[Hbomb0903]

I wake or sleep but the undercurrent remains the same. What cosmic hiccup can cause a person to be living yet unable to live. Then I get angry at myself and try to motivate my actions in this manner... And now I'm just mad and empty. That's an awesome description of this state I'm in. Seeing my children yet feeling so lifeless breaks my heart. They deserve the mom they have had for stretches... Not this barely alive ghost of her.

Where is that switch??! The one that gives me back my life??!

Something has to give.

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[Angry1541]

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Those are daisies for you.... Keep on keepin on!

[Hbomb0903]

Just so sick of this apathy.

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[Hbomb0903]

I have to find a way to shift my mindset. My head is so toxic right now! I prayed hard tonight for grace. I feel I've been bitter and it won't help. Just for grace and for insight and acceptance. I'll add you all to my pleas when I ask again tonight.

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[Broken Robot]

When you find the switch, let me know where to find it, myself!

Hugs to you. I feel similarly. I wish I had answers.

[Capriciousness]

Oh I am so so sorry. I wish I knew what to say or do or advise. I don't. Just keep holding on. Don't you dare let go. Someday this part will be over and you will have what you had again. I know what you mean when it is like nothing matters and nothing penetrates it. I remember a couple of years ago after my big mixed I felt like that forever. At one point I felt like I had to retrain my brain to feel. I tried reading chicken soup for the mother's soul of all things! I was trying go back to my adolescence and what moved me then. I was trying to break into my soul somehow. Break into the real me. I think I tried to watch some sappy lifetime movies or something too. I don't know. I can't say that it worked. Nothing worked until it was over.

The hardest part is the kids. It is beyond horrible to feel like this with the amazing beauty and blessing of them in your face but you can barely feel it or see it. Now I'm going to cry. It is painful beyond belief. But you're still there! You're still with them! Just snuggle them and give them bowls of chips and watch a movie. They will think it is awesome and you can enjoy their presence. And if you do that every day who cares!!! There are no rules here.

And give yourself that little break that you love them so much that you feel awful that you are feeling awful because you want to be more present with them. Not all kids have a mom like that. You love them. Just let them know that.

This will be over someday. I am so sorry you are still dealing with this. Please hold on. I will ask for grace for you as well. Right now.

[Hbomb0903]

I really don't know what to do with myself. Some days I feel almost like I'm just kind of sad.... today both of the kids stayed home from school. One was sick the other is having problems with the other kids picking on him.

There is food, but not much. I feel like a child myself. I can't make myself really do much of anything. The SI I feel today is so strong and I just feel heartbroken. I have all this life around me and it doesn't even sink through.

I don't want to live like this!!! I hate myself and I hate this stupid world that makes me exist in it. And now I feel like I'm whining, but this feeling is so persistent. No one understands but you all. I try to tell someone in my outside world and I'll end up hospitalized for sure. I told my oldest son that the low feeling is back and said sorry but I just feel so lame.

WTF!!!!!!!!!! I hate this so much. I wish I could find a clever way to check out, you know? So it seemed natural. I don't want to traumatize anyone but I can't just keep existing like this???

I don't want to ask why so much, but why??? It's just not fair. Help me someone. And even as I say this I know that you can't.

Hbomb0903, my heart goes out to you and I know where you're coming from (not that either of those things will change your situation). I've been in a terrible bipolar depression for quite some time now. I do agree that something has got to give - - and soon! ((( Hbomb0903 )))

[Hbomb0903]

I'm so bored yet I feel paralyzed. Pretending not to be a monster. God I feel so dark. My head is just buzzing.

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[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

I really don't know what to do with myself. Some days I feel almost like I'm just kind of sad.... today both of the kids stayed home from school. One was sick the other is having problems with the other kids picking on him.

There is food, but not much. I feel like a child myself. I can't make myself really do much of anything. The SI I feel today is so strong and I just feel heartbroken. I have all this life around me and it doesn't even sink through.

I don't want to live like this!!! I hate myself and I hate this stupid world that makes me exist in it. And now I feel like I'm whining, but this feeling is so persistent. No one understands but you all. I try to tell someone in my outside world and I'll end up hospitalized for sure. I told my oldest son that the low feeling is back and said sorry but I just feel so lame.

WTF!!!!!!!!!! I hate this so much. I wish I could find a clever way to check out, you know? So it seemed natural. I don't want to traumatize anyone but I can't just keep existing like this???

I don't want to ask why so much, but why??? It's just not fair. Help me someone. And even as I say this I know that you can't.

Well we can be supportive. I don't think one of us have not been in your situation. A year and a half ago I felt the exact same way you did and handled things the same way you did.

I was so low that I couldn't even get off the couch. Got to the point that I could barely think anymore. There was absolutely no way I was going to the hospital, no way. my girls took away my medication and they rotated staying with me. I feel horrible about that.

It took a lot of time and therapy and drugs but eventually it passed. Afterward I had to learn to LIVE again. Life is better than it was but I have my days still when I'm just tired of the battle and make myself believe that my kids would be better off without me because sometimes I can be such a burden to them. That's the mind **** of this horrible disorder and I still say "why." You're not alone, keep reaching out, stay connected. We are here for you.

[fpc72]

I don't know of any way to help you because I am feeling the same as you right now. I wish I could save all my bad days for when I'm old and alone (or working lol) I had a terrible day even though nothing bad actually happened. All the pain I'm feeling is being masked as well as I can. Absolutely breaks my heart to feel so empty when my kids are so beautiful and sweet and loving. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Even though I know I love my boys, I only feel sadness because I feel so cold. I know I will regret these days that could have been great but weren't because of my 'mood'.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you because your post made me feel a little less alone.