[topgun2009]

Hi, I'm new to this site. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I eight years ago - I have multiple other conditions to go along with it, but I won't go into all of those just yet. In the years since my diagnosis, I became pretty in tune with my bipolar (the warning signs of a mania or a low, and how to prepare for them). By the time I went into a depressed state, or low, in late 2012, I wasn't too worried, because I was expecting it (I had just come off a small, two month mania), and I knew you couldn't have the highs without the lows. However, all of my bipolar manias and lows only lasted for 2 to 3 months at the MOST. I NEVER would have imagined that the depression I entered into in 2012 would still be going on in 2014, and would be so severe that my only hope for happiness is that someone or something kills me very, very soon. This depression is incredibly unusual for bipolar disorder - they are not supposed to last for more than a year. It's an episode, and it's not in character with how my bipolar has acted in the seven years prior to the onset of this. For the love of God, has someone else dealt with this? I can't have sex, and my husband is miserable. The more he wants it, the more I don't want to give it, and the more we fight. I already have PTSD from being sexually abused in my prior marriage. My therapist is awesome, and we have tried several combinations of drugs, to no avail - I did not notice the slightest difference with any of them. This bipolar depression cannot be touched; it has consumed me. I feel like I'm carrying death around with me. My health has deteriorated remarkably, my white blood count is alarmingly low and I have been physically sick for four months now. I'm too weak to eat, to weak to do much of anything. But my mind is sharp still, and it won't let me die, which is terribly cruel. This is incredibly inhumane.

I really feel for you. I've gone through periods of long depression too and it is awful.

Meds and inpatient got me out of mine enough to get my coping strategies up and working again, I was fortunate for that.

What have you tried so far? Maybe we can suggest something for you to try. Its really hard when it feels like nothing will work.

My pdoc and I had a conversation today about bipolar and whether or not the depressions are something else entirely (we were talking about my antidepressants) It makes you wonder. My longest depression was 7 months. I have always been on an AD since my diagnosis.
Anyway, my thought, if you have exhausted meds, would you consider ECT or TMS? ( transcranial magnetic stimulation)
I've been on a number of different combinations over the last 7+ years as situations and drs change. Just hang in there and if you dont feel you are getting adequate treatment, change drs if possible. I hope this helps some.

Hi topgun, sorry you have been feeling lousy for so long. Up until the depression that started early August (2013) that I feel I'm coming out of, my bipolar depressions were only a couple of months at most too. After six months in this depression, I feel I'm improving somewhat, although I'm not totally out of the woods. It's been a long road though. Just know that you're not alone.

Keep telling yourself it's just an episode of depression. As you know, bipolar is characterized by cycles (if one is symptomatic at all). This cycle can't last forever for you, even though I know it feels like it.

[topgun2009]

I've tried hospitalization and it was literally one of the worst experiences of my life (the environment was terrifyingly reminiscent of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest). I'm desperately trying to get ECT, but there is only one doctor in a four hour radius who performs it, and BOTH of my insurance carriers do not cover him. I cannot travel four hours away three times a week to get ECT, so I'm still trying to get one of my insurance carriers to work with me and cover this doctor in town. I don't expect it to work out, but I'm hoping I can somehow (and I know this sounds so melodramatic, but I can't help it) just die before I have to deal with being told again that nothing worked out and I have no options.
I've pretty much tried all of the medications I can, even some pretty unconventional medication combinations to push me into a manic state, but nothing has made this depression budge. I'll get little blips of sleepless nights and excitement, but they only last for two days, and then I'm even worse than before. I'm especially suicidal after I fight with my husband about our lack of a sex life. Anyways, until my health took a nose dive and my immune system disappeared, I exercised regularly and ate right along with a regular sleep schedule - still no difference in the depression. My one hope right now is ECT :/

Thank you for replying to my post!

[topgun2009]

Oh, God, I would LOVE to get ECT right now. That is my only hope - unfortunately, like I mentioned in my reply above, both of my insurance carriers refuse to cover the one doctor who performs ECT in my city. The closest one that they will cover is four hours away, which I cannot travel to. This is so discouraging, because I feel like ECT would be the answer to my prayers. ECT helps 80 to 90% of those who get it - most see results within two weeks of the onset of treatment. I would give a kidney to see results within two weeks of now! I feel like a cure is so close, but so far away, and I am tired of getting my hopes up and being let down. I definitely feel like I'm getting great treatment from my doctor; he's like my family member and I could never have survived this illness for eight years without him So in that area, I am very blessed. Have you had ECT? If so, did it work?

Thank you so much for replying to my post!

[topgun2009]

Thanks, newgal2 how can you tell that you're improving? It's been so long since I haven't been depressed that I don't even remember how to tell if I've been improving (though I know I haven't, because it's been getting worse). Thank you for the kind and encouraging words!

Originally Posted by topgun2009

Thanks, newgal2 how can you tell that you're improving? It's been so long since I haven't been depressed that I don't even remember how to tell if I've been improving (though I know I haven't, because it's been getting worse). Thank you for the kind and encouraging words!

I can tell because I'm not sad anymore, I don't cry at the drop of a hat or have a constant lump in my throat. I just don't feel so low and desperate. The way I feel now is pleasant; it's a feeling of contentment. I feel more enthusiastic about life and look forward to the future. I can actually enjoy activities - - for example I had a blast just bowling and listening to music the other weekend. I enjoy myself around people more. Just generally feel better; it's hard to explain.

[wildflowerchild25]

I really hope ECT works out for you somehow. ECT helped me immensely after my year of self destruction in 05-06. I don't recommend it for everyone because the memory loss was pretty severe but if you're out of options it will almost definitely work. And your memory does come back, eventually. Took me about a year to recover cognitively. But it definitely helped my depression. I had to do a lot of trauma work in therapy after that to recover fully but it helped get me out of bed.

[swheaton]

I'm in a depressive state at the moment. I was okay for about a year and now I have sunk again. I think mine has been triggered by a few things: husband might lose his job, work sucks. I am just beginning to crawl out of it, but I still wish I could just sleep my life away. It isn't unusual for me to have long spells of depression.

Hospital is never fun but it has saved my life, thought I would jot down a few things that have helped me -

Meditation - Lately I have been really strict with meditating and deep breathing everyday, it has made a difference to my overall health. I feel calmer (most of the time) after meditating

Mindfulness - being involved completely in my tasks. Living in the moment and not letting anything interfer with that

Being active - This is one I am struggling with at the moment but really trying hard to change it, I have a full week this week with events and friends. I hate socialising when I am low, but being on my own is not beneficial to me. I dont feel like I have the energy when I am depressed, so I do short stints on the bike and spend as much time outside as I can. Even a little bit every day helps with healing.

Committing to something - having someone rely on you. Im a member of a local support group. That small commitment of a few hours a week helps me when I get really low, these people rely on my support and friendship, all the more reason to live. A pet is also a great commitment, makes you get out of bed every day, gives you someone to talk to.

Check your diet - when I am low my diet is crap - lots of carbs and sugar, it does NOT help my mood. Fresh fruit and vegies, healthy recipes can help. I find it easy to be mindful when cooking.

I have many more coping strategies I use personally but those are just a few things to try. I know how hopeless it feels after a long depression stint, and how hard it is to do some of these things. But I talk myself through a lot of it "its just one hour of doing this or that, I can handle that" etc. It can feel really hard, unbearable at times, but I just see it all as steps to recovery. Part of my treatment plan. Depression really sucks.