[raphael4]

I had a sweetheart, she was bipolar. We were together for nearly 7 years. We were going to get married she had her dress and I had her ring. One day after all this time together. I found her very upset with me. She ran away 8 months ago and haven't seen or heard from her since.

I have tried to contact her, but she changed her phone number and moved away. I got her sisters address to send her letters, but no response at all. I love her will I ever see or talk to her again? Was it a mistake for me to try and contact her. I don't know? What can I expect?

[creativelight]

Don't expect anything. What do you want? Do you want a bipolar wife? If you want her back go and get her. Know that it will be a pain in your behind. But indeed, love can conquer anything.. Just make sure you can handle what you're asking for.

[raphael4]

I asked myself that same question when I first met her. Then her therapist asked me that. So, do I want a bipolar wife? I don't think about it that way. We all have problems, some much worse than others and we can't always change who we are. I chose her because of her positive qualities. Yes there were times when understanding her was difficult. I am an optimist and she believes in love. Can I handle what I am asking for? There's not much I can't handle.

Looking back I see that she needs someone who understands her and responds to her needs. I think I do, but can she help me when I need her? This I am not sure of, but armed with what I am learning now I believe we can make it. So I will keep trying. I'm just not sure if I should because she might need this time away to heal. I just want to let her know I am still here.

[Phoenix_1]

I have bp2. My boyfriend has major depression and PTSD. He was just dx fibromyalgia. I think that when we finally are together, we can help each other's broken parts get strong. Love is a powerful force.

[raphael4]

Originally Posted by Phoenix_1

I have bp2. My boyfriend has major depression and PTSD. He was just dx fibromyalgia. I think that when we finally are together, we can help each other's broken parts get strong. Love is a powerful force.

Love is a powerful force so they say. but sometimes love is just not enough. I suggest for you two is to attend group support meetings together so you can learn about each other by interacting with other couples who have similar problems. We should have do more of that, good luck to you.

My girl has bipolar and it keeps her afraid of things sometimes to the point where she makes excuses or blames others for things that aren't really so important now, and now she's hiding from me. I think I have found her but I am afraid to write her at the address because I feel like it might make her paranoid. Since she won't respond to letters I sent through her sister, I assume it really might be over. but isn't it true of BP that she might stay away for awhile even a year without any contact but then try to re-establish later?

[ultramar]

but isn't it true of BP that she might stay away for awhile even a year without any contact but then try to re-establish later

Such generalizations are difficult as everyone is so different.

I would focus on *her* not her bipolar. People with bipolar disorder are not only their disorder --everyone has their own personality characteristics, histories, quirks, ways of relating to others. Maybe go deeper into what you know about her, about you, about your relationship together when trying to work this out. I'd submit that not all of her behavior or actions in this matter are a direct and/or exclusive result of her bipolar. I think we all (or most) want to be seen and treated as *whole* people, all aspects of ourselves, not just when we're in episodes, and not just the illness. My relationships are not dictated by my bipolar --there are tons of other factors involved; I imagine this is the case for most people. Good luck.

[raphael4]

Originally Posted by ultramar

but isn't it true of BP that she might stay away for awhile even a year without any contact but then try to re-establish later

Such generalizations are difficult as everyone is so different.

I would focus on *her* not her bipolar. People with bipolar disorder are not only their disorder --everyone has their own personality characteristics, histories, quirks, ways of relating to others. Maybe go deeper into what you know about her, about you, about your relationship together when trying to work this out. I'd submit that not all of her behavior or actions in this matter are a direct and/or exclusive result of her bipolar. I think we all (or most) want to be seen and treated as *whole* people, all aspects of ourselves, not just when we're in episodes, and not just the illness. My relationships are not dictated by my bipolar --there are tons of other factors involved; I imagine this is the case for most people. Good luck.

Thanks for that good advice. I know you are right. Being that I don't have the disorder I think I had a hard time understanding because sometimes it really did seem to make a difference in how we worked together. I know that if I had the chance to do it all again I would try to leave the BP out and treat her with the sympathy and love that I have for her and that she deserved. And there were other factors involved, I blame myself for becoming weak. She once told me that I was her rock, but that changed because of finance problems.

[Skittles56]

You really need to think about the question of whether you want a bipolar wife. It's great that you don't think of her that way, but the jury is still out on whether the disorder can be separated from the person. It can go well beyond her being difficult. It's not like some kind of physical defect. You would be signing on to the roller coaster ride with the occasional stroll through Hell. It is said that love conquers all, but having a bipolar spouse will definitely put that to the test. There is no cure for the disorder. It's permanent and will only get worse with age.

What kind of bipolar is she? Is she medicated? If she's bipolar I with psychotic features (like me), you will have to be prepared for her to decide she doesn't need her meds any more and do something like emptying your bank account after running off to become an astronaut and then come crashing down and lay on the floor crying for hours at a time. The fact that she bailed out and disappeared is something you would likely have to be prepared for to happen again. You will also have to understand that the statistics on bipolar suicide are not good.

If you really believe that you can handle all of that, then by all means go after her and don't let anything stand in your way.

Just trying to bring some reality to the table.

[Arwen_78]

Originally Posted by Skittles56

You really need to think about the question of whether you want a bipolar wife. It's great that you don't think of her that way, but the jury is still out on whether the disorder can be separated from the person. It can go well beyond her being difficult. It's not like some kind of physical defect. You would be signing on to the roller coaster ride with the occasional stroll through Hell. It is said that love conquers all, but having a bipolar spouse will definitely put that to the test. There is no cure for the disorder. It's permanent and will only get worse with age.

What kind of bipolar is she? Is she medicated? If she's bipolar I with psychotic features (like me), you will have to be prepared for her to decide she doesn't need her meds any more and do something like emptying your bank account after running off to become an astronaut and then come crashing down and lay on the floor crying for hours at a time. The fact that she bailed out and disappeared is something you would likely have to be prepared for to happen again. You will also have to understand that the statistics on bipolar suicide are not good.

If you really believe that you can handle all of that, then by all means go after her and don't let anything stand in your way.

Just trying to bring some reality to the table.

Skittles56, I believe he feels that he has already answered that. He basic says he wants to be there for her and help her through the bad times. I mean as I read this and his replies and sounds like he is happy with who she really is. He loves the positive side and is willing to go through the bad side to have the good times with her. Isn't that what love is?

My ex. husband was depressive, it was hard on me. I stayed hopping that one day he would turn around and see me. His slight crazy ADD wife and help her but it was all about his problems.

[Arwen_78]

Originally Posted by raphael4

Thanks for that good advice. I know you are right. Being that I don't have the disorder I think I had a hard time understanding because sometimes it really did seem to make a difference in how we worked together. I know that if I had the chance to do it all again I would try to leave the BP out and treat her with the sympathy and love that I have for her and that she deserved. And there were other factors involved, I blame myself for becoming weak. She once told me that I was her rock, but that changed because of finance problems.

I once had a friend, we aren't friends anymore, who was told she was Bio-Polar. They medicated her and it made her worse, she stop taking them because of that. I was the one who was there for her as I was the only one she could turn too outside of her family that knew her before the diagnosis of Bio-Polar. We were both ADD/ADHD when we met in our teens. Her parents didn't mediated her while mine medicated me, she was jealous of that for a while.

Anyways, I had moved home from England when her life totally fell apart. I would go out and talk with her all night and once she ended one night being admitted to the mental ward. We had been out till 6am and around 8am that day her mom had called me because she was so scared I would stop being her friend. Just because she did what I had asked her not to be... last words because she left my house that night "Don't do anything stupid."

After that when I moved out of my moms again she had been living with her parents and was falling apart. I asked my boyfriend who I had just moved in with to allow her to live with us.

We let her move in and she lived with us just over a few years. I was the rock that time, then I became the reason why things were not good and I was hurting her because I was being to brutily honest with her on why things happened. She wanted the world to make room for her. Which we had and tried to help her. We kicked her out a few years ago, I haven't seen her since. Part of me is mad at her for making me do something I promised myself I wouldn't and the other is just mad at myself for being weak. It all just came to a head when she pretty much be littled the fact that we had allowed her to live with us rent free, not working and because she really had nowhere else to go.

I don't want to talk her again because as much as I wish to not hold anything against her... it just hurt me! I mean I did everything I could and know how to to help her. As much as I got tired of listening to things over and over again.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by Skittles56

You really need to think about the question of whether you want a bipolar wife. It's great that you don't think of her that way, but the jury is still out on whether the disorder can be separated from the person. It can go well beyond her being difficult. It's not like some kind of physical defect. You would be signing on to the roller coaster ride with the occasional stroll through Hell. It is said that love conquers all, but having a bipolar spouse will definitely put that to the test. There is no cure for the disorder. It's permanent and will only get worse with age.

What kind of bipolar is she? Is she medicated? If she's bipolar I with psychotic features (like me), you will have to be prepared for her to decide she doesn't need her meds any more and do something like emptying your bank account after running off to become an astronaut and then come crashing down and lay on the floor crying for hours at a time. The fact that she bailed out and disappeared is something you would likely have to be prepared for to happen again. You will also have to understand that the statistics on bipolar suicide are not good.

If you really believe that you can handle all of that, then by all means go after her and don't let anything stand in your way.

Just trying to bring some reality to the table.

it doesn't have to get worse. Not all of us spend like Greek government.

We can be difficult, but often it has nothing to do with our bipolar.

You are not bringing reality to the table. Stigma, your own self-loathing and false conclusion ain't reality.

[Skittles56]

I'm not saying that all bipolar people will act this way. I'm saying that if you don't know what you're dealing with, you have to be prepared for the worst. Note that I said that *IF* she was bipolar I with psychotic features, which is pretty much the worst case, that those are the kinds of things he needs to be prepared for. He said that one day she decided she was upset with him and disappeared. That may be due to a number of things, but it is also a familiar symptom of bipolar psychosis. It certainly sounds like there is a lot more to it than that she PMS'd hard one day and stopped talking to him.

[ultramar]

It's disheartening to see so much pessimism about bipolar disorder.

At the end of the day, there are tons and tons and tons of people out there with all kinds of issues (some diagnosed, some not, some diagnos-able, some not) who can and do wreak havoc on the lives of others (and themselves). People with bipolar disorder do *not* have a corner on the market of messing up relationships.

I am *not* 'bipolar' day in and day out, 100% of the time. And *I* am not bipolar. This is not my identity, it is a part of it, alongside a whole host of other things. And it does not determine how I relate to others all of the time, not even most of the time. Yes, any significant other would need to try to be empathetic and understanding when things go south, if it's going to work, but we are not helpless to this. At least not all of time. At least the rest of time, we can be responsible in our relationships, and are as capable of love, and being in intimate relationships, as anyone else.

We all have other 'issues.' These can be worked on. And who knows to what extent these other issues (our histories and all kinds of things) also influence how we relate to others and the quality of our lives. I don't believe anyone is 'just' (only) 'bipolar.' People are more complex than that. It's not just about some chemicals roiling around our brains. If it were only so simple.

It could be worse. There are a lot of psychiatric and physical illnesses that I *don't* have and am fortunate not to have. I don't think the research bares out that bipolar worsens with age. Un or under-treated, probably, but otherwise, I don't think so. With therapy, and getting a better handle on this and other things, I *hope* to be able to take less medication in the future.

I know it *feels* very bleak sometimes. And it can feel that it controls your life, determines so much. But when we're not in the throes of these kinds of feelings, we can at least try to hold onto the hope that there's a lot more to us, and to life, than the illness.

[IndieVisible]

I agree with ultramar above and would simply like to add these names or titles or categories we get placed in come from where exactly? Oh yea the mental health profession. In other words friends, bipolar did not exist until the mental health field identified it. Same with every disorder. Many people are often misdiagnosed and very often the mental field will change it's criteria even opinion, adding new disorders, removing some, and modifying some.

So at the end of the day what we worry most about is what we will be tagged. One could poetically say mental illness is created by the mental health profession

[Anika.]

Raphael, you said you found her very upset with you. What was she so upset about? Without knowing any details about the relationship between you it is very hard to give any advice or input one way or another.

[raphael4]

Originally Posted by Anika.

Raphael, you said you found her very upset with you. What was she so upset about? Without knowing any details about the relationship between you it is very hard to give any advice or input one way or another.

It has been awhile since I have posted here because I know it is true that no one can really help us without being involved personally. There were other issues:

I could not find work for awhile so I began drinking heavily. She tried to tell me this but I did not believe that I was wrong in drinking. I should have listened to her but I didn't.

We were together six years before this began. I have sent her romantic greeting cards once every two months and it has been a year now with no response from her. So I believe it is time for me to carry on.

I have put together a photo album of the good times we shared together over our six years and I will send it to her. Then even though I would prefer to keep trying if this photo album of good memories does not bring her back to me then nothing will so I must move on.
If there was anything I could say to her it would be this:

Dear Love,

I cannot say that I am sorry for what I have done to you
For if I was truly sorry I would have not done those things to you in the first place
All I can say to to you now is that I regret what I have done
And I would never do this to you ever again

---These words came to me while I was listening to a song by John Lennon the song is titled "Love"

[IndieVisible]

Originally Posted by raphael4

...but isn't it true of BP that she might stay away for awhile even a year without any contact but then try to re-establish later?

Sure that's possible, but it could be after she has been married and divorced a couple of times too.

I would not wait, you could be in for a long wait. Time to move on with your own life.

[raphael4]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Sure that's possible, but it could be after she has been married and divorced a couple of times too.

I would not wait, you could be in for a long wait. Time to move on with your own life.

I am. I gave us a year and even though I will always hope to hear from her. I am moving on...Thanks