Newbie

Hey all.

I know you are gonna be probably judgmental. Maybe you will all think i am spoiled or anything. Maybe not. I have not been diagnosed with bipolar yet. In fact I am about to start therapy. It is not the first time I do therapy, as I have done for 2 years from 17 to 19. I am 23 now.. So I do have bad mood swings for the last 2 year, which are getting worse and worse. I had a major depressive episode in January which was followed by a hypomanic phase. This is when I realized that I may be bipolar 2. I do experience mixed episodes these last 2 years. In fact I think I have on since a couple of days. I cannot sleep. I feel irritable all the time, nervous, anxious, thoughts are racing through my mind, bad thoughts, even suicidal ones. I feel like a burden to those I love and I strongly believe they do not deserve seeing me like the piece of sh... I look all the time. Miserable and all.. An hour ago I went to the balcony and really thought about jumping off and giving an end to it. Only the thought of my dog prevents me. I was on some herbal stuff, st johns wort which kinda helped on the mood swings but i do not feel like getting it anymore. And anyway, I write here at the forum, cause it is unbearable. I know I should start therapy asap. But I am kind of denial. I know I have too but I am trying to keep it under control. Which is, well, not always successful. The hypomanic phase is something wonderful, like a shiny summer day, you feel so powerful, ready to conquer the world, so productive, so charming, you talk and talk and are the best to be around. But the darkness you fall into after that..

Hi welcome, I would call your insurance company to find out local therapist print this and give it to him/her.

Hi, tnx for replying. I will definitely call a therapist for an appointment in the week. As time goes by I am feeling worse today. It is practically suffocating. It scares me that I cannot control it. I try to think ''it is not you, it is just your brains who's playing tricks on you'' but it is over my power.

Hey all,

after a depression I had and almost killing myself by wanting to jump out of the balcony (i was standing there thinking of it, what kind of a relief stoping the pain for ever would be... but i did not jump, obviously.. my dog started whining when she saw me.. anyway she has kind of rescued me) a normal-hypomanic phase followed, in which i still am. I decided to visit the uni psychologist, i talked about my symptoms and gave me the number of a psychotherapist. I had my first session a couple of days ago. I felt like stupid sitting there and talking about me wanting to kill myself, cause i am really, really not in the phase right now. I talked to him about my insomnias, the book i started writing, taking up projects and classes like crazy and the thoughts racing through my head all the time and all... About my dad who has weird symptoms too... Unfortunately i did not mention other hypomanic symptoms such as spending $700 in the past 2 weeks (which is not me, spending that much on clothes in such a little time) or feeling euphoric all the time.. I mean, it was weird cause i really feel normal now, though i know deep inside i am not. Hypomania or whatever is a really good phase, as you already know. We talked more about my depressions. Well anyway, he cannot diagnose me cause he is no psychiatrist, however he believes I a have a mild manic-depression, probably BD2. I guess he is gonna send me to a pdoc soon, especially if i go depressive again. Next session in 2 weeks. Thanks for reading..

Why ever would we be judgmental? We're all in the same boat, or we love somebody who is.....that's why we come here. No one is judging you, I promise.

Yes. This is one of the least judgemental places you will find. These are good people here. This is a place you can say all the crazy **** in your head and know that everybody understands. Stick around here. See some professionals. You sound a lot like I did when I first realized something was wrong and reached out to a therapist who sent me to a psychiatrist pretty quick. But I did not really get that it was Bipolar. It was a hellish hellish time.

but

it can take awhile sometimes to get a psychiatrist app so if it is possible you might want to make an appointment with one.

You're safe here. Keep sharing. Welcome to our world.

Hi people!! Thanks for your comments!! I know you won't be judgmental, it was the depression talking. I really feel weird sometimes. I will probably be soon officially diagnosed and I am wondering if I should tell my best friend about it. People who have never been there, cannot understand. I am not getting mad at them, it is just so!! Even mom said ''i think it is just a phase''.. I could not tell her about suicidal thoughts (and almost actions).. but anyway, doesn't matter an more. Thanks a lot. We are here to support each other... Stay strong

I know, it is even difficult getting a therapist app!! Mine is again free at the end of the month...

that's sweet

Hey all again!

I talked about the case of me having manic-depressive illness, a mild one, as the therapist told me, to the guy I consider a best friend. Well he seemed not to believe I have it. He thinks I am no depressive but rather cheerful and all. Of course, I know myself better, he told.. Sure I am cheerful most of times when we are together, cause, when depressive, I choose not to be with anyone haha.. Anyway, do you get sometimes the feeling that people don't get you? Even if they are friends and say they will be there for you no matter what and mean it 100%, they don't seem to believe you may have some kind of mental illness?? Is it denial?? I can't explain it...
Love,
F.