Struggling

Hello,

New here -- recently diagnosed. In the last few weeks to a month, I have been really done...well, I didn't think I was at first, just lazy. Then my wife started say that I haven't been present. That I get home and I am a zombie and just wanna sleep or sit in my chair and stare at the tv...and slowly I can to realize I am depressed.

Now, I gotta say, I am a recovering alcoholic (just less than a year sober) and I think I am just coming to 'feel' my feelings again (first time in a long long LONG time), as in the past 20ish years I always covered them up with something, rather than feel them.

So, I tried really hard yesterday, after getting home and being initially depressed, to perk up and put on a happy face for my wife, as I know she is struggling with some chronic pains issues and lots of stress from my lackadasical behavior and her school and everything else to keep as I rot in my chair. I tried REALLY hard, but she said she could tell it was a fake enthusiasm and that made her feel worse.

I am on gabapentin that my pdoc thought would help me control my rages, a very low low dose, which it seems to do, when I get angry, I quickly get it back under control, but I am really struggling with work, my marraige, and general housework, basically everything feels like work, HARD WORK.

Thinking I might call my pdoc's office and see if I can't my appt bumped up earlier than the end of this month...something's gotta give, it's a very busy month and I can't be a zombie through all of it.

thanks for listening.

Might need a med adjustment, sounds like it is dumbing things down too much.

Yes, I agree. They start you off slowly on meds so they can isolate any problems that you might have with them. He may add an anti-depressant or something to help get you back going. I hope you get to feeling better real soon.

Yeah...I just called to see if I couldn't get in before the end of the month...no go...nurse if gonna call me though...*shrug* ... we'll see I guess... in the mean time, I guess do what I can with vitamins and working out...

Update -- picking up a Zoloft script tonight...we'll see if that helps.

F___ the meds for now. It sounds like a huge part of your recovery program is missing: psychotherapy. All the meds in the world, and those ridiculous AA meetings, are only a Band-Aid on a major laceration. You NEED therapy!

Yeah -- if only I could afford lots of therapy....eventually I will be able to do that.

It souds as if you are expecting too much of yourself ad too quickly. BP is a MAJOR big deal and it will take some time to get the hang of it. I also suggest therepy and many metal health facilities offer a sliding scale.

Your wife, while coping with her own severe problems, needs to give you some time and space. You both need to educate yourselves about this disorder-the library is your friend.

Contratulations on sticking with your sobriety. That you are not allowing your disorder to push you back into the bottle is admirable and you need to give yourself credit for that. Your control is exceptional.

Keep coming back here and you will learn techniques for coping and you will find great support from all of us that suffer right along with you.

And perhaps you should ask your wife not to be so hard on you. It sounds as if you are really trying to please her-that should be enough and she needs to can the attitude.

All the best.

I can't say she's been hard on me at all...she's trained therapist herself and can spot signs of depression in me, and me being reluctant to ask for help (I was raised if you have a problem, you figure it out...and not complain about it to others)...

My wife, on the other hand, has been nothing but patient and caring...this last episode of depression is like nothing i have been through before. But then again, at just a year sober, my previous episodes that might have been this bad were likely masked with alcohol, and false mania from ADHD meds I no longer take.

So, yeah, I have been to a couple therapy sessions, and intend to go to more, but I can only afford so many over a specific period of time. So, after I see my pdoc at the end of the month, I am going to make an appy to see the therapist on the way out...