them ready. Prepare food for my baby, and feed him, change him, wash his clothes etc
I've been much better with doing stuff since I had him even during this last depression.
You can do it because if you have a baby you just have to do it.

[Victoria'smom]

No one should tell you whether or not you can/should have children. If they feel you can work then you can have children with support. go to an partial hospitalization program or intensive out patent program. When you have children you can get a letter saying that the child should be in daycare and the county will help pay for it if need be. I took an intensive Lamaze class that included basic care. I took an awesome baby sitting course as a kid. I ended up treating my son like I was babysitting when I was depressed and a room mate as he got older. I'm only a good parent because I am only a babysitter. You can do it.