I wish i understood...

Hey,

It’s been a while since I’ve actually been on these forums, and I do admit I’ve not been around regularly, or in the chat rooms for a couple of months. I just think the last few weeks have been so up and down and I guess I felt compelled to come back.

I moved home and counties just in July to a completely new area after leaving university (I’m in England). I’ve had Bipolar (type II) for as long as I can remember (I was diagnosed about 4 years ago but I do recognise that a lot of the ‘signs’ I have now I had before - even back as a teenager). Anyway, I moved cities in July and haven’t really looked back, but now, I guess things have caught up with me – I really miss that place. It was like home even though I knew it would only be for a few years through university.

A month or so before I moved, I went through this hypomanic period for a couple weeks and ended up in a bit of trouble, but when I moved I swore things would be different and that I’d do everything I could to stay ‘stable’. Well, I now live in a different city and have a new CPN - who I get on really well with and she’s class. But even so I find myself getting really depressed and I can’t understand why.

I mean, I have a good life here. I have my flat, a CPN who I like, and a job I can actually enjoy. So many people have so much worse times than I have and I have no reason to feel like I want to just give up and spend my days under a duvet in a dark room pretending I don’t exist but really that’s all I want to do. I don’t understand. I’m not stressed, nothing majors happened – unless you include moving house, but that was near on 6 months ago. – Everything just feels so hopeless and I don’t understand why.

Have any of you ever felt like this - having no exact reason to pin down your emotions to a specific event? I’m not sure I have. Everything always seems to have been a response to something. Even if it was minor, there has always been some sort of shake-up. Now I just don’t know why I’m like this and to be honest I’m lost.
I just wish I knew why I felt like this.

Jqi

A lot of times I can't pinpoint why mood things happen.

Many times. I too consider myself blessed with a wonderful life and some nights I would rather curl up and die than hang out with people who care about me.

jqi - - I understand what you mean my moods changing with no specific trigger. I literally woke up one morning (this past August 4th to be exact), and that was the start of my current depressive episode. There was absolutely NOTHING that happened to cause the episode. I wish there had been a trigger that I could address in therapy or something. It just seems to have taken on a life of its own, and I feel helpless.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

That's the hallmark bipolar trait right there. Significant mood shifts without any external / environmental causes.

Sometimes I wake up regretting I woke up and spend the next week or so crying. Some days I wake up refreshed and rearing to go at 2am and do a load of washing with music blaring in my ears and a stupid smile on my face.

Its the nature of the beast, it is what it is...

Moving is hard enough for people without BP. But it is even worse for us. It's seriously unsettling. Give yourself a break you are allowed to feel sad. See if there are any changes that need to be made to meds and keep in contact with your therapist/pdoc.

thanks guys. it's kind of comforting to know i'm not the only one even though i don't wish it on any of you but you know what i mean. i'm seeing my cpn on 3rd jan (no-ones around until the 2nd) but it just seems so far away at the moment.

i don't know what to do other than get on with it best as possible - get in to work, carry on as normal etc. put on the act for the rest of the world - and hope for it to pass.

what if it doesn't pass though? what if this is the one i don't come back from and i spend the rest of my life depressed? that scares me everytime. but i guess it's only been a couple weeks so its hard to tell. wish there was a way of knowing.
guess i'm just rambling now.
i just don't know.