"I Am So Embarrassed...."

Hi everyone. I just looked at my first post from yesterday's overnight hours and after having had a night to sleep on it I'm embarrassed. I sounded like detective Sgt. Joe Friday from the 1960's TV show "Dragnet" who was always saying, "Just the facts, ma'am."

I didn't share any real feelings and hid behind the "facts." To be perfectly honest I feel really fearful right now. After I became really dangerously (toward myself only) mentally ill in the St. Louis area my dad talked me into moving near him here in Arizona. I had just come out of a 22 year marriage and didn't know which end was up. I read one time that marriages with a newly diagnosed bipolar partner have a greater than 70% chance of failing--I proved that right.

My mom died in 2001 and it was just dad and me out here after I moved here in December 2005. I met my wonderful wife the following year. She read everything about bipolar disorder she could get her hands on and decided I was more important to her than my diagnosis. She is one of the bookends in my life. My father is the other and my "higher power" is the shelf.

My wife and moved 1 mile/five minutes from dad and my stepmom in 2007 at his request as he wanted to help keep an eye on me. Sometimes my bipolar takes me into dark and dangerous places. He surprised me the other day by telling me they're moving across town. This was after he told me they would stay in this community right by me for another year or two.

I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. It felt like he was ditching me. I feel afraid. I don't like driving--it really stresses me out. I used to take an anti-anxiety med to handle driving when I first moved out here. I don't anymore since a friend of mine got a DUI for being in an accident and they found this in her blood at the hospital.

So, now what? I've really become dependent on dad for feedback and help in making decisions. I mean, I'm so afraid of making wrong ones I just sit and worry and don't make any. I hate that I used to be able to make snap decisions and now I'm afraid to make them.

Yea, fear is a big deal for me right now. My "12-stepper" friends say that "fear" is merely "False-Evidence-Appearing-Real." It feels pretty real to me though. I'd been ignoring dad's calls the past week. I know he does care as he calls every weekday to check up on me but until today I couldn't handle it. And even today I ran the phone call through my mind for an hour before I called.

I've been ruminating for hours each day about this move of theirs. I've spent days rehearsing the call to him. I don't like living this way. Stuff never used to bog me down before I was diagnosed with several mental illnesses. I'm not bitter like I used to be. I'm just more sad now than anything.

It's a done deed to I'm going to have to adjust to his moving. I did tell him though that right now the new house is not "safe" in my mind. I don't go, because of my PTSD, anyplace that feels unsafe or a possible trigger. So I don't know what will happen. I just know I'm afraid and I hate feeling that way.

Anyway, thanks to those who've read this. Do any of you have insight into how to handle feelings of abandonment by a parent? It's all new to me. Wishing all of you the best....

Hello!

I feel your pain.

Have you shared your thoughts of abandonment with your psychiatrist? Are you able to tell your dad how you feel? When is your dad moving?

Talking about your feelings is very constructive. You are not alone here. There is no reason to feel embarrassed.

I can understand while you feel abandoned. Do you think that your dad may now feel you're safe since you have a great wife to depend on?

Hi bluekoi...it was good to hear from you. I briefly shared my feelings/fears with my psychiatrist at our last meeting--I had just found out about the move. I see my psyc doc monthly so it will definitely be a topic for a while to come.

I talked on the phone with dad last night. I was really freaked about telling him how I really feel. I had been rehearsing the call and ruminating about it for a week or more. It was very strained. His favorite line is: "I know you don't remember things so/but...." Therefore he claims I knew they were moving--it's all so traumatic for me as that's his typical response when I disagree with him about something. Ggggrrrr!!

I'm not sure exactly when they're moving. It's nuts but they now own five homes. Three in Georgia and two in Arizona. They're going to sell two in GA and one in AZ.

I don't feel better having talked to him. I just need time to deal with it. With their having bought the second house in AZ it's "a done deed."

I feel better knowing you and others care. Wishing you well.

Hi MagicsMom...It makes me feel better that you understand. When I struggle like this I feel bad that my wife bears my burden alone. I've told her about getting involved here and how I'm hoping to learn better coping skills and such and make new friends. She is glad I'm scrunching up my courage and jumping in.

You know, that's a good question about whether dad feels I'm safe now. He knows my wife always says to me--"I've got your back covered!!" Dad may feel safe now. However, it's still going to take some time for me to process it through and deal with it. I mean, after all, it's "a done deed" as they've already bought their second home in Arizona.

Thanks for caring. Wishing you well.

I hate when people say I don't remember because of my illness - that's so frustrating!!!! I feel like I need to carry a tape recorder around!

You will definitely make new friends here and get better coping skills - you can count me as your first friend here

I'm so glad you have a wonderful wife! Having a supportive spouse is so important. My husband rocks.

Feel better and pm me if you need anything - and never be embarrassed here! Everyone here is great!

I'm so jealous you live in AZ - that's where I want to live with all my heart!

I get how you're feeling. Have you talked to your Dad to find out why they're moving to a new house? It might help you to know their reasoning behind the move.

Hi A Red Panda...first off, I really like your signature line quotes, and secondly, I really appreciate you taking the time to read what I wrote. Your question is a really good one. His reasons are valid because of health concerns. Their current AZ home is 3500 sq. feet and two floors and they want one floor and to downsize. So, their new AZ home is one floor and 2100 sq. feet. It's the same thing in GA. The second home there is three floors and 3700 sq. feet and the new one there is one floor and in a gated community which appeals now to dad. I know it's a lot smaller than their other two in GA. He just turned 80 and was in perfect health until he developed some breathing problems in the past year which were diagnosed as emphysema.

I'm clear on their reasons for moving. My problem with all this is the fact that he wasn't truthful with me. He tells me they're not moving for a couple of years and then five days later he calls excitedly and tells me they put a bid in on a new house (which they did end up buying here in AZ). What infuriates my wife and me is that his stock answer when I challenge him on something like this that he wasn't forthright about is, "Well, you know how your memory is and how you forget things." It just drives me nuts when he does this.

Yes, as with many people with bipolar and other mental illnesses, my memory is horrible compared to what it used to be. But his saying he was moving was something I would remember! It's maddening to have him chalk up my feelings to just a poor memory.

I told him that I now felt the new house was "unsafe for me" emotionally and I couldn't see myself going there. I've had panic attacks and the hyper vigilance of PTSD too often in the past and I'm not willing to go anywhere that will retrigger those feelings and thought patterns. I told him that's just the way my brain reacts and his not being truthful with me and making me feel "ditched/abandoned" makes it hard for me to imagine feeling safe in their new home. I feel like what rug will next be pulled out from under me.

My wonderfully supportive wife is right--I've just got to forge forward. But like I told her I just don't know how to talk with him next. Do I pretend it never happened? Do I just never talk about it? It just seems so weird in my mind when I think of next seeing him. He's having cornea transplant surgery Wednesday so I've got to call Tuesday. What a situation. I just hate stuff like this...it really tears/wears me down.

You are so kind to care. Thank you. Wishing you well.

I think when he blamed it on your memory he was being inauthentic and invalidating, and at the same time undermining his relationship with you. He needs to reconsider his response, even though the complete truth may have been awkward for him to tell you.

I would carry on like that conversation never happened. This always can be readdressed with him at a better future date. I would support him specifically in his surgery. IMO that is all you need to be concerned with at this time. Keep focus on the part that you can handle the best.

FWIW

tucson