Is she Bipolar?

Hi All,

I’ve been reading all this stuff on forums regarding bipolar breakups and I have some questions. Thing is my ex-gf hasn’t been diagnosed with bipolar. She did have some trouble with drug abuse, 4 years ago and was hospitalized twice due to psychotic fits. She then pursued treatment (injections at first, then abilify).

Basically, my ex-girlfriend is 29 and I’m 10 years older. We dated up until last Jan for nearly 10 months (the entire phase from injections to reducing the abilify dose). I know 10 months is not much but due to her personality and us being constantly together it felt like much longer. It’s also been a rollercoaster ride, with wonderful and hellish moments. I do like her a lot. I won’t even go in what makes me tick, but let’s say I haven’t connected with someone on this level before as I did with her. Let’s say she’s my kind of girl and we met just when I was considering having a nice stable person in my life.

At first it was bliss, she did tell me about her past and I was fine with it (little did I know what would follow). We were on our 3rd month dating (she would sleep over quite often) when she wanted to break up because she had met this guy (her teacher). Reason: she did like me but she felt it wasn’t a passionate love. We managed to talk things over, went for a nice holiday at my parents beach flat and, guess what, a week later she couldn’t even remember him.

Then she moved in to my flat. Not my choice (I was planning us moving together in 3 or 4 months time) but one day she had a fight with her mother (she still lives with her mother and doesn’t have a job) and asked me to move in. She was crying and very very nervous, so I thought, what the heck, let’s do this, let’s move in together.

From day one she revealed herself to be not much of a housewife, but I’m kind of OCD and I do like to cook, so I took all domestic duties upon myself – would tell her off at first but then I just gave up. All that mattered was that she would find a job so she could join in the bills and we could build something together. I did think at the time that having a job and a routine would do something for her and us as all she did was spend time on facebook.

Needless to say I would pay for everything. I also managed to get her out of a legal problem she had and that caused her a lot of stress this one time she was reducing her abilify again.This was 5 months ago. At this same time she meets this guy online and they have a date for a cup of coffee. Couple days later she wanted to break up with me. Reason: “all relationships end”. We talked it over. Week later, same thing. She goes clubbing with him one night and doesn’t even get home (her mom’s, not our place) till the next day. Break up situation again. Reason: “you shouted at me over the phone because I wanted to go out with a friend of mine”. We talk it over, again. All sorted.
So all fine until a week later. I was working, she calls me saying she would be late. I immediately realise what she’s up to. Long story short. She breaks up with me. For good, she says. She’s very nervous and anxious at this point. Says she’s not sure if she’s doing the right thing, but still wants to break up for good. Very emotional goodbye where we pack all her stuff and I drive her to her mom’s. I say I love her and I will help her in case she needs anything but it’s best if she doesn’t contact me ever.

Couple days later I miss her so much that I ask her to come back and find out she’s with this guy (the online guy). A mutual friend tells me she seems to be all happy and loving with this person. She says she’s deeply in love with him. Then she stops answering my calls or text messages. Two weeks, me sending texts and she ignoring. Then, following her mother’s advice I text her asking if she wants to marry me – I know, spare me, I can be pretty impulsive myself at times and anyway it was something we had discussed before. So, guess what? She calls me saying “Yes”.

Eventually we meet and have a chat where I say I forgive everything (I honestly did as I used to be pretty messed up at her age): the lying, cheating, the drama. I’m just happy to move on. She cries. She says she misses me and she will break up with this guy. She also asks me crying: “why did you let me break up with you?” I find that hilarious, still I am so happy to be with her again that I just try to lighten up and get her to see the humour in the situation. She smiles.

So now the plan is that she gets a job so we can start thinking of building some sort of a family together and eventually get married in a year or so. Guess what? Two months pass and no job- she still spends all day on Facebook talking to anyone who gives her all the attention she constantly seeks (no sending CVs, nothing). She barely showers, smokes like a chimney (same as me), never cooks, never cleans. I go to work every day and when I get home she’s in the same place logged on to her Facebook. Sometimes she even forgets to eat. Ah, ok she made the bed once – sounds crazy but I was so proud she had made the bed, without me asking her to at least make the bed. And she did cook once, out of the blue.

At this point I stop saying anything regarding job hunt. I’m there for anything she needs, from drawing to music (she’s the creative type). I help and support her with love and understanding. I even manage her to get some money through that legal suit I told before and by doing freelance design work for one of my contacts.

So New Year’s Eve, money finally in her bank account, she breaks up. Reason: she says I don’t plan to marry her and have a child, anyway. I try to explain that maybe one day, when I could have been more depressed and a bit stressed from work I may have said something about being hard to put a child in this world, with this current economic climate. Also that the fact that she doesn’t work nor plans to work, doesn’t help. But that was one day. A gloomy day I had. Excuse me, Miss Me, Me Me (apologies for the irony it’s just so you understand how I felt at the time).

She doesn’t care. She’s made up her mind, so it’s better for us to be just friends.
To be honest, I am so exhausted at this point, that I let her do her thing – pretty sure, in a day or two she’ll get back to me.

As I said earlier, when we started dating she was on Abilify 20mg. Since then she’s been reducing 15, 10, 5. She was with me the whole time and I have witness the changes in humour and the anxiety attacks (a couple of times she even mentioned she missed taking drugs to help her out). Hence the reason why this time around I let her do her thing and don’t beg her back. She’s now on 5mg and I’m pretty sure this is due to cutting back on meds. I don’t want to stress her even more. Let’s see what happens, I think to myself.

What happens? Eventually, she starts dating this guy (again the online one) and moves in with him to his parents (about her age, jobless, also the creative type, smokes ash).
As much as it hurts me, and worries me, I force myself not to chase her, so I don’t stress her. A month passes. I take her to her final appointment with the doctor, where she is discharged from abilify.

I haven’t spoken to her since then (nearly a month) apart from the occasional short text saying I miss her, to which she barely replies. Today I got a message from her saying we should have a coffee one of these days.

So there you go. The thing is for some reason I started reading about bipolar and I can relate to a lot that’s been written by users in these forums, regarding breakups. I can see a pattern here, but I am not a doctor, so I keep questioning myself if this is just a very twisted wishful thinking (please do not take this the wrong way) on my behalf, so I can make some reason out of all this madness. Put it in other words, maybe she just doesn’t love me and I have found this bipolar thing to ease the pain.
To me, the constant attention seeking, the laziness, the not wanting to work, the creative peaks, the out of touch with reality, the delusions of grandeur (I haven’t told half the story, for the sake of our privacy), and this inconsistent behaviour, might be a sign of bipolar. But who am I to tell.
Is this just a generation thing? Is this bipolar? Is this the getting off abilify? To be honest I don’t really know anymore.

Would like to hear your thoughts.

Thanks in advance and apologies for my broken English.

Regardless of being bipolar, the way she treats you is not okay. You need to respect yourself more than to let her treat you that way. If she were to say she wanted you back tomorrow, you would do it. Knowing that she is going to pull the same stunt after some time passes. You need to walk away.

Relationships are hard enough when things are "normal." Add in the roller coaster ride of being BP and you have a lot to deal with. I was married for 20 years married at age 21. I know for a fact at times I drove my wife crazy with the ups and downs. My BP was fairly mild, so I was able to work and have a solid career. The worst was the depression....I could not even function.

I had my first major depression at age 16, another at 21 and again at age 30...never got help or treatment....just got through it. My wife convinced me to get help and I did, meds and tons of talk therapy. Took about a year before I was diagnosed with BP.

A few observations:

1. You have to remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. Folks with BP can put others through hell. It's not intentional in most cases, its what we live with. This is why meds and therapy are so important.

2. If you want to take the journey you have to remember that her past behaviors will more than likely reoccur (you have to be prepared to accept it if you want to have a relationship).

3. You might want to pick up a few books on BP if in fact that is what she has. Books about living with someone with BP.

4. Folks with BP usually have a very difficult time accepting the fact that they are BP, so she has to be willing and committed to doing the work. The only way to know for sure is if she get a proper diagnosis. Many of the behaviors you have describe sound a lot like BP.

Best of luck!

Hello,

I wish my Spanish were as good as your English!

First and foremost I am quite familiar with what you are going through and my ex-husband would say that reading your account of the relationship is like looking into a mirror. One thing I've learned in the 20 years of dealing with mental health issues, if the patient doesn't believe anything is wrong or doesn't believe they need professional help to start feeling better, nothing will change. The change has to come from her. It was very difficult for my ex-husband to watch, but there was not much he could do. Every time he tried to help I verbally abused him even more. I realize this will be difficult, but you will have to let her find her way. I suppose it would be OK for you to mention briefly that you would like for her to see a doctor that can make her feel better. But don't elaborate. It sounds like you really care for her. Please don't rescue her every time she calls. If you are concerned, you can stay in the background and if something really serious happens like going to jail, you can bail her out, but continue to keep your distance until she agrees to see a doctor.

You mentioned she was on Abilify. I AM NOT a doctor but I have taken that drug and found it to be too strong and it made me crazier than I already am. I'm pretty sure you have the same privacy laws in Spain as we do here so you would not be able to talk to the doctor who prescribed the Abilify why he prescribed it.

Once she asks to go to a doctor, she should see him alone for a while. Once the doctor feels there is some stability he will want to meet with you alone to explain what your girlfriend is going through. Eventually you may go in together and talk about how her behavior made you feel and vice versa.

I feel for you, just like I felt for my ex-husband. Many times I purposely magnified what I was doing to cause my ex-husband even more pain. My mantra was "If I'm miserable, you will be twice as miserable".

The good news is I saw the light and the benefit of seeing a therapist. It took a while, but the doctor finally gave me a cocktail of medicines that keep me stable 99.99% of the time. The bad news is that my marriage did not survive as husband and wife. But today we are best friends and I know if I need a kidney he would give me one and vice versa.

I'm sorry I cannot tell you whether your girlfriend is Bipolar or something else. I hope my long response gives you some comfort in that you are not the only person to experience what you are going through.

Please stay in touch and if you would like to PM (personal message) I'm available to talk and/or listen.

I'm sorry to hear about how you've been treated, and I wish you all the best. Your ex-gf's behavior might be the result of any number of psychiatric disorders (from BP, borderline personality disorder, depression, ADHD, etc.) or life circumstances (trauma, abuse, etc.). Only a professional doctor who is seeing her in person can diagnose her, and even then, misdiagnoses are possible.

She is an adult, and the fact that she is suffering cannot be used as an "excuse" for the fact that she needs to be responsible and get help. You may care about her, but she is responsible for herself, and you are not her caretaker. Does she regularly see a psychologist AND psychiatrist? It sounds like she needs a dedicated, responsible professional team to help her (i) sort out her life and (ii) become more responsible for herself.

With behavior like this, it might be a good idea for her to start off by seeing a psychologist. He can decide whether your ex has an underlying mental disorder (or some other source of problem), and where to go from there. Regular therapy is critical. The fact that she had a psychotic break is indicative of some kind of long-term problem.

I'm not saying that you should get involved with her treatment -- she has parents and herself, and she should be able to rely on those sources. You should not feel responsible for her in any way, or guilt-tripped into sticking around for her. Your ex clearly understands that she has a problem, and it's her own responsibility to get help at this point.

I wish you the best, and I hope that you find some peace and comfort.

I will give you the short answer ......Don't be her doormat .. You deserve better. Whether she has a mental illness or not its no excuse to be this way.