Ashamed of being bipolar.

Hi everyone
I know this sounds bad, but have recently been diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder, all I feel is totally ashamed of myself, I just can't seem to accept that its not my fault, what made it worse is I told a few friends, now they don't want to know me.
I just want to crawl into a corner and never come out.

We can relate here.

I lost friends after my hospitalisation and diagnosis too. To tell you the truth, I have found a new friends, who are a much better support network for me. It hurts in the moment but as time goes on you find new people who love you. I am careful who I share my diagnosis with now, all of my close friends know but I try not to let anyone new know.

Life will get better again.

runfaraway, accepting your diagnosis takes time. losing friends happens to some of us, too. people fear what they don't understand.

therapy will help you deal with your new diagnosis. learning to call it a disease that you have instead of defining yourself by it comes in time.

my sympathies. It was 25 years ago that i was first diagnosed and i still remember what an upheaval it caused in my self image. you CAN live with BP and live your life just the way you planned.

I'm sorry that you've had people abandon you right away! It's ridiculous how people can go with being friends with you... to totally bailing ship the moment that a word gets attached to you - you're still the same as you were before you had the diagnosis declared, why don't they get that???

I'm sorry that you're struggling with acceptance. It'll come, with time.

Run,

That was also my biggest struggle...accepting what I had. Surround yourself with people that can truly understand what you are going through. (this is a great place for starters). Always remember you are not alone in this journey.

I didn't have a lot of friends. One was okay with me as long as I was manic but when I became depressed it's like I fell off the face of the earth. She never calls anymore. I sometimes call her but feel I'm a bother. Two of my other friends accepts me as I am. I'm lucky. Once suffers from depression and anxiety, too.

Anyway, I don't tell just everyone. I have to know them pretty well before I let them know. It's a shame I can tell them I have a blood clot and they respond with care, if I tell them I'm bipolar they just stare blankly or change the subject.

I understand your shame.

I haven't told many people, and those I did tell I kind of regret telling. I think that includes my husband. I feel like he doesn't really have any sort feeling towards it, one way or another. I don't think it's made any difference, him knowing. That sounds like a nice thing, but it kind of hurts. Other than that, I think I have told 4 people. I wish I hadn't.

I don't tell many people about any of my problems, but if they ask and I think they're worth telling, I usually default on my anorexia (the reason I've been gone for so long) and sometimes the bipolar. I don't tell anyone but my closest friends (a lot of my family still doesn't know) about the schizoaffective disorder/schizophrenia.

If people seem taken aback, it's probably because they get most of their info on mental illness from horror movies and news reports of mass muderers. You could always try bringing up the topic of mental illness and bipolar before revealing your diagnosis to test the waters. If they seem uneducated on the topic, inform them! If they still have a negative reaction, they probably aren't worth your time.

Basically the process of coming out as mentally ill is the same as coming out of the closet as LGBT... coming out of the padded cell, perhaps?

There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately, in our society, there is still such a stigma when it comes to mental illness. I do think you should be selective on who you share your illness with but, I have found a lot of people that are very accepting of it. I have also lost a lot of people (even my mother quit speaking to me for a time). But all you, and anyone, can do is try to be a good person. The hardest thing is realizing you have a problem and it sounds like you are trying to get treatment, so you are doing the right thing for yourself. Just try not to mourn the loss of people who can't accept your diagnosis. If they can't be loving and supportive, then they shouldn't be in your life anyhow. Stay strong.

Thanks guys,
You are all saying be selective about who to tell about diagnosis, but the few friends I chose to tell were my best and closest, or so I thought.
I really feel alone right now, I am taking medication and a mental health nurse to talk to, but its not the same has having a good friend.
I really do appreciate all of you talking to me, I really am totally at a loss and don't know what to do.

Run, I've been where you're at, with "friends" and also with some family members. Stay with us here. Come here as often as you can and keep in touch. PM me if you wish (private message). My suggestions are to look for a free NAMI support group (Nat'l Alliance for the Mentally Hill) in your area or try to find a bipolar support group, even any kind of support group. Check newspaper, check local hospital, ask your mental health nurse, call United Way and ask. You will then meet people in person who can give you support. Be real selective about who you choose to make friends with, too. I wish you good luck with this. Better, true friends will come along to replace the ones who didn't deserve to be your friends anyway.
PrairieCat

thank you so much, means so much just to talk right now.

I just don't understand why things can be going great and All of a sudden I feel like I need to be in the hospital. It seems to be my safe place. Why do I need a safe place?

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I don't understand either, but I suppose everyone needs a safe place, for me its at home hiding away from the world, I'm to ashamed to face the outside.

Somtimes my closet is a really good place.

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sorry you feel like this also, but right now that would be a good place for me, and hope that I would get locked in never to be seen again.

I feel that way sometimes.

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Can I ask what symptoms you have that would give you a diagnosis of bi-polar.
I am just curious. Because I have encountered to many people who do not have bi polar. I am not saying that for you. ...but the word seems to me so oblique among people who are said to have bi-polar.

hi
My diagnosis came about because, it started with depression the depression was so bad, that I attempted suicide, saw a psychiatrist, she said I had clinical depression, started on anti depressants, after about 3 weeks something just changed, I could not sleep at all, felt like I was invincible, my mind was so full up with thoughts, started things that I thought were the best ideas I had ever had, no one knew better than me, got arrested for walking on a very high part of a bridge it just felt so good, the police thought I was trying to commit suicide, tried telling them I was not.
Spent time on psych ward, taken off anti depressants and put on quetiapine, my head started to feel clearer, the buzzing energy died down, felt so different from what I had in a few years.
This is how I was given the diagnosis.

I read one of your posts in another thread that said you do not believe that bipolar disorder is even a real diagnosis. Which is rather invalidating, don't you think?

Here are the list of symptoms. I will highlight the ones which apply to me.

During a manic phase, symptoms include: I have hypomania, which is less extreme.

• heightened sense of self-importance (I actually feel like I'm a good person!)
• exaggerated positive outlook (the world's a great place! Life is great even if nothing is going well!)
  
• significantly decreased need for sleep (4 hours a night? YES!!!!)
• poor appetite and weight loss (I forget to eat and when I do I want easy "fun" food!)
• racing speech, flight of ideas, impulsiveness (I will talk your ear off. Oh, and I will forget what story I was telling you because SHINY! and oh hey, do you want to go out tonight? Oh you don't cause it's Tuesday? WELL how about we take a road trip this weekend? NO?? Well, YOU'RE NOT FUN!)
• ideas that move quickly from one subject to the next (Already covered. I forget what I'm saying because I get excited about something else!)
  
• poor concentration, easy distractibility (Shiny! Class, let's NOT bother doing that writing assignment and let's do this cool art project instead!!!)
• increased activity level (Midnight cleaning spree anyone? Oh, look, I've reorganized all my paperwork AND rearranged the cupboards AND started a new hobby all in one night!)
  
• excessive involvement in pleasurable activities(Why yes, I WOULD like to go out drinking! Oh, yes, actually I WILL go home with you! Oh I'll stay out later. Afterparty with strangers? YES LET'S!)
  
• poor financial choices, rash spending sprees (I've got a great rule for this: no large purchases until you've waited a few months! Little purchases... I own some very odd clothing choices which I bought while hilarious.. have a LOT of kids cartoons, etc. Fortunately I do not buy things like treadmills, sewing machines, expensive boots, vacations, like I always want to!)
  
• excessive irritability, aggressive behavior (I do get quite edgy and impatient because no one can keep up with me and I get bored)

During a depressed phase, symptoms include:

• feelings of sadness or hopelessness (Oh yes. Extensively.)
  
• loss of interest in pleasurable or usual activities (I won't want to leave my house. I won't even be too interested in reading books. And I hate cleaning while depressed!)
  
• difficulty sleeping; early-morning awakening (hahahahha.....my sleep quality will be RUBBISH)
  
• loss of energy and constant lethargy (Sleeping is all Iw ant to do. It's hard to get through a day of work without wanting to take a nap)
  
• sense of guilt or low self-esteem (Everything I've ever done wrong comes back to haunt me. I'm a horrible person.)
  
• difficulty concentrating (It's different from when I'm in a hypomanic phase. I can't concentrate because I am so tired, or because I feel so worthless).
• negative thoughts about the future (There is absolutely no point in life so why do I keep making myself go on?
• weight gain or weight loss (When I remember to eat, it's cheap and easy food to make because I cannot be bothered to spend any time making myself food. I just won't care.)
• talk of suicide or death (This is less frequent. I will often wish I was dead, but I'm rarely suicidal these days.)

As you can see, pretty much that entire list is highlighted. My depressions can last months, my hypomanias have never lasted more than a few weeks. I have no control over when they show up, although I have a lot of self-management and thus don't really cause any damage to myself or my life. The thoughts and impulses are there consistently during episodes, but no one would know (most) of them unless I chose to share what went on in my mind.

hi did you realize you were unwell? I never just thought it was normal for me, other people noticed it, I only started to believe when I attemted suicide.

Yep. I'm ashamed. Ive told people and have always regretted this later. My lips are now sealed and I'm not mentioning it again to anyone else (outside of mental health people of course).

yes its a horrible feeling, I regret telling the few I told as well, I just was not prepared for their reactions, I thought they would support me how wrong I was.
I'm feeling so down today, just want everything including myself to just disappear.

Well...we live in times where economic competition is at an all-time high.

If you could have this simple of an advantage to eliminate someone from the competition, would you use it?

So...we've got this brain (its an appliance) that goes off for all these individual reasons...at various times....in various individuals.

What can I change? What can't I change? Grant me wisdom to know the difference. Grant me wisdom to know when I'm just being used for drug experimentation, (or less) by greedy stock holders.
I know you're all human beings, not disorders! Hang in there, Cubbies. Pray for tranquility, serenity and focus. Get your footing, love yourself, you can do it!
Use your meds., don't let your meds. use you.

thank you, '' love yourself'' is easier said than done when I am so ashamed all I want to do is check out.