[henrydavidtherobot]

Hypo mania is a monster deep inside that can pop out unexpectedly. It can make you avoid your loved ones in fear.
Depression is a toxic best friend. But you know it's there.
Anxiety is a shadow that emerges with social contact.

I can't escape anything! Whatever I do, I'll pay for it mentally. If I go out, I risk being silly or worrying over nothing. If I stay in, I'll pay for it in loneliness and sadness.

Even when I'm good, I can't go out without facing some reminder of when I was bad. I rapid cycle. So, I'll be out and sober and fine and some one will say something about a hypo manic episode I had. It isn't even like they are always being mean, but I emotionally can't take it.

This is permanent. It won't go away.

I'm trying to accept that I am fortunate enough to have the "mildest" of the bi polar disorders. I'm trying to accept that I'm a good person and that I'm still loved/lovable.

But it's hard. But I'm terrified. But I'm feeling hopeless.

What can I do?

[x_BabyG_x]

I've for the milder type too (with a hint of psychosis) and due to my meds I'm rapid cycling also. I hate it, but too be honest I appreciate the chance to FEEL with the mania. I was very very shy as a child so the outburst of confidence I have - even if it does get me in to trouble every so often, is a breath of fresh air.

Just remember your not alone, try looking at more of the positives than the negatives! Xxx

[Victoria'smom]

I had to move from my home town. I can't go back without slipping and taking over a month to stabilize. Not because I grew up in a bad home or because I don't get along with my family. I grew up fine and my family is really close. It's because everyone knows how unstable I was. I can't walk into any public place without putting myself into somewhere that I had a bad episode. The sucky part is because of my eating disorder I can't walk a block without seeing a place that I hid food. Even at home I can walk through my old home I see the pain and torment I caused in my home.

Maybe it's time to move on? or to a part of your city you don't know?

[henrydavidtherobot]

Miguel's mom, I understand completely. Unfortunately, I live in a small college city, so there is no where new to go to here. I apply for jobs overseas every day. I felt this same way when I left my hometown (though I was much more unstable then). It's time to go. I need to keep moving until I figure it all out. It takes so much time lol

[Qbug223]

I'm so sorry, I know what you mean by depression being your best friend and always being there. That sounds so awful

[Victoria'smom]

Can you move to a diffrent small city? even 30 min.away helps.

[henrydavidtherobot]

When I'm in a depressive stage, I know that I'm in that episode (I don't always with hypo mania) and I can't get out of it. Though I know it's "false", it can be so convincing, like a toxic best friend.

There's an awesome city 40 minutes North. Unfortunately, I can't break my lease here just to break another when I get a job overseas. I know it would make a world of a difference, but I have to wait it out. I apply for jobs everyday.

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by henrydavidtherobot

When I'm in a depressive stage, I know that I'm in that episode (I don't always with hypo mania) and I can't get out of it. Though I know it's "false", it can be so convincing, like a toxic best friend.

There's an awesome city 40 minutes North. Unfortunately, I can't break my lease here just to break another when I get a job overseas. I know it would make a world of a difference, but I have to wait it out. I apply for jobs everyday.

Bpolar sucks and sorry to hear you're struggling!! For me the only med that's keeped me stable and in the middle is Latuda! It's been a miracle drug and lifesaver for me and seems to be for most with bpolar. Best of luck!!