What its Like to be Bipolar

So its 8:30pm on a Friday night and I am wondering what people might think of me if they new the truth. What I am beyond the smiles and pretenses. No one knows about me. Except my close family and my friends here at PsychCentral. Oh yes of course, my therapist. Who makes total sense, but its so hard to listen to what I “should be doing”. He has this theory about the brain. “The brain likes routine. Whenever you want to affect change in your life, the brain will come up with a million excuses of why you shouldn’t do it”. Maybe that’s why its so hard to get up off my fat butt and walk.

However, the biggest question is how do I tell a potential mate what I have? The answer is simple. They will run for the hills and never look back. I am well aware of the stigma bipolar people get. You’re automatically crazy. Someone shoots up a school, they are assumed to be bipolar. Someone attacks their ex-boyfriend, they were assumed to be bipolar. Someone calls and texts you a lot and are obsessive, “that chick is bipolar”. I have heard and seen it all and it sickens me to my core.

I am unbalanced. I know it and I feel it. Do I drag other people down with my emotions or involve other people in my personal drama? No. A big N O. Just because I am bipolar doesn’t mean I am a danger to society.

I used to watch the people in the “Day Program”. Those people scared me. They were so unbalanced you can see it, and hear it. I am very much coherent. I am aware of all that goes on around me. And I am sad. Sad about what I’ve become. Sad that I have been labeled this “thing”. This horrible thing that people use to describe someone that is very undesirable. I don’t want to be labeled bipolar. But I am. God help me I am.

Which brings me to online dating. How many people you think you are talking to are bipolar? 4.4% of people in America have bipolar. That may be a low number but considering how many people there are in America, that’s about one in five people. So you could be going out with a person that has it. Does it scare you? I often wonder about these guys I am talking to and going on dates with. How much do you think it would scare them to admit that I have bipolar? You know the answer. I know the answer. No need to sugar coat it. Don’t take into consideration that I haven’t had an incident in 7 years and I am high functioning. Just judge me for my outbursts of anger that I have had due to a guy disappearing for several days and me saying “screw it” I’m done. Really those disappearing acts fellas are really annoying. Get your stuff together. And because I am upset about it, doesn’t mean its because I’m bipolar. Get over yourself.

Anyway, my drinking brings out the bipolar even more. I shouldn’t be drinking because I am meds. but it helps. It helps to numb the pain. So here’s to everyone struggling. Hold up your glass and say “Cheers! Eff the World!”. I want to not be afraid of what I am. I am a social pariah. People whisper when they know you have it. “Look there goes the bipolar girl”. Well screw them, and everyone else.

I am tired. Just so tired. Someone pass me a drink while I go ahead and wallow in my bipolarness. Maybe its not that bad. I guess I should just go on with my life and leave it to be my dark secret.

To all those that are ashamed I understand. To all those that are afraid, I understand. And to all those that are hiding. I totally understand.

We are one.

We are crazy.

We are bipolar.

How do you deal with your malfunction?

I am lucky enough to have a husband who "gets it" & meds that work. Took 5 years to get the right combo of meds. I was 46 when diagnosed, so suffered a Lot. Marriage of 27 years has survived ups & downs. There are people out there who care & are kiind. I'm in 3 writing clubs & those people are great. I've told a few & nobody has judged me or made me feel weird. In fact, one revealed that she has bipolar disorder! Things will get better for you!! Don't give up on people.

PlatinumHeart, please don't wallow in all of these negative thoughts. The main thing is to keep working with our mental-health professionals so we can be as stable as possible.

Of all things, it was years after my hubby and I were married that we both got diagnosed with bipolar. He told me when we were dating that he had noticed he could be very busy and active for awhile, but then he would just crash. And he did have one down spell during our dating time. But I didn't put it all together. We have been married over 25 years, both see psychiatrists and therapists, and are hanging in here.

My opinion is that your diagnosis isn't something you need to spring on a date too early in the relationship. Let him see your good qualities and then see if it looks like things might get serious. Other folks might think differently, though. This issue might be something to talk to a therapist about.

I think my math is right, so if 4.4% of people are bipolar, then that means just a little over 4 people in a hundred. Is that right, other folks?

Hang in here, dear one. Life as a bipolar isn't anything I would wish on anyone, but it can be managed and doesn't have to ruin our lives.

Yup, your math is right. If it's 4.4%, that's a little over 4 out of 100. But according to Epocrates, the lifetime prevalence is 0.5% in men, and 1% in women. That's a pretty reliable source, so I think it's more like 1 out of 100. Regardless, it's not a lot of people.

I am also doing the online dating and trying to navigate when or if to tell people. I have decided not to tell people unless things are becoming serious. I feel that it's a secret that I am keeping, which I don't like, but at the same time it's nobody's business and I don't want them to make assumptions about me without knowing me first. I only want to be with someone who accepts me with bipolar, but that's not the first thing I want them to know about me. It's hard not to tell people though because it is such a big part of how I relate in the world. I try to sense whether they at least have an understanding of depression or adversity, because if they have never been through anything in their lives I don't think we can relate. But that's hard to figure out too, because I can't just ask somebody if they understand despair on the first date, lol. So I'm still trying to figure it out, and dating a lot, but still single. It's frustrating and I don't have any answers.

I would ask if any two people on the planet exist that are "normal" and have no baggage. I know of none. Its no different with bipolar. Just because you suffer from it doesnt mean you are like every other person with bipolar.

For me, my bipolar is part of me. It does not define me, rather it limits my capabilities. Me Living within those capabilities is what others see. When I go too far I crash, when I am manic I work, talk, eat , spend.

To me, when I dated my second wife, it was my caring yet crazy personality that initially attracted her. I didn't hide who I was, nor did I spread it. To anyone who cares, they can see "it - the bipolar monkey" that sits on my back. Don't worry too much about bipolar holding you back, use it by enjoying the highs and riding out the lows.

If some one is attracted to you...let them come along for the ride....they'll soon decided whether they want to stay on or jump off...in the meantime be true to yourself and let them discover who you are....monkey and all

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Very interesting insights! And thank you for keeping this thread alive. I was just talking out loud with my experience, and I did get the math wrong. It is like 1 out 100 people, not 1 in 5.

I'm glad some of you found mates for life, and Curiosity77 hang in there. We will find someone to accept us one day.

Hugs everyone

Four months into dating my husband, I told him I'd been hospitalized. June 30th, we celebrate seven years of marriage and nine years of being together. He didn't run.

Sometimes we are judged and it's thru ignorance that we are. Bipolar is a word to describe what you are going thru, it does not define who you are.

Well after 2 failed marriages and a lifetime of bipolar craziness, I'm staying single thanks, I'll just screw it up anyway.

Couldnt agree with you more...very well said (my wife always tells me I use too many words )

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I love your honesty, because your thoughts were my very thoughts on this early path to recovery from bipolar. We all want to be accepted by others whether it's a significant other, relatives, employer and co-workers, and so forth - but the bitter truth of it is that we will most often become the victims of prejudice and mistreatment.

In earlier posts I advised everyone to "tuff up," but received some sharp criticism back. Instead, try to become indifferent to the stupid ignorance and cruelty of others. While that's sound advice - it's as hard as hell to practice.

I only disclose that I'm BP1 to those who are important to me and need to know in good time. While others may suspect that I'm crazy at times - I do not provide them with any material evidence to support their suspicions.

Incidentally, I've always believed that we BP's love fluid change. I find routine makes me very, very uncomfortable.

AND I DISAGREE WITH TRAVELINGLADY - I DO WISH THAT I COULD DUMP THIS AFFLICTION ON MY ENEMIES!

I understand your plight. I don't know if you're still around because this thread is pretty old but I don't wish this on anyone. It's hard enough for me to deal with.

Sometimes that statement of "toughen up" is a bit condescending to those that are truly suffering.

I was lucky this time. My husband can deal with my bipolar and other MI as long as I can deal with his MS and depression. After 5 years, it seems to be holding out.

I don't tell the world. I have a hard enough time being judged by my appearance, weight, and age.

I've succumbed to the fact that I'll never have another relationship, at least not an intimate one.

The experiences I've had in life with other people...you know after you've had an episode and everyone decides you are crazy and dangerous ( even though you've not ever hurt one person) I've come to the same conclusion justjace has.

I too am worried about being able to find a good man who will be able to cope with my BP/PTSD. Most would run. The men I do find are much worse off than me with mental illness and the relationship would be very difficult. e.g. current guy I am friends with grew up in a violent household filled with MI and was on the streets by 16. He hasn't had a job since he was about 18 either so is very dysfunctional. Still, he gets me and we are very close friends. He has a girlfriend anyway so it is a hypothetical.

Thought of dating websites but what do I say when they ask what I do apart from work/study super-part-time? At some point I would have to explain I spend almost 4 months of the year in hospital most years. Who would want that? I feel so disheartened. Friends say I am a catch due to my personality and intelligence but you have to find someone who will accept the rest. Right now I am benched. Maybe in a few months I will think of dating but I need to recover from this episode.

You bring up so many good points, LadyShadow. I was recently reflecting on how my therapist brings up many good points about changes I need to make, but it is so much easier said than done. I know she means well, but sometimes I feel she needs to meet me where I'm at. I guess I'm glad she doesn't sugarcoat it though. Maybe I need to keep hearing it.

As far as friends go, I tell some that I am BP, but it's hard to get them to fully grasp it. I don't like how there's so many misconceptions about what Bipolar is. So many people think everyone Bipolar treats others like crap all the time. Sure, I have my days where I'm irritable, but I treat everyone with the respect they deserve. So many of us are compassionate people (probably more so than the population as a whole, I'd go as far as saying), so it can be so irritating and further leaves me feeling isolated and misunderstood. There's still so much stigma.

As far as finding a partner, my mental health issues (and my ex, long-term partner's mental health issues) affected our relationship. Now, he's trying to win me back and claims he will be for me no matter what, but he's done things to trigger me, and I want to move on and eventually find a healthy relationship. I do get scared of others not wanting to accept me and my baggage from having mental health issues. I want to stay single for a while though...I simply can't deal from the pressure and need to figure out myself.

My moods are far from easy to deal with. I fear I'll never find happiness in a relationship sometime, although one time long ago I had it, I feel it unraveled and will continue to do so. Will anyone truly stay by my side and mean it, for better or worse? I wouldn't want to re-enter a relationship until I'm emotionally capable of living up to my end of the bargain though. I know I need to have hope though. Right now, I'm just casually dating someone who I've known for a while only here and there, which is perfect for me since there's no pressure, and he needs to work out his own personal issues, but I know that's not the man I'm supposed to end up with. I need to figure out myself and take care of myself before I can possibly be ready.

This thread is from June of 2014

Sometimes it's nice to see them brought back

You both have A LOT to offer. It is so sad that when we finally accept what we have and who we are we think we are meant to be alone forever. I, too, am in the same boat. I would never want to put any man through this. I am lucky to have my best friend who will probably be the one I would grow old with.

Perhaps find a long term friend that's a guy, (like I did) just to keep you company? I mean it's all I could hope for at this point.

You bring up some really good points too Raven! I have to say I agree with you on most of what you were saying, and actually I think its an excellent idea you have someone who you just date casually. I think its really healthy that you know what you want and you know what you are capable of giving right now.

As far as the stigma goes it's terrible. People throw around the term "bipolar" WAY too much. I hate it. Someone has road rage "oh they are bipolar" someone knocks in to you and they get angry, "oh they are bipolar" basically its the cop out excuse for most people when someone is "acting out" or getting angry. It is so infuriating sometimes, and it really makes it hard for me to open up and branch out and let people know I have bipolar.

Yeah, it was in my "Subscribed Threads" section, I was revisiting some of my old threads and thought it would be nice for it to be brought back, you know for some new people and fresh perspective.

I think it's a great thread !