Seeking advice and feedback about Bipolar and "Rages"

Hi all.

I am still in the infancy of my treatment and I was diagnosed with bipolar after only a short talk with a councilor. At the time, it seemed to me that was the correct diagnoses as the symptoms matched 80% what I was going though: Impulsive decisions, bad with money, extreme mood changes, high energy/not needing sleep for days, weeks where I sleep all day, audio hallucinations, delusions of grandeur... However, as time moves on and I learn more and more about bipolar, I am starting to think I have something else entirely.

The first indication of this is that my mood will violently shift multiple times a week, or if it is bad multiple times a DAY with me going from enraged monster storming around the house to a crying wreck on the floor within an HOUR. From the research I have done this would mean I have ultra-ultra-rapid-cycling bipolar which from what I have read is very rare.

Something else that bothers me is that if I have bipolar, I am very high functioning bipolar sufferer. Most of the people I meet in support groups can not keep a job due to their illness and are on disability. Almost all of them have been hospitalized at least once in their life because of bipolar. Some even have a hard time dealing with the world at large without proper treatment. This does not define me one bit. I have never been fired from a job. Every job I have had I made such a significant impact on the employees and the business as a whole, creating systems and workflow that are in practice years after I have left. In at least two occasions I have been asked to come back. This does not sound like anyone I know that has (untreated) bipolar and it makes me have my doubts. I also have never been hospitalized for any mental illness which I also find odd if I do have bipolar.

Another issue that I believe conflicts with the diagnosis is one of my worst symptoms that defies explanation: An out-of-body experience I have tentatively called a "Rage".

In another thread on here I described this event. I feel like I loose 20 to 30 IQ points during an episode. I do not think, I only react and I react violently often throwing things around and hitting things. I have destroyed a door, a $200 phone, a fan, thrown countless soda and water bottles, etc.) Anger is the only emotion I feel during these times. The anger is directed at my live in GF 90% of the time (I feel it is important to note here that I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED HER IN ANGER, and have asked her to leave repeatedly for her own safety and mental well being. She continues to refuse. As explained in another thread, if I leave she will have no way to support herself). After a "rage" I am tormented by the knowledge of what I have done and fall into a deep depression as the gravity of it all starts to sink in. I am scared by my rages, scared I will do something I can not take back. And the scariest part? I have worked very hard to stop these "rages" with very little success. There is a fraction of a second that I can catch myself and pull away from the ledge. However, that window passes me by quickly and I am rarely fast enough to catch it. These rages got exponentially worse after the death of my father. I do not know if it is related or not.

I have found hardly no documentation of of bipolar "rages" except for a few posts on this forum. That makes me believe it is something else like Dissociation Disorder which was briefly touched upon by my last pDoc or IED like someone suggested in another thread here.

Basically, I am asking if what I typed above sounds like the symptoms of bipolar to you guys. I really want a lot of information to give my new pDoc when I see him in March.

I know you guys are not pDoc's and can not give me any kind of diagnoses, however any insight you have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you all

I can't speak to rages except I met a man in my group who suffered from the same thing - less as a part of bipolar (which he did have) and more as a trauma reaction to childhood issues. Bipolar is an organic illness but we can also have all sorts of behavioral problems that are more like learned behavior or adaptations to trauma or other things in our pasts. I encourage you to seek therapy to help with the rage, as medication could help but therapy can help a lot more with behavior things like that. The man I met overcame his anger problem through intense therapy, not the meds he was on.

Now for the other issue - just because you are high functioning doesn't mean you can't have bipolar disorder. I often struggled with the same thought - it must no. Be that bad as I am able to keep a job! But that has nothing to do with it. I keep a job because I am a master at hiding my true feelings. I learned the craft from a young age. I have always had a lot of responsibility because of my mother's issues, and if I shirked them, it had dire consequences (such as my brother wouldn't eat because I hadn't made dinner). So even through my worst year, a year where I literally tried everything I could to kill myself without actually killing myself, I always pulled it together enough to work. Then, I experienced a remission if my symptoms for six years, which allowed me to work and go to college. I had episodes but they were mild. Last year when my symptoms worsened I still never missed a day beyond my paid time off until I was hospitalized. I hid everything from everyone, and I still do, though I don't have to work as hard at it now because my symptoms are better controlled.

I think you'll find a few people here who have never been hospitalized also, though I'm not among them.

My point is, I think, that you can't judge yourself against other people. There is an idea in this society that to be mentally ill means you are non functional. That is true of some people, but untrue of others. You can absolutely have BP 1 with psychosis as I do and still be a teacher, as I am.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Remember that whatever it turns out to be, a diagnosis is not a death sentence. Just another part of who you already are.

Having bipolar disorder doesn't necessarily prevent you from being able to function well in society, not at all. Most bipolar people I know have jobs, relationships, etc.

Rage can definitely be a symptom of bipolar disorder. Sometimes I've had terrible rages when I was hypomanic.

Hello, I have been diagnosed with BP as well. I get into what I call a 'rage' as well... I don't actually get to the point of throwing or hitting things (but I have iin the past). I did just punch my boyfriend in the face a couple of times a few wks ago though. I thought that maybe my diagnosis may have been wrong b/c I don't really get the 'feel-good' mania, I get very aggitated, to the point that my (now ex) boyfriend's breathing p****s me off. I feel like I hate the world at times. And in those times, I don't even want to be around myself or in my head.

Anyhow, although difficult at times, I have always held a job, since 15yrs old. I've only tried meds once (last yr) and went right back off of them a couple months later.

I hope this helped you @ least a little bit....

My bipolar rapid cycling 4-5x a day lasted over 20 years I've been bipolar fir 40+ years. An intervention of meds hospitals and shock treatment brought me out of my severe depression. I raged against my small children even to the point of almost strangling her but realized at that moment I couldn't do that and walked...ran away. My rages and depression seems the same as yours but I was a basket case along with past molestation at a very young age. The anger lasted over 20 years until my mom died and I stood on my grandfathers grave and orayed to God please forgive him for he knew not what he did. The shackles of guilt and anger fell at my feet and I felt free. Since that time I've had 15 years of stability with the ocassional manic or deoression episides. I saw things in the beginning as real as you are. I've been on meds for 40+ yrs. But the last 5 months I feel the hypomania and depression coming out. I know now how to identify symptoms and take action before it gets too bad. I was declared disabled by mental disease but have been so good for 15 years that I was able to work at my husbands business watch my gkids and become a better person. I don't take my bipolar lightly. I've ruined many relationships over the early years but unable then to stop myself. I've been hospitaluzed weeks and months at several times and twice spent a full year at different hospitals. You're s rare one please bee thankful for what you don't have. Too many points point to bipolar in my book. Be safe...be strong

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I can function with my bi polar but since i had a manic episode that put me in the hospital for 7 weeks my dr. does not think im ready to work right now and im on disability but that doesnt mean I wont ever work again, everyones bi polar is diffrent I hear of all these mood swings..which I dont have...I would have never even believed I was bi polar expect I had 2 manic episodes that were pretty wild...maybe u need some anger management also?

I have something similar. Very short outbursts of violence (punching something, throwing or kicking something, shouting) which can be followed minutes later by crying, withdrawal, fear, anxiety. While, mine seems to be intensified by starting new medication, I spoke to my therapist briefly about it. She thought that it may be a reaction to bottling up emotions, because if you bottle up your feelings they have to come out somehow.

My anger is usually aimed at a wall or a floor, but in the past (different manifestation but same idea) it would be directed at people I had anger or frustration towards but never said anything. Is there anything bothering you that you haven't discussed with your girlfriend? Maybe taking some time for reflection... and also trying to recall what you were thinking about before you have a "rage", even if it was hours before, may help! Maybe keep a journal of these thoughts for when you do see someone.

I work, always have except when having my kids. It's not an indicator of bp or not whether you're able to hold a job. Many aren't able to & that's very understandable. But even the bp description on this site says many go long periods without an episode and a lot of people don't even get the dx, or get it later in life. Sounds to me like you do fit the bp. And when I'm manic I can get so agitated & have rage issues, screaming even tantrum crying on the floor. And when in depression small things can set me off into rage or crying spells where I can barely breathe. Some say rage is not part of bp, but for some of us it is a big issue. I think therapy helps a lot. A plan for when you start to go "there" & the blood starts boiling, maybe go on a run, do a hundred jumping jacks, or hit a punching bag. I have a junk yard area outside where I can break dishes or chairs or anything ok-ish to break. Sometimes I rage yell at my kids when something sets me off. I've learned to go in my room and yell, come back when calmed down to apologize, no excuses just tell them it is not their fault and how I behaved was not ok.
Sounds like the relationship is really stressing you out, not good for your health. IMHO time to end it. But not rashly, take the time to really decide what you want to do there. Think long term. Is this just not the right time or right person for a relationship right now or is it something you think could be worked at & get better? You can't keep supporting her out of guilt and if it's detrimental to your health. If you choose to end it, you could give 30 days to find somewhere / someone else to live off of. In the meantime , when you're at a calm headspace , let her know that when you give the signal , she needs to go in another room or give your space to work out what you're going through. So it's like a game plan to deal to avoid hurt feelings,etc. until you figure out how to control it better. Some ideas, take any that might sound helpful & throw out the rest. Take care.