I thought I was being good

I get bored a lot. I went over to a friend's but she was passing out so I went to the beer store for some cigs and cider so that I could have a reflective writing night. I'm poor and shouldn't be walking alone at night, but whatever. I ended up on the other side of the neighborhood and then hanging with a guy I know. We were talking about personal **** but I figured it was cool because he was too. Then he said, don't take this the wrong way, but I recognize manic depressive behavior in people. I confessed. We chilled and then he left. Idk how I feel. I'm not ashamed of my illness, but I'm sad that I can't be anything but it. I thought that I was being so good. Maybe I'm in a hypo manic episode. I've suspected it, but I was so sad earlier today. I thought that I was being good. Everyone kept inviting me to a show at my ex's and I refused because I didn't want to get sad and drink too much. Idk how I'm feeling. Defeated, I guess. I thought that I could pull off normal.

I bought a beer for writing. I think I'll leave it for tomorrow :/

Just because he saw it doesn't mean it's overly obvious. Go by how you are feeling and not how other people view you.

Being manicky doesn't mean you are not "good".

Good is not mean goody-two-shoes. It's about a character. Showing symptoms doesn't mean you are all out bad, unless you act all out bad and are unapologetic about it all.

You don't have to be symptom-less to be good and have a fine life. If you're not doing anything harmful towards yourself or others (so, that includes things like overspending as that's harmful to your finances!) then you're totally fine. You don't have to always seem the exact same throughout the various episodes - you're allowed to be more chatty and socialable or sad and introverted. Any and all are fine.

It really just means that he is a potentially good friend to have if he brought it up and was cool with it. It shows that he's perceptive. When I'm in either depression or hypo, it's not super noticeable to other people because I have pretty good management over my behaviours (and they're not extreme episodes). But if someone is observant then they would be able to tell the difference. It doesn't mean that I've failed or that I'm not good just because someone's noticed. Hells, my students definitely notice when I'm in an up. They just don't know that's what it is

Is he a junior psychologist in the making? Or maybe just a guy on a power trip? He was talking about personal stuff so you let down your guard, THEN he judges you?? Did you ask for his opinion?? You could just feel mad that he wasnt being honest, that he held himself above you, that maybe he manipulated you. I dont think you asked for his help or diagnosis. You were openly sharing with him. He was doing his homework on you. Id feel a little angry, a little tricked. You were aware of what was going on. Youre just not used to confronting, but you blame yourself instead?

To me, the conversation sounded more like an open dialogue. They were talking about personal stuff, and then he asked a question openly. I've outright asked people if they were feeling suicidal or if they were self-harming and then said based on how they were behaving, it had made me wonder. Those weren't judgements, they were observations and sometimes it's helpful when someone else points it out.

She didn't have to confess, although self-disclosure (at least for me) is way more likely when I'm in an up.

It sounds like he was being honest - by asking instead of just assuming. How does that make him into someone who's holding himself above another person?

I suppose that's true, though I do think that walking to the store in the middle of the night in January in not healthy, but I was so bored and my car is broken! I did just jump on to the other plans in hope of finding something fun, even though I knew it wouldn't be.

I guess I'm afraid to be "off" or uncontrollable. :/

walking to the store is not something that would make you a bad person. In night? If the store is open in night then it's bound to happen people go there in night.

It still doesn't make you bad. Sure, it's possibly not the safest decision (depending on your neighbourhood) but it happens. You can go "Alright, I guess I am in a bit of an up. I will try to pay attention to this!" It's just that you're becoming more self-aware and that's a good thing. I've done similar things - but I tend to go and find myself in unsafe neighbourhoods or places where I'm not familiar. Which is really stupid. It's typically a sign to me that I need to NOT do that again. And then within the next few weeks I usually make a point that if I go out, I make arrangements with a friend that I will NOT leave without them.

I guess now in my head, I'm looking at all of my interpersonal failings as "me" just being "off" and that's why I'm not as liked as I want to be.

You're not off. You're always on! Just sometimes you might be on a slightly different frequency from other people. It's frustrating yes, but not always. The more awareness you gain about yourself, the more you'll be able to start working on things that will work for you to help keep you more balanced and safe.

It's reallllly frustrating at the start though - when you're just learning to be aware of things. It's hard to change when you're just learning what things are potentially harmful (or things that you really don't find acceptable for yourself).

Like.... when I'm hypomanic? I'm usually game for a one night stand. At any other point (baseline or depressed) I'm really not going to go in for that. So.... I set myself up some safety rules. 1. I will only respond positively to guys who are known by at least one person I know - so a mutual aquaintance. If there is no mutual aquaintance, then I will not go home with him. 2. If I really think that I'm in the sort of state where I may not follow 1, then I will not shave my legs - I'm shallow enough that I will NOT have sex with someone if I hadn't shaved my legs that day (ridiculous yes, but I hate shaving my legs sooo this works for me sometimes! haha).

With spending? Well. I'm careful with my money. But when I'm hypomanic, I'm more likely to want to treat myself. I won't run up a huge bill or anything - I always and only spend within my means. However, I'll want things that might be larger purchases than normal or really frivolous and things that might not fit in my apartment or that I will probably lose interest in quickly. My solution to this: I don't make any larger purchase without considering it for a few months. Even if I'm baseline or depressed I will do this, because it's how I keep to it when I'm hypomanic.

It just takes time to learn what things there are that you don't find acceptable for yourself... and then being open to being creative and experimenting until you figure out what will help you not indulge in those behaviours quite as often.

BUT - and this I find key for me.... you have to forgive yourself when you slip up. The behaviours are a result of an illness, and it's alright to not be perfect. Just roll your eyes or laugh at yourself (or try to make ammends if it's been upseting for anyone) and then keep on going and try to remind yourself of it the next time you feel like doing whatever it was.