Ashamed of being bipolar.

Yep, I'd noticed. But then... I was first suicidal aged 11. Sort of paid attention to things after that, and by the time I was 17/18 I also noticed that I went through phases where I felt like I was on top of the world. So when I read about bipolar, I was like "........ yeah that sounds like me." and then promptly ignored it! But I did work to manage any behaviours I wasn't so fond of.

Didn't get diagnosed until just before I turned 29 though

I also feel ashamed by the bi polar stigma, I lost some friends during my 1st manic episode..I wouldnt be ashamed if I had diabetes by I sure am ashamed of bi polar!

Hang in there runfarawway. We all have gone though it.

I guess I was lucky. My friend, when I told him, ended up saying "huh, well that explains a lot" and ended up accepting me. So did my GF (to some extent). However, there are a few people I hide my diagnoses from religiously. Co-workers, managers, anything work related, my friends I made down here in Texas... I feel it is too much of a risk.

You may seem ashamed now. As many have pointed out, it takes a while to come to terms with the diagnoses. But someday you will be able to distinguish between you and the illness. Our illness does not define us. People with diabetes or cancer are not defined by their illness, why should we let ourselves be defined by ours?

I am going to have some drinks on Friday with a couple friends. I don't want to tell them. I don't drink alcohol very often, I just don't handle it well and now with all these meds I'm on I tend to get tipsy pretty fast. My lips are loose when I drink and I worry I will spill my guts. I will regret it if I do. These two people I believe are my friends. I think, for whatever reason, they actually like me. I don't think they would respond badly, but maybe they would. I feel the need to let it off my chest. To cry. I'm so frustrated. Yet ashamed. Sorry for venting.

I re-read my post. I don't make any sense, do I? Maybe I should just stay home.

Truth be told, I am already having anxiety over this. I never go out with friends anymore. I struggle with it, I'm a terrible friend. Sorry for high-jacking your post and talking to myself. I didn't realize how I was feeling until I typed it out.

I don't really talk to myself. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I just sound like I do.

Venting is great, especially here among your peers who know what it is like. We don't judge.

I have a few close friends and I have confided in them. some friends I have told i dont talk to very much. I had one friend visit me in the hospital when I hurt myself and another on a separate occasion take me. both do not see me differently. I recently told both that im going threw a hard time and they understood. its hard when people dont want to be your friend because there is such negative stigma about mental health disorders. I have come to grow closer to my small circle of friends though. i think in time the same will be for you. that is not to say i dont feel shame and sometimes i dont want to accept that i have a life long illness.

Thanks everyone, feeling so bad today.

I can relate because when I was first diagnosed it made so much sense to me because it explained how I've been my whole life pretty much. It was a big ah ha for me and wanting to share it with people turned out to be a huge mistake. I was in a college class where we were doing one of those bonding things to learn about each other and become closer as a group. I made the mistake of sharing that I had bipolar disorder. This one girl actually said to the group "why would you tell people that?" As if it was something to be ashamed of... So society makes us feel shame for it. I just don't tell people outside of here. People who will understand it already know you have it just by being around you. Best not to share in my opinion outside of safe groups ... Not even family!!

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I too am in your situation. It really sux but we both can overcome the shame since this is a brain glitch & nothing we did. Read all you can about our dual dx that helped me.

I learned long ago about relationships that nobody wants to be around someone who is depressed. We like to be around the happy fun people. I had to learn to fake my emotions. I've learned to smile and joke when inside I'm thinking what is the point in living? I don't think friends even want to be around when you are depressed which sucks but hey it brings them down too. I don't think it's that they don't care about us but more a natural instinct to back off give space and avoid unpleasantries. I actually don't have any friends do it's not an issue for me. Cats don't care. If you feed them tuna they love you. I buy lots of tuna. Works for me.

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Totally understand...I got burned in an "open" sharing session, too. Never again!

I let it off my chest here, with my 3 friends who also have BP, and in group. Those are safe places.

The two or three friends I told were understanding and listened, but my family was another matter. It has become something that is rarely addressed anymore. Which is fine since that conversation can become frustrating. There still are certain things which are harder for people to understand that I keep to myself. The experience did lead me to finding some good definitions and explanations online. I copied and pasted them to an application with their pages cited to make it more condensed and easier to read. Then printed a few copies off to keep on hand. Next time I reveal that I'm bipolar to a friend or other family member they can have one of those copies to read. It will be from a more reputable source than me (my family is conservative and deal better with "facts"), and can help the diagnosis be not so scary or have them feel unsure of how to respond. Not sure if that helps. Being able to talk about it definitely helps, and here is a good place to start.

Hi everyone,
Thanks for your replies.
As far as I can make out nearly everyone feels ashamed or scared to tell about their bipolar, I really don't know how you all cope,I am struggling so much right now to even keep myself on track, I just am not a good person.

I totally understand how you feel. I, too, am ashamed. No matter how many people tell you it's not your fault, it's a chemical imbalance, etc., accepting that is so hard. I have been on meds for bipolar 1 for 15 years and I still can't accept it. Every day I feel like I am a fake, trying to pretend to be someone I am not just to fit in with people I have no business associating with. I know if they knew the truth they would want nothing to do with me. People fear what they don't understand, and it's easier for them to turn away than to research it and support you. Yes, the stigma is sad and ignorant but it's not going away anytime soon. Every single day with this is a struggle, and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I can tell you, just like everyone else, that it is not your fault nor is it something you can fix. You are not weak, you are sick, and you need care and compassion and love. I hope you can find those few people that love you enough to stay with you. I know they are out there, but like diamonds in the rough they are so hard to find. Talking here really helps, so keep it up. Big hug to you.

When I was first diagnosed I was far too deep in despair to be ashamed or embarassed, all I wanted was to feel better. I am an avid researcher so I read every book in the bookstore I could lay hands on and looked up stuff on the web, I continue this. I know this is not something any of us caused ourselves to have. I also didnt have that many friends to begin with so havent lost any due to my illness. I found a few new ones through my nami support group so that was a plus. I strongly suggest a support group if you can find one near you. nami.org or dbsa are 2 organizations to try.

On the other hand I do understand feeling embarassed which has actually just come up for me this past summer as my sons are both getting married this year. What will this new family think of me if I have to go to the hospital? Its given me a lot of incentive to really work hard on being stable.

Just know that having the illness is not who you are and does not make you a bad person. I know I am a caring, loving person who tries to do good, that was me before I was diagnosed and it is still me. I've still done some dumb things but never because I was trying to hurt anyone.

Hang in there with us and keep posting, we're here for you

Well honey you have friends here now that will not be
ashamed to know you or make you feel bad about yourself!
Instead, we understand you and accept you ! I'm here for you
& so is everyone here! There's not one thing that you can go through
that someone here can't relate to.
Welcome new friend!

so sorry your friends turned on you, I also had friends turn on me also

You may find information, support and ideas on how to share information here as well as at PsychCentral.

They're not friends if they abandoned you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of hon. And there are plenty of us
out here if you need to talk to someone.

Thanks for your kind words everyone.