Request for help/suggestions

Hello everyone,

I joined psych central because my wife was recently diagnosed as being "high functioning manic depressive with rapid cycling". Her mother was either schizophrenic or bipolar, we are not really sure. Last year, my wife began what we now understand to be a manic episode, which included her getting into financial trouble, work problems and online highly charged sexual interactions. With one online relationship, she fell in love with the guy, who lives in Cairo, Egypt. She took off to Cairo right before Christmas, coming back at 2am Christmas morning, only to berate me for not wrapping the presents sooner (we have a seven, five and four year old). She left saying that she was going ot tell the guy that it was over, but then couldn't go through with it. She has said throughout that she is in love with two men. She was diagnosed in January and was put on latuda and effexor (she had been on wellbutrin for years). About a month ago she told me that she was feeling very close to me and her next sentence was that she was thinking of going to Egypt again. She acted on that idea recently, letting me know with about ten days notice that she was leaving for eighteen days and expected me to take care of the children again. I am OK with that.

I have read a lot about Bipolar disorder (so far, it has been hard to get Susan to read anything), and understand that it can take a long time for a family to recover from a manic episode. So I am taking it very slowly and trying to appreciate any improvement (eg. she did the laundry for the first time in about ten months, without being asked). We live in California, far away from family. I love Susan and our children dearly, and the last thing I would want is a divorce.

So what suggestions do you have? If you are bipolar and can relate to Susan's situation (she genuinely appears to be in love with two people), do you have any advice for me? If you are the spouse of someone with bipolar disorder, have you ever had an experience like this one and how did you handle it? (She's in therapy, now has a good psychiatrist, I am in therapy and we are in couples therapy together).

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas.

Joseph

PS. Not sure whether to put a trigger icon on this post, so I am glad it will be moderated.

I cheated on my ex husband during a hypomanic episode. That's not what broke us up, but it was one of a series of events that ended the marriage. Anyways, I felt like I was in love with both of them, but the sexual energy with the guy I was cheating with was so intense that I couldn't stop myself from acting on it. He was like a powerful magnet. I felt guilty while doing it. I would sit in my car afterwards and cry, t I couldn't stop myself from acting. My husband figured it out pretty quickly, and things were very difficult. Finally, my husband and I took a week off work and flew to the Dominican Republic to repair our marriage. I remember swimming around the resort pool crying. But mostly the trip was good, it healed us a lot. I am responsible for my actions, but I would not have done that if my mood had been stable. Hypomania or mania will make a person do reckless, impulsive things. Your wife is lucky to have a husband like you who is so understanding.

You have small kids. They're watching their parents emulate the way relationships are suppose to be. There relationships will emulate what they see. What would you tell your adult children if they were in this situation? What if she brings home an std? What if she becomes pregnant?

Honestly I would do a trial separation closing her access to your income. Currently she needs a lot more help then she's getting. All of you need therapy, this includes your children. She may need hospitalization, partial hospitalization, or intensive out patient care. Until she takes her illness seriously you can't let her walk in and out of the kids lives because of her illness. Another option is can ask her for her passport and only hand it back to her after you guys talk to the marriage counselor .

Be prepared for "the crash" when she sinks into depression. Its going to be a deadly one. Everything she can use against herself to prove how horrible she is she will. This includes current events.

Make things as easy as possible for you. Your going through a tough time. Cook and freeze things so dinner and breakfast is easy for you. Try to keep the kids on a schedule so they have some stability. All of them are old enough for a sport like soccer that could help them get out frustration and energy that they can't verbalize.

It does take a long time to get over a manic episode unfortunately when your finally over it another hits. I have been in the same situation. I was given a choice between my husband and son or him. I chose my husband. Usually when we notice we cut all contact with that person. The problem is in mania the manic person believes all the marriage issues are due to their significant other.

You're a saint.

Once stabilized on the right medication, she shouldn't have the wild highs she's experiencing, or the suicidal depression that follows.

Hats' off to you.

God bless, my friend.

Sounds like you are doing most everything you can for her. These manic phases and the impulsiveness that comes with them can last for a long time - even with meds. Sometimes we just have to ride it out. Have you and your pdoc explained to her why she is doing these things? That could help her be more cooperative with getting help and treatment. Good luck!!!

Joseph,

Most likely she is done having children - not because you already have three, but because her case seems severe and she is likely in needs of meds that would be teratagenic. So I would say, picking up on the risk of accidental pregnancy pointed out by Miguel's Mom, that Susan should either have a tubal ligation, or, have a Mirena IUD inserted. Both methods virtually guarantee that she would not get pregnant, and, both methods do not require her to exercise good judgment (unlike the Pill or condoms). At least you would rule out accidental pregnancy, which would be the last thing you need at present. If she has already been sterilized or is already wearing an IUD, then disregard this post.

I think MM's advice is as thorough as can possibly be, including a soccer outlet for the children's pent up frustrations. I just wanted to add that the risk of accidental pregnancy CAN be virtually eliminated.

I'm currently beating myself up for sleeping with someone during a hypomanic episode even though I am not seeing someone officially.

I think that you're being very awesome for understanding that sexual mistakes are not the end all to a relationship.

I think that it's good to let her know that what she is going through is not easy and to be understanding, but to express personal responsibility. Sometimes, we use our illnesses as crutches.

I wish I had understood better when things first started to go badly, more than a year ago. She gradually started withdrawing from the kids and myself, and then started doing nothing but texting. She would leave a room to get the kids' clothes for example, and twenty minutes later I would find her standing in the other room just texting away. I reacted very badly, not even thinking for a moment that it could be something not quite under her control. I criticized her at every turn, and made her feel terrible. Then when in the early Fall it all came out and I found out about the sexting and the guy in Egypt and all that, it suddenly clicked into focus for me. We immediately stopped fighting over petty things and I gradually ended up doing all the housework and taking care of the kids.

I wish there was a way to get that time back, but there isn't. I've been telling her that, if she decides to come back to being in a monogamous relationship with me, I am only looking for a chance to rebuild. Each time we get a little closer, it feels like we might be on the mend, but then she will say something like "could you get him a visa to work in the US?" and I am devastated.

Thank you for telling me about this. As far as I can tell, Susan genuinely feels in love with both me and the guy in Egypt. So she can be really torn up about the situation, which is entirely of her own making. We've been married fourteen years and I guess I am the boring option at this point and, at the moment, she is just straight up unwilling to do anything other than what she wants to do, even if it hurts people she loves.

I think that waiting for her is really my only option. I even talked to a divorce lawyer in the Fall, when she was at the height of her mania, sexting left right and center and lying to me about it. But just the conversation with the divorce lawyer made me see that that was not the road I wanted to go, and there would be time enough to go there if I have to. I would not divorce her if she were terminally ill or had Alzheimer's or lost or job or whatever, so why divorce her for something that she has little control over (as far as I can see)?

Miguel'smom, thanks for these suggestions. We are all in therapy and the kids are seeing a counselor. They are relatively unaware of the situation, in that they have often seen Susan go away to visit her family and they don't really know she is in Egypt.

She is 47 and had a tubal ligation with the last child, so we don't have worries about pregnancy. STD yes.

When you say you were given a choice between your husband and son or him, do you mean that your husband gave you that choice? I've been trying to think of ways to say something like that without it backfiring. Susan can very quickly do things that hurt her own interests if she thinks someone is trying to force her into a choice.

Thanks. I am not sure what a pdoc is? At the moment, she seems to be willing to accept that the stuff that happened in the Fall was mania, but that the thing with the Egyptian is something different, true love I guess. If she weren't saying at the same time that she really loves me too, in a way it would be a lot simpler.

Susan is 47 and had a tubal ligation with our last child. We went years thinking she could not get pregnant, and then had success and had three in a row very quickly.

I am seeing some pent up frustration coming out in the little guy, who is hitting me and his sisters at times. I like the soccer idea, as he likes soccer. I just have to figure out ways to get that into the busy schedule. The two girls seem to be doing fine, but they just started with a counselor so we'll need to keep an eye on them.

I am glad someone thinks I'm awesome! The way I think about it, our relationship of fourteen years was not built on sex alone (it would be weird if it were) and so why would it collapse based on sex alone?

The really frustrating part is that she will say things like "I don't know why I am doing this.." or "I am really asking a lot of you..." but those thoughts don't have any effect on her behavior. So she really seems to have separated herself from a sense of responsibility for her actions.