[almondjoy]

I've just started back on Seroquel for the first time in years. It's completely knocked me out and I've missed work for 2 days now. Now, I usually work when I'm sick and even when I should have been in hospital (they wanted to keep me in earlier this year because I was medium risk to myself), but my mum still seems mainly concerned about my job. I mean, yeah, I have a great job, but it just makes me feel like I can't focus on getting better because my job is more important or something. I have pushed through some of the hardest depressions and still been at work - I would just go into the bathrooms and cry when I needed to. I've put my health on the back burner for so long. Even when my grandfather passed away, I went straight back to work the day after I watched the undertakers wheel his body away because I felt I couldn't afford to miss work or lose my job (I then went completely hypomanic). I would say I'm thinking irrationally, but then I have my mum in my ear every time she knows I have missed a day of work for a valid reason, telling me that I have a great job I can't afford to lose.

As far as my boss knows, I was struggling with fatigue earlier in the year and had to have some tests done at the doctors (which after a bunch of tests saying I'm physically normal, I realised was my depression), so my work colleagues think I have a physical condition, they just don't know exactly what.

I don't really want to disclose to my boss that I have Bipolar because we work closely with members of the parliament and there has just been a big (very public) issue of one of them not showing up for work or parliament, he has been charged for contempt/fraud and lost his job after months of this happening. This member of parliament had also disclosed he had bipolar (although he feels he was forced to). And just the whole situation was bad. Now I am afraid to disclose my condition to my boss (Or have anyone find out) because Bipolar doesn't have a very good reputation right now and I don't want to be seen differently, especially since a lot of my work is confidential and needs to be handled with caution. And I am good at what I do.

I'm really not sure what to do. I want to get better. I'm getting to a point where I can't keep putting my health on the back burner or I'm afraid I might end up doing something irreversible. My husband works, but I have always worked as well. I just wish my mum didn't have such an influence on me.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? What have you done? Have you had to make a hard decision which has turned out for the better? Or made a decision you wish you hadn't?
Am I being irrational or overthinking this?

[venusss]

I am not sure I understand the question... what are you looking for?

And I gotta say, in this economy, losing job and doing the going to interview thing and possibly landing job that is shitier than it is... is not gonna help your health in any way. So I would try to kinda focus sufficiently on your work (just enough, don't overstress, but don't sacrifize it for sake of few weeks off...).

[almondjoy]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I am not sure I understand the question... what are you looking for?

And I gotta say, in this economy, losing job and doing the going to interview thing and possibly landing job that is shitier than it is... is not gonna help your health in any way. So I would try to kinda focus sufficiently on your work (just enough, don't overstress, but don't sacrifize it for sake of few weeks off...).

Hey, I guess I'm wanting to know if anyone else has gotten to the point they are struggling to hold themselves together (and I mean, I've been holding myself together at work for years now) but can't totally focus on getting better because they have other people in their ears when they do what's best for them or have time off because of something inevitable. I work hard in my job and I am good at what I do. I have pretty much built my life around it, but I'm starting to crumble..

I really feel for you. That politician has had a long record of unacceptable behaviour, to be honest he should not be in a position like that - he obviously cant handle the stress without it triggering his condition. Personally I am skeptical he even has bipolar, its only once he has done something really bad that he all of a sudden has a mental illness that excuses his bad beahviour. You are not overthinking nor being irrational, you are actually being proactive in trying to get yourself well before you get worse, well done.

It would be a bad time to disclose your bipolar. But is there anyway you could get stress leave without mentioning that it is bipolar related? Some people can get 2 weeks off stress leave from their GPs. If you really want to work at getting better perhaps you could find a 2 week inpatient CBT course or something along those line that will give you a rest from work and home life but have you focusing on being well in the long run.

Does this help at all? What problems would you encounter with a plan like this?

[almondjoy]

Oh my gosh Supanova, that really helps a lot! Thank you.

I actually only found out about that politician's Bipolar today when it popped up in a search I was doing (I don't know how I hadn't heard sooner!). I don't really think he should have been in the position either, but whether he has it or not, I'm just really really glad I saw that before telling my boss anything about my condition!

Thank you for your reassurance that I'm not overthinking or being irrational. It's just so hard when I feel like I can't put my health first without having someone (usually my mum, but also my husband and other family) voice their concerns about my job. It seems to be the first thing they say - that I have a great job I can't afford to lose. I don't think they realise that I do care about my job, which is why I've worked so hard to keep it - through sickness, death in my family, some of my deepest depressions, and hypomanias where I had almost torn my marriage to pieces, etc. It's been exhausting!!!! I honestly have no idea how I've held myself together in that place like I have. Even my pdoc said the other day that I've always been tough.

I think my struggle with it being my mum in my ear is because I do really value her opinions. She was the one who started taking me to all kinds of therapy when I was 8 (a children's psychiatrist, horse therapy, all kinds of things!), was there for my diagnosis, the times I've ended up in hospital etc, and overall, is the person who worked so hard to understand me and try to get me better over the years (it was my own fault for eventually rejecting getting help, and I will admit to that)..

That being said, I definitely want to get better now. I don't want to live like this. I can't handle the instability in my life, those close to me can't handle it either..but I don't want to be resentful toward them because I feel guilty if I do what I believe is best for me.

I think the stress leave is a great suggestion. My pdoc doesn't work today but I managed to talk to him this morning about the disabling effect Seroquel is having on me and my needing to work, and he said I can go see my GP for a Lamotrigine prescription.. So that's where I'm going this afternoon. I will discuss with him the prospect of stress leave etc. (My pdoc also said he can get me some time off, so I have that option too, I just don't know if that will make it obvious of what's going on haha)
If I do end up getting time off at some point, I think something like the Inpatient CBT course would be a great option. I hadn't even thought of that. It's almost what I need... I am going to start looking into that!

Thank you for your support Supanova!!!! I really appreciate it

[hamster-bamster]

Let me tell you what happened to me last week, and you can weave your own story from this if push comes to shove.

Last Thursday night, I caught myself Becoming obsessed with making YT videos for the first time. I made them for my daughters, who have been alienated by their father. I could not stop where I initially planned to stop - I wanted to make slideshow from their art, find music scores to match, etc.

I was glad that I caught myself getting obsessed on my own. I reported it to the therapist, who said that with this level of focus and determination I was nearing mania.

I went home, put all the art pieces I corralled earlier for the slide show in their places, wrote down my plans for the videos as scripts so that I would be able to return to them later, and went to sleep feeling proud that I nipped the problem in the bud.

Next morning I woke up with a migraine accompanied by nausea.

I have regular mograines whose most surefire trigger is dehydration and skipping meals. Both during my obsession and during that evening when I was dealing with the problem, I neglected to eat and drink.

The migraine lasted for three days during which I could not sleep at night.

Then I finally fell asleep and next morning got up at 7 feeling refreshed and happy to be pain free. I was doing some stuff when it started to bother me that it was so dark outside. 10 am and so dark.

Well, it was 10 pm. I slept almost 24 hours at a stretch. So it is pissible to be SO out of it that you confuse day and night. Quite possible after 3 days in relentless pain.

Another true story. Last summer I could not physically get up one morning. Not a depression... no sad ideation. Rather, I literally could not lift my head off the pillow. It was almost funny.

==> low blood pressure and very low thyroid.

These are non-mental things that happened to me and caused me to miss a party or a day at work.

Other physical ailments that have not happened to me - pernicious anemia; antibiotic-resistant UTI; chronic fatigue as you mentioned. Look for info on those and pick one or two you would use. Obviously, it has to be sonething without visible signs, such as a UTI and not a fractured arm.

Once you have woven a story to use when needed, you will become less anxious, and that may bring about such positive change that you won't be missing work and needing stories, after all.

[almondjoy]

hamster-bamster, at first I was like 'ok, what are you getting at..?' And by the end of it I was like 'you are a genius!'
I haven't been telling work anything specific, just that they were looking into what could be happening to cause fatigue, etc (My thyroid is fine, but I do have an irregular/very slow heartbeat which was being tested for a while there) so even after I was put in the all clear for that, I just didn't say anything about it and kinda let it become my reasoning for not being too well. It was just good timing because the week after I'd had some tests done for it, I ended up in hospital for an episode that was related to my bipolar. I didn't have to disclose my condition or make up any stories - people at work just assumed it was to do with what I had already been getting tested for, so I just agreed when they asked if it was related to that.

I just don't know how to not feel a bit bad about saying this if it isn't entirely true. A lady I work with is always asking questions (out of curiosity, I think) and thankfully I can be vague enough to still maintain everything and not give anything away. But I still can't help but feel kinda bad! Do you think it's ok for me to just maintain what I've been saying all along? Inside, that's kind of made me feel a bit more anxious because I know the truth, but I don't really know how what else to do....

Hi almondjoy! (I just love your handle)

While reading through this thread I think you have had some great suggestions and I have a few of my own.

First of all, good on you for realizing what is happening and trying to find a logical and rational way of doing what you need to do. You health, and that especially includes your mental health, MUST be your first priority.
First before you job, first before your family (And I think it was great that your Mom did all those things for you when you were a kid, but you're not a kid anymore.) But your Mom is not bipolar and as such, she does not fully understand what you are going through-that goes for your husband as well.

I do not believe you are being irrational in any way. Your illness is flashing warning signs at you and it's great that you can see that. Not everyone can. Now it is time for you to listen. I get that you love your job, but you must think of yourself FIRST. What good will it do you if in the long run you end up in the hospital? I was also going to suggest you take a leave of abcense but wonder if two weeks is going to be enough. Only you can make that decision.

I would advise that you DO NOT DISCLOSE! I think that might end up to be a decision that will come round and bite you in the *ss. Given the position you hold, they might surely find a reason to let you go when it will actually be all about your BP. I did to my boss and she spent the next five years using me as her floor mat, and it was the last time I was able to work out in the world. (I did work on the phone after that for eight years, but even then reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore.)
And if you have not noticed, and I am not trying to be dismissive to you in any way-that once you do tell someone, 95% of the time they will never look at you the same way again. In the back of their mind that crazy label is always going to be there.

The symptoms you are having give me grave concern. You have been so strong and have held up for so long but now you must think only of yourself, hon. Maybe you could respond to your Mom, or whomever, with something like this.

"Yes, I have a great job. I love it and appreciate that I have it. But now I am sick and must take care of myself, and my health has to be my first priority. I'm sorry if you do not understand that or agree with me, but if you truly care for me, you will help me. Please do not mention my job again or we might have to stop having conversations for awhile."

That might be difficult for you to say, but right now you have to protect yourself. I am also concerned that you are taking seroquel. There were hundreds of class action suits against the company that makes it because it causes diabetes. I have diabetes because of it. I was on it for ten years and for the last two, I begged my shrink to take me off of it. I finally went to the advocate and never had to see him again and the meds nurse was slowly weaning me off of it. When I started at the VA they put me on effexor and I am doing so much better. I can't tell you what meds to take-only what works for me.

I wish only the best for you and will put you in my prayers that this will be resolved in the way that works best for YOU. Please do not allow this to continue-it souds as if the weight of it is crushing your soul. You are a kind, intelligent and caring person and I know this because of your posts and because you have posted to me and have always been very supportive. Please take care of yourself and stop doubting yourseslf. BP is a cruel master but we can always fight back.

T&S

[BipolaRNurse]

I have been in your shoes, almondjoy, and I can tell you for certain that if you continue to make your job your top priority even in the face of illness, the illness will win. It happened to me a little over a year ago, and by the time I had my meltdown and went out on medical leave for 3 weeks, it was too late to save my job. I had struggled so hard to keep everything together, and I just couldn't do it anymore. My pdoc gave me the choice between going out on leave or being hospitalized---either way, I was going to take time off whether I wanted to or not.

It took me all of two hours to fall apart again when I went back, and I was sent home to await my fate. Two days later I was fired. It was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, because I was a physical and emotional wreck and I just didn't have it to give anymore. But I look back sometimes and wish I'd taken better care of myself when I started slipping down into near-madness; unfortunately, that's what I got for putting my job ahead of my health.

Don't make the same mistake. You, not your mother, know how you feel and how much you can take, and you're coming pretty close to the edge by the tone of your post. There's no need to disclose the nature of your illness; that was another mistake I made, although I didn't have much of a choice because I was severely manic at the time and couldn't really hide it.

Wishing you the very best. You know what you need to do.

[almondjoy]

Hey T&S and BP Nurse

I had a big response written up but then my browser crashed

I have taken on board all of your advice and am really grateful for you taking the time to post to me. You are totally right, I need to start putting my health first or else I will end up a wreck. Everyone around me knows how destructive I can become (my recent hypomania episode has left a bit of my life in shambles, to say the least), and I know that I need to look after myself more. Your story really resonated with me, BP Nurse, thank you for sharing that.

T&S, (and yes, there is a story behind my 'almondjoy' handle ) I agree with you - I don't think 2 weeks would be enough. I have talked to my husband about staying in hospital for a while if I needed to. He is supportive and knows that it would be much better for me to be there then by myself, in bed, alone all day - those are the times my mind can become very dangerous.

While I do love my job, I know that it is not the end of the world if I do need to take time off or even if I do have to leave my job.
I stopped the Seroquel because of the side effects and have just started Lamictal. Only on a tiny amount (to try avoid the renowned possible side effects) so that we can work up to how much I'll need. I know it could take a while, but I want to see how I go and if I need the time off, I know I need to just do it.

I feel like I have had a change of heart - thanks so much for your responses and support, it's helped a lot!


- AJ

[wildflowerchild25]

I know I'm late to the convo here, but I am in a very similar position. I am a special ed teacher and I have seriously emotionally disturbed kids. I love working there but some days the kids are so challenging I can't handle it. And I get jealous because the kids just flip out when they've had too much (throwing chairs/desks, cursing at me, calling me every name in the book) but I can't do that and I want to some days if my mood dictates it. Two psychiatrists have told me I should not be functioning at work because of the severity of my condition. My main pdoc has said the same thing Bpnurse said - take leave or be hospitalized. I "chose" hospital believe it or not. Basically I refused to take leave and she called the cops to take me against my will ( I signed a voluntary order after I realized I would not get my way).

This last time I agreed only because I was so paranoid I was terrified to leave the house and was making dangerous driving moves because I felt everyone wAs trying to hurt me. Spent six days inpatient and went back to work the day after I got out. My pdoc said I'm not giving myself a chance to recover.

But financially I am not in a place to take leave. My husband just came clean to me about his opiate addiction. He has had to quit his job because it was too triggering for him and he would have used. He's only two weeks clean. I took a week off while he was in detox but I had to go back. We can't both be out of work.

Over the weekend I have felt much more stable. Still a tiny bit hypo and very severe anxiety. I am Afraid my job is causing this instability. My bipolar was mild for six years. I didn't need medication. I didn't get manic (just hypo) I didn't have mixed episodes, I didn't have psychosis. All of this bull butter started when I got this job.

So I have no advice, just wanted to tell you I understand. I'm in a similar quandary.

[almondjoy]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I know I'm late to the convo here, but I am in a very similar position. I am a special ed teacher and I have seriously emotionally disturbed kids. I love working there but some days the kids are so challenging I can't handle it. And I get jealous because the kids just flip out when they've had too much (throwing chairs/desks, cursing at me, calling me every name in the book) but I can't do that and I want to some days if my mood dictates it. Two psychiatrists have told me I should not be functioning at work because of the severity of my condition. My main pdoc has said the same thing Bpnurse said - take leave or be hospitalized. I "chose" hospital believe it or not. Basically I refused to take leave and she called the cops to take me against my will ( I signed a voluntary order after I realized I would not get my way).

This last time I agreed only because I was so paranoid I was terrified to leave the house and was making dangerous driving moves because I felt everyone wAs trying to hurt me. Spent six days inpatient and went back to work the day after I got out. My pdoc said I'm not giving myself a chance to recover.

But financially I am not in a place to take leave. My husband just came clean to me about his opiate addiction. He has had to quit his job because it was too triggering for him and he would have used. He's only two weeks clean. I took a week off while he was in detox but I had to go back. We can't both be out of work.

Over the weekend I have felt much more stable. Still a tiny bit hypo and very severe anxiety. I am Afraid my job is causing this instability. My bipolar was mild for six years. I didn't need medication. I didn't get manic (just hypo) I didn't have mixed episodes, I didn't have psychosis. All of this bull butter started when I got this job.

So I have no advice, just wanted to tell you I understand. I'm in a similar quandary.

Hello wildflowerchild!

Thank you so much for sharing that with me (and sorry for my late response). I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope you're feeling a bit better...

That must be really hard at work for you. It sounds very stressful and challenging. I know America's employment guidelines seem extremely different to here, but maybe another job may be what you need. I know it's easier said than done.. I was in my last job longer than I knew I should have been and am so glad I got out of there.
My husband is a disability carer and I find myself sometimes really angry about/jealous of the people he looks after because he has more grace with them when they flip out than he does with me. But then, I can't imagine if it were me in his or your position and having to maintain my composure while they're flipping out..I really feel for you.

Also, I know that I'm not one to talk, but going back to work the day after getting out of hospital really isn't giving yourself to recover. I do the same thing, I just do what I have to do and am straight back at work. Sometimes I'm afraid that if I don't go straight back that I'll just end up in a million tiny pieces, so I just have to keep myself going.

I think our situations are more similar than you know - my husband came clean to me last week that he has been drinking again after 3 years of sobriety. It might not be such a big deal if prior to this he hadn't been incarcerated multiple times for drug and alcohol-related offenses, as well as breaking probation (by drinking) and ending up in a rehab facility a number of times (one of those stints was for 11 months). He truly believes that he is now able to drink without it becoming a problem again - which may or may not be the case, he hasn't been overdoing it - but it really hurt that he kept this from me for months, lied to me when I asked him about his drinking, where his money was going, and it hurt a lot that he said the reason he couldn't talk to me before he started again was because I wasn't well (although he knew exactly how I felt about his addiction in the first place, so it just seemed more like a convenient excuse). Maybe it's my fault. I don't know.

He loves me very much and I know he just wants to get through this.. But it is hard! His income can be pretty tight, so he's been really stressed about me being unwell and the talk of me needing time off etc...

I don't have any advice either - I guess I just want to tell you that I understand the stress of money, addictions, not being well, and still trying to function to some degree. I'm always here if you want to vent, talk, anything.

I hope you're feeling alright this week!!!

AJ xo

PS - sorry if this is a big post or anything didn't make sense, my head isn't in the best place at the moment!

[Lemonchapstick]

The magic words if you need time off work is that you have an illness that is cognitive in nature and is affecting your ability to perform your job. Then the doctor writes a note to this effect.

I totally feel for folks that need time off but can't get it. I need time off too but right now I need the money. I have a few days sick leave and some vacation, which I am hoarding in case I "really" need it ... I think I might need it ... doesn't matter how much I have used to date...