[tomholly11]

Hello!!!! I’m looking for advice on the hurricane that has just blown over me and left a tail of destruction in its wake.

Sorry in advance for the detailed story line but I just thought it would serve a purpose and possibly allow me to understand what an earth has just happened to me and hopefully allow me some sort of closure with the help of individuals on here who have more experience than me in identifying the possible cause.

Here goes!!!!!

I distantly knew this female from some years back but didn’t have any kind of relationship, we just sometimes bumped into each other very randomly over the years as we live in the same town in the UK.

Back in early Dec of 2013 the said female my ex added me on Facebook, so as I knew of her I excepted her friend request and me being inquisitive started looking through her profile. It seemed obvious that she was having issues with her live in boyfriend of two years going on the comments and things she was posting. I didn’t immediately start taking to her until I noticed she was liking just about every status I had put up on my profile. I know another female who used to be best friends with my ex many years ago whilst at school she also noticed that my ex was liking my status and commented to me through a private message......... She also told me to tread very carefully as my ex in her words was extremely s catty, my friend also mentioned that my ex was rather wild back then and reiterated to me to be careful. I was intrigued to find out more about my ex so I opened up conversation with her. My ex in my own eyes was extremely attractive physically stunning. I did notice something rather odd about her posts that she always put a sentence like: I feeling happy today, Or feeling loved today or feeling sad/excited today after just about every comment.

Anyway over the course of a couple of weeks we start to chat most evening and started to tell each other our life stories, it became very obvious that she was having a difficult time with the live in boyfriend

Just a little about my background I have worked extremely hard to accomplish what I have achieved and I would regard myself very lucky to be financially secure with both my businesses doing rather well, I was previously married but got divorced 10 years ago, and since then have concentrated building my business up to were it is today. I would regard myself honest, above average looks, ethical smart in appearance and I take care of my health and well-being.

As we continue to talk on face book my ex mentions she’s is interested in purchasing some products that we sell in my business and we agreed that if ever she is passing to pop in and take a look, before I know it my ex is standing in my shop. Instantly I could tell we both had an attraction for each other and the flirting began. She whilst I was showing her some samples tried it on with me by that I mean she out of nowhere was standing toe to toe with me, I naturally backed away as im not into breaking relationships up and knowing she had a boyfriend I didn’t think it was fair to all parties involved. I then drove her to her grandmothers as my ex doesn’t drive, we exchanged mobile numbers and I said I would phone her to let her know the goods she had picked were in stock. She instantly was messaging me and asked if I liked her as she sensed that I moved away in the shop, I explained that she had a boyfriend and it wasn’t fair, my ex then went on to say I was right and she would have been disappointed if anything materialized from it.

My ex then continued to phone me and text me informing me a couple of days later that she has told her live in boyfriend she wants him out as the relationship has run its course and she didn’t want him any more, we for the next couple of days continued to text each other and agreed to meet up and over the course of the week these were the Red Flags that popped up

1, It seemed she was idealizing me from the word go
2, She informed me vaguely that something was wrong with her and that bad things happen to her or I would hear lots of stories about her, but that’s her life and she has to live with it.
3, She had a difficult childhood, Parents divorced when her dad caught her mum in bed with another guy, my ex went into further detail to explain that her mum has been married 5 times and has had endless relationships and she gets bored and moved onto the next, her mum is currently in a 9 year relationship but as my ex states wants out as he doesn’t show her enough attention. My ex then stated thank god she’s not like that
4, My ex stated to me that her and her mum both suffer from depression and anxiety
5, We had Sex on the second date, it would have been the fist but I declined
6, She oddly told me that she adores porn and acting it out but her ex thought she was weird and wouldn’t participate and asked me my views on it.
7. She said as a child she was passed from relative to friends to just about anybody that would look after her.
8. She used to take drugs, (coke) and frequently alcohol
9. She was very promiscuous from day one always sending me very detailed sexy messages on what she wanted to do to me
10. Her boundaries or lack of them, she has an 11 year old boy who whilst I was around lived on takeaways pizzas, McDonald, I never saw her cook once plus he was always tired at school because he wasn’t going to bed until 11pm most nights then sat on his ipad until the early hours.
11 she only has 3 friends 1 is a male around 65 years old (my ex is 32) she seems to meet up with him frequently for quiet drinks around tea time, the other two are females who she doesn’t see that often, she did inform me once that both of them are being physically abused or are in abusive relationships with their respected partners
11 My ex has no hobbies or outside interests
12 told me she hardly drinks but became evident she does like to drink
13 People that do know her seem to be chavy and not to be rude but the scum of the earth, and certainly doesn’t match her physical appearance.
14 she was very promiscuous from the beginning and the sex was out of this world as if she was the star in some kind of porn film
15 My ex told me that she is at the doctors most days but wouldn’t divulge why and said that she is on first name speaking terms with them and they all fancy her.
16 Her bother told me she would constantly phones him up in the middle of the night/early hours of the morning and ask him to help her get an ambulance as she was dying this has caused him to suffer from depression and anxiety for many of years.
17 She has virtually no relationship with her two brothers and her father who will not have a relationship with her because of the years of abuse she has dished out to them but the minimum contact they do have is because of her son
18 My ex texted me in the middle of the night once to tell me she was being attracted by people with cross and bows, I asked her if it was a dream and she said no she continued to inform me that one of them shot her in the back and now she is dead, I eventually got a response the next morning telling me she was OK.
19 She whilst I was with her would leave the front door unblocked all night to which I had to get a new lock and key as I was concerned about her and her sons welfare.
20 her brother informed me that my ex would pop out to get her son a takeaway and quickly go and have a couple of drinks in the pub until it was ready.
21. Her house was absolutely disgusting, the dog was urinating and fooling around the house but she didn’t seem bothered it had also ripped up the carpet, washing everywhere and pots in the sink.
22 She told me she has to have her mum visit most days or she will feel anxious and scared.
23. Whilst I was with her her mobile would ring huge amount of tests from her ex(I mentioned one night that I felt I was having a relationship with her and her ex because the amount of texts she was getting
24. her ex would show up at the house her response whilst he was on his hands and knees begging her back was to be stone cold
25. she told me she was being harassed by a man on face book when I asked her if she had been in a relationship with him she said no, but the comments he was coming out with suggested they either or was previously in one.
26 She was very secretive to where she was daily, she just seemed very shifty
27 it all seemed to good to be true, what she was saying to me, whilst driving one day I caught her just staring at me with a smile on ther face
28 She told me after a couple of days I was her sole mate and I was sent down from heaven to rescue her.
29, after a week to ten days was talking about marrying me having my children and moving in with me.
30 Whilst she was in a relationship with her ex her face book status was single looking for men I asked her why she never changed it and her response was she just never did
31 told me she was into Karma, has books in her house on the subject and other mental health books but I never saw her read any
32 every time in the evenings via mobile she would ask me to go onto Facebook to talk as the texts would eat into her credit, once on face book she wouldn’t respond for ages as she was talking to other individuals
33 She would send me random messages that didn’t seem right, I mean she once sent me a message saying of course I don’t mind meeting you it makes a change from other being drunk all the time, so I questioned her and said I think that was suppose to be for someone else her reply was I ever sent that even those it was on my from and sent from her phone.
34 told me that when she had split up or was on a break with her ex she had other relationships and then gone back to him I asked her how many times they had split up and she said too many times to remember but that she never cheated on him or had sex with anyone else because they had split or was on a break, one time they were on a break for the weekend to which she had sex with someone else then went back to him, I asked her if they was OK to do that and she said well I wasn’t cheating on him as we was on a mini break. Laughable!!!!!!!!!

Any way the crunch – After about four weeks into the relationship I noticed that she seemed to be going a little quiet on me it didn’t seem intense like it was before as that’s how she made it feel, she asked me if I would like to meet her and one of her female friends for a drink but asked me to text her nearer the time as she didn’t know where she would be. I wasn’t doing anything that night so agreed I tested her and she replied back some time later to meet her in at 8.30pm but to text whilst I was on my way as she didn’t know where they were going to be. I text her at 8.20pm and informed her I was setting off she replied and said meet her at a certain pub at 8.30pm I walked into he pub but she wasn’t anywhere to be seen so I got myself a drink and thought she was running late so eventually I text her at 8.40 to tell her I was in the pub she texted back and said she was on her way and would be a couple of minutes, she then warned me about her friend stating she was a mad head put a nice person. I waited for another 15 minutes and still no show so I text her again and asked where she was, as she only lives about two minutes away, she told me she was in the pub next door all this time and got carried away talking but she will definitely be two minutes as she is leaving to meet me now.......... she eventually turned up 45 minutes late with her friend, I was not amused and was about ready to finish my drink she she hadn’t walked in. Anyway I was a little annoyed with her and pulled her aside to vent my frustration without making it an issue, well the look on her eyes said it all it was like the devil had shown its true side. I was going to leave and thought well im here now I might as well have a good night, we continued to talk but I could tell from her expressions and mannerisms something wasn’t right, she randomly and aggressively started telling her friend that when we had a baby she wants the best gear for it the best pram and so on, then out the corner of my eye a saw this guy walk up my ex looked at me and said Oh no not him, he was already in the pub prior to my ex coming in as I had noticed him she continued to say she knows him well and he is a drug dealer and fancies her, I was then subjected to listening to him telling her he fancied her and loved her, she seemed awkward but ever once said this is my boyfriend, instead he continued to buy my ex and her friend a drink and talk directly in front of me. He would disappear then come back throughout the night and do and say the same things and of course buy them both another drink, then as we where at the bar a female walked past with two drinks in her hand and asked if I would open the door with that my ex became verbally abusive and very loud in her voice to her suggesting she was chatting me up and to disappear or she would beat her up, my ex then started looking at her friend to inform me that she was known for being hard and beating people up then telling me aggressively that the truth is coming out now. Her friend was also mentioning when she had to rescue my ex from all the drugs in her life and suggested she used to be in a bad way I continued to talk to my ex and asked her about his and she nervously looked at her friend as if she had dropped her in it and refused to admit she ever had a problem. We then continued to go to another bar and again my ex was back and forth to the toilet, when she came back she was giving the barmaid evil looks I asked her why and she said she was staring at me and suggested the barmaid fancied me but I never saw the barmaid do anything she then started to act very weird stating she owns me and that she controls me and I will always be owned by her. I took this behaviour as he being drunk so we finished the night and I walked her home only for her to be distant with me so I said my good nights and I went home. Then 6ap the following morning I received a text asking if I was awake, I replied yes …..... her response was to say she’s had another bad night and that im bang out of order for pulling her up I then over the course for several days was subjected the most horrendous and vile messages attacking every part of my existence and never once did she apologise for being late for an explanation to why. Did just kept reiterating that she trusted me and it was all my fault and that now she is a bad person these emailed continued for about 9 days the first one just as bad as the last one each making me feel guilty and she kept repeating I did this it was all my fault im the one to blame, I did retaliate back and said a few things I now regret saying but but her she was being over sensitive and was blowing it all out of proportion and to stop acting like a child, she then blocked me off face book. I have since received a couple of phone calls and texts which have stated “I Hun hows your day going” like nothing has happened and I have questioned why she was acting like this she then replies back verbally attaching me over and over again threatening that she will never speak to me again and its over and she never wants to talk or see me again. I then a couple of days later received a text from her ex asking if me and my ex ever had a relationship and he was demanding to know if we had ever had sex, I bluntly told him to ask her to which he replied that she originally was told by her that she was seeing me and was in a relationship with me and that we were actively having sex, then she contacted him after we split up to tell him she had lied and that we never had a relationship that she just wanted to hurt him. He then went on to tell me 2 days after we split that they are back together but he hasn’t moved back in as she is taking things slowly with him.

I did in a text tell her that I had spoken to her brother and her brother went into detail stating my ex has major Mental Health issues and just like her mum has had them for years but she is in denial and will not seek help he went on to tell me about all the things and trouble she has caused over the years and the visits to the hospital, well she went ballistic and said she didn’t believe her brother would say that and that it was in fact me making it up, I will not repeat what the dozens of mails that I received went on to say as they were the worst and most abusive emails I have ever encounter but basically she was playing me off against her brother to which I was made to feel that I was in a no win situation.

Since then I have been told she’s booked a holiday for later in the year is out buying new clothes and so on, in the pub at weekends and is also on a dating online site, after previously telling me that once she has been paid she has no money what’s so ever for the following month and she repeatedly made me feel guilty that she was in a poor financial position and I would never know how I would feel if I was in her shoes, by the way she never paid for the goods she purchased from me she gave me some poor excuse that her mum who is on a pension and her 90 year old grandmother was very worried because they would have to pay for it and had no money so I paid for it.

I know now looking back there were major flaws in this relationship but my experience in these situations have up until now been very limited. Every person I have ever dated in the past have all gone on to talk to me and at least to be civil with each other. I have been tremendously hurt by this experience and behaviour and at my wits end on how I allowed myself to get into this situation, for me its the closure that im struggling with the explanation to why, a possible diagnosis or for someone to please explain to me what could be the causes of her erratic and unstable behaviour.

I know im not a doctor or a Mental Health professional and I would never try and diagnose anybody but there has to be some kind of rationale explanation to this and what I have been through.

I have in the main managed to go no contact for about 2 months but its been hard going even for someone like me, so your comments and advice would be much appreciated

Once again I apologise for the length of my story but its the only way I could explain it all

[Victoria'smom]

I'll! Answer. Later sorry..

[gayleggg]

Sorry you had to experience this. I believe your ex has mental health problems, but not being a professional I wouldn't hazzard to guess the exact nature of her problem.

I know it can be difficult to deal with someone who has untreated mh conditions. Sounds like you were lucky to get out of such a manipulated relationship. Take time to recover. Let the wounds heal and they will, it will just take time.

[Angry1541]

Wow -- I think we dated the same woman...before I met my wife, I dated someone like this...except where your ex displayed aggression toward you, my ex would threaten to end the relationship...she didn't want to get too close. We had some good times, went out a lot, great sex, but she was always crazy ****, like taking a trip down AZ to see an ex of her's and posing nude for photos for him...(odd), and didn't see anything wrong with it.

Then suddenly one day, she just didn't want to see me....she just kinda fell off the face of the earth...would text me...would chat on the phone (sparingly).

After a couple weeks of this, I got fed up and said some stuff via text that I probably shouldn't have...and she broke it off.

A couple weeks later I am getting texts from like all is well and we should do something, when I ask if we are back together she said no....we're friends....I said I don't want to be just friends, she said let's see what happens, I said, I was done playing games, and that I was moving on....c-ya.

Haven't heard from her since....

[waiting4]

Tomholly11.........I agree you got out of it alive, with all your skin on, and most of your own emotions in tact. All to the good. Stay with it. She definately has some serious serious mental health issues.....but word to the wise...after about 6 of the 34 'red flags' I would have run like the wind. I commend you, your staying power.

Now stay with your decision to end it. Much less dangerous, and definately a healthier way to go.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm an advarage, hard working guy that has a mentally ill ex. Her former friend even warned me. She stopped by my business after talking for a while both liked each other. She noticed and texted. Started dating her a couple of days later. You did have sex on the second date. She knows somethings wrong with her and she had a crappy life and doesnt talk to her family because of it. She liked having sex but has a drug issues. Shes not permiscuous but hypersexual. I was not happy about the type of parent she was or her friends. Her way of having fun is sex. She denies her drinking problem. She's not well liked because of her behavior. She has many drs appointments. She has intense anxiety which harms her brother. Her house was unkeep. She still kept in contact with her ex that wanted a relationship with her. She didn't like shareing her day and wanted a serious relationship to fast. She may have cheated on me.
She started to be really distant and even stood me up because she got distracted. When I found her she was with another guy that was her drug dealer but she introduced us. She was jealous and easily aggravated that night.

The next morning she just hated me. She sent me horrible email for 9 days. Now she's acting like shes fine but aggressive when confronted. She's s still texting even after she got back with her ex. She knows she has mental health issues but refuses to do anything about it. She flipped out when I told her I knew about her mental health issues. She's over spending and she's known to do that.

^^^^^ I tried to summarize it.

what could be the causes of her erratic and unstable behaviour.

Any number of things: drug use, bipolar, scizoaffective, borderline or any number of things As her family has mental illness.

Her symptoms Hypersexuality, Drug issues,Anxiety, Hallucination that caused derealization, inability to keep livable surroundings,Lying or delusional, Easily aggravated and Over Spending all sound like mania. Which is hell on everyone involved. The things that don't fit are lack of interested and Idolization unless she's in a mixed episode. It sounds like if you asked her brother he would be able to tell you what her dx is.

However, here's the thing if she does have mental illness it has to be dealt with after she deals with her addiction. Neither addiction or mental health she wants to deal with so there's nothing you can do but walk away. She'll eventually learn to get help, eventually be sectioned or this mood will pass.