[crazycatlady_83]

My birthday is on July 4th, which was super cool when I was younger. Now, for the past 5 years or so, it's been a huge depression trigger. Family, like in-laws or my own mother, make plans on my birthday and don't spend any time with me at all. I realize it's a holiday in the summer and it's way more fun to go camping with friends, drinking and pretending to be in your 20s again, but they never consider my feelings and how much it hurts me. And my stepmother-in-law is one where it has to be all about her, so if I approach them she'll spin it around to be all about her. This year, my mom is going on an Alaskan cruise and has to be in Seattle on the 5th...so she's going to spend the 4th packing.

I always have high hopes of having all my immediate family together for a BBQ and fireworks, and it never happens. Last year, it was too hot for my grandparents to make it and my in-laws spent the day with her family (step mom-in-law). Never even attempted to come see me on my birthday. Why do I take it so personally when nobody wants to spend time with me on my birthday? And not just me...my in-laws missed my husband's birthday and will miss my oldest son's birthday because they just HAVE to move in her daughter because she just HAD to move to San Diego to go to community college there...we're a few hours away from there.

Sorry, I just needed to vent and have no other place to go. I figured maybe some people would understand why I'm so sensitive about my birthday and what it does to me. I guess it's like family not having time for us or not including us is a trigger of depression for me. Like they really don't want us around or we aren't good enough for them. I also have no idea what to do on my birthday. I'm trying so hard to see the positive in it and make the most of the day without them, but it's really hard. It's about all I can think about right now.

[glok]

Hello, crazycatlady_83. Do you plan something for your husband and son on their birthdays? Do they plan something for you on yours? Your family needs to know you would like to be remembered on your birthday. Even if no one else will be joining you, I hope all in your family can look forward to being acknowledged on their birth anniversary.

[crazycatlady_83]

My husband and boys are always there for my birthday, and I always plan something for theirs. It's parents and in-laws that are the main problem. It's like they always put themselves first and my sister-in-law because my father-in-law and his wife can mold her into what they want better.

[gruvingal]

I think the most important thing is don't have unrealistic expectations of yourself and especially others. If that is what always happens then don't have the expectation that next year will be different. Make your own plans! My birthdays used to SUCK because of my unrealistic expectations. I would depend on another person (usually and unreliable man) to make my birthday wonderful. Then when they didn't come through (got stood up on my 16th, 21st, and 40th) I cold blame it on them, but I was still miserable. Now I do what I want and I don't expect anyone else to be responsible for my Happy Birthday. Your family now is your husband and kids. Don't let the rest of them ruin it for you. Get together with friends or have a family outing. Life is too short to depend on others for happiness!!!

[gruvingal]

By the way, my youngest brother's birthday is the day after Christmas.

[crazycatlady_83]

I just don't think having family and maybe a few friends get together for a BBQ and fireworks is unrealistic. That's what they're doing anyways, just somewhere else. Well, except for my mom, who has to do laundry and pack all day. She actually said she hopes it doesn't take all day. Family is important to me for some reason. I like having all my close family around me. I love when we do birthday or holiday get togethers and all the family is there. So it just hurts that no one wants to do it also. It just feels like they don't care about me.

I know I should see my therapist about this, but we don't have the extra money right now. We haven't even paid our mortgage yet, let alone paying to see her. And I definitely don't have the money to see my pdoc. Last night, I was going in and out of feeling depressed, including brief seconds of suicide, to anger that this is even happening again. I had to take an Ativan to calm down and go to sleep. My chest hurt so much from crying and it felt like I needed to scream.

[Curiosity77]

My birthday is Jan 1, and I can totally relate. I go to other people's birthday parties all year, and sometimes even help with the planning, but I have never had a birthday party. Well, that's not totally true, because as a kid I would have a birthday party, but never on my actual birthday. So I haven't had a birthday party since I was about 12. Growing up, my mother would always throw an annual New Year's day drop in party for her friends, and it was never a celebration of my birthday, so we didn't do anything I wanted to do. I finally told her that I didn't like that when I was 15, and it hadn't even occurred to her.

On my birthday every year people are too tired and hung over to do anything. I try to celebrate on New Year's Eve instead, but that's a NYE party celebration, and most years it sucks.

In the past 10 years my immediate family all have spent New Year's eve and Jan 1 together, but I have not been invited. My sister lives about 2 hours away by ferry, and she has a big house. She has invited my brother and his wife and kids, and my mom and her husband, and some of her friends over for NYE. They don't invite me because I'm single and have no kids. When I asked about it, they told me they figured I had something better to do. I don't have anything better to do. Some years I've been alone, and some years I've been with a friend or 2, doing nothing. It would be nice to be included.

So, yeah, my birthday is totally depressing too. Plus, I start thinking about the years that have passed, and all the things that haven't worked out. There are lots of things that are good about my life, but I always get stuck on the mistakes and disappointments.

I don't know what to tell you as encouragement, except that I really relate, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I don't think people are being intentionally insensitive, but it's hard not to feel like you don't matter.

I'll be thinking of you on July 4.