[lostloser]

I'm 52 years old. My wife thinks I'm bipolar and she may well be right. I've never been normal. I've never been consistent in my feelings. I oftentimes in hindsight regret things I've said or done.

As an example of how crewed up I am, somehow, I've managed to make a good living. I'm smart. People like me, at least at first, so I've been able to blow up 6 figure jobs and land another one just based on people thinking I'm good. Right now I'm President/CEO of a company and I wasn't even looking for the job. But..

Even though I should feel good about being able to find a job, I don't. I always think that either the company is going to fail or I'm going to get fired for poor performance. We have some money saved, but I constantly stress over finances. I never think things are going to turn out ok.

With my kids I'm brutal. Whenever they compete at something, unless they win it's never good enough. Wen I try to help them all I do is point out their mistakes. At the same time I'm crazy proud of them.

With my wife, I've turned someone who truly loved me into someone who hates me. Even though I love her with all my heart, I treat her like crap.

Like I said earlier, I've always been unstable. I've never felt normal. Sometimes though I become extremely unstable. Depressed to the point I don't get up or even eat. All I want to do s go to sleep and not wake up.

I've noticed these extreme periods come every so often like some sort of cycle. I think I mainly notice the big crashes, but my wife sees the smaller, more frequent, cycles too. I can see now it's been this way for a long, long, time. Maybe 35-40 years.

Ironically, even though I've held upper mgmt jobs the last 15 years, I smoke a ton of pot and have for a very long time. Like in, just about every day for at least 30 years.

At this point I don't even know where to begin. I want to save my marriage but I'm not sure my wife does. I've hurt her so bad for so long. I want my kids to be proud of their dad not embarrassed or hurt by me. If I can't achieve these things then I'd rather be dead really. But I'm so screwed up and my whole life is so screwed up that I question whether or not it can even be fixed.

I just don't know what to do

[BipolaRNurse]

First of all, welcome to PC! We're a pretty friendly bunch, and there's nobody more supportive than the people here because we all know what each other is going through.

Naturually, we can't give you any sort of diagnosis because none of us are doctors (I'm a nurse, but I can't diagnose anybody either). What you've got going could be bipolar; however, you need a mental health professional to help you sort things out. And believe me, it's not the most unusual thing to be diagnosed late in life; in fact, I myself wasn't diagnosed till I was 53 even though I have a fairly serious course of illness going on.

I understand what you are saying when you talk about living a successful life. I have had a good deal of success myself---when things got tough, I just sucked it up and pushed on through. Then I'd have a breakdown of sorts and quit, or get fired, but I have ALWAYS landed on my feet.

You and I both came from a generation of people who didn't really talk about mental illness. There was a lot of shame involved (still is) and our issues, if we had them then, were usually ignored. So we bumped along through life, knowing that something wasn't right, but unable to put our finger on it.

My breaking point came two years ago, when a combination of life crises pushed me past the limits of my endurance and I had my first serious manic/psychotic episode. My primary care doc, who'd been prescribing antidepressants for me for over a decade, gave up on me and said he was sending me to a psychiatrist after I reported being frightened of myself. I'd had a screaming fit at work, slamming doors, hollering at the top of my lungs that I wanted to kill something. It wasn't enough to get me admitted to the psych unit---I settle d down some---but I did get in to see a doc pretty quickly.

Even though I had an idea it was coming, it floored me when he diagnosed me with BP not otherwise specified. (It's since changed to BP 1 due to the severe manic episodes I have on occasion.) But it made sense, and suddenly every odd thing that had ever happened in my life made sense too. It took me a long time to accept it, but it is what it is, I can't get rid of it, so it's best just to take my meds and attend my appointments and do what I can to minimize the episodes.

Bottom line: Get thee to a psychiatrist ASAP. You can ask your primary care provider for a referral (that will usually get you in sooner). If you're lucky you'll get an awesome p-doc like mine; if not, feel free to get second and even third opinions. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone; in fact, it would be best NOT to disclose if you do get diagnosed with bipolar (or anything else for that matter). It's none of your employer's business, none of your friends' business, none of ANYONE's business but yours and your doctor's.

I wish you the best in your pursuit of better mental health.

[Victoria'smom]

The psychiatrist will probably have you detox first just to be able to DX you properly. As pot and constant withdraw because of high tolerance can mimic bipolar. There is a lot of severely bipolar that have high functioning. Please see a therapist and a couples therapist and a psychiatrist. Meds may make it harder to "land on your feet" but may save your family.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm not saying you should do this but I just wanted to share that your story is very similar to a man I went to group therapy with. He spent years ruining his relationships with his family due to a severe anger problem that was related to but not caused by bipolar. He went to a residential mental health facility (destination hope in florida) and came out a much stronger man. I'm not suggesting that's what you do but I wanted to tell you it is absolutely possible to turn your life around even if you're already in your fifties (he is 49). I can't say that it's possible to save your marriage as I don't know how your wife feels about that. But even if it's not, it is possible to let her go and move on with your life.

i would at least seek therapy if you don't want to go the meds route just yet.

[wing]

In your shoes, the first thing I would do is see a psychiatrist, get a diagnosis and go from there.

The second thing would be bite the bullet and decide whether you are truly addicted to weed or not.

[bumble2u]

Sorry you are struggling so.
What caught my attention:
With my kids I'm brutal. Whenever they compete at something, unless they win it's never good enough. When I try to help them all I do is point out their mistakes. At the same time I'm crazy proud of them.
I struggle with my kids, but please be aware they are kids. and probably seeking your approval like crazy. I know you want the best for them. Be gentle if you can. Personally speaking, non validation from parents makes for one unhappy bunny.