Episode...? trigger warning

for a good while now i've been having a hard time

im feeling empty, depressed, and loneliness and im annoyed and angry i can't figure out whats going on with me, confused because none of it seems to make sense, at a loss for what to do and feeling hopeless; that maybe i can't be helped

i find it hard to describe how im feeling, how im thinking, i am dissapointed and so aggravated with all of this...
when i first started treatment it was just depression, major depression/anxiety or whatever...

ive read that ADs can make bipolar go crazy... i am on seroquel but dont know if that is a good mood stabilizer
im at a loss and dont know what to do with myself anymore

i have been trying for 2½ years everyday one day at a time to figure this all out and help make it better... only recently have i started restricting my alcohol intake and marijuana usage... not to aggravate any more symptoms

one moment i feel empty, not sad or happy but just here... the next i dont know whats going on with my moods...

i am able to "put on a good show" and wear the fake smile in front of others, i guess because i have no choice because i live with my big family...they don't understand mental illness

i guess thats my rant for today... thanks for reading

it took me over 21/2 years to get stable on meds. drugs and alcohol will mess with this so it is wise to limit their use. AD can can trigger mania in a bipolar. triggered my worse mania ever and psychosis when I was put on Zoloft for my anxiety yet I could take wellbutrin, so it just depends. but I have been doing well for years after years of hopelessness. it just took getting the right mix of meds. maybe you haven't found the right ones. be persistent with your pdoc. take care.

thanks, im sure there is the right combo for me out there i will continue being persistent with my pdoc

sometimes it feels like its just making things worse trying to make it better

Are you seeing a therapist also? Do they know you feel blah?

I.totally she's agree with kaliope. First off I'm so sorry yr struggling right now. Alcohol and drug use is not good while on any of this medication. It makes them not work properly if at all. I used to drink and smoke weed and I felt so hopeless...my meds weren't working properly because I was self medicating with other chemicals.

I can see from yr post that you are really trying to be positive by living one day at a time. Good for you! That's important with mi. Does anyone in yr family support you thru this? You said you have a big family...ads make mania worse yr absolutely right. But some cases people with bp2 depression a little dose of ad works well. It does for me. I've heard that ads are really bad for bp1. But see everyone is different. What works for one may not work for another. You are describing how I felt just 2 months ago. I had to go into the iop program at the hospital. It's the intensive outpatient program. I suffered for almost two years with what you've described. Do you have a good pdoc and therapist? You really need alot of support right now. You can be helped! Many of us have great success stories. I've been where you are! There is hope. You can have a bright future. I did alot of hard work to get where I'm at today. It's not easy. Alot of it can be out of our control cause we need proper meds. And good therapy. So are you only on seroquel? Did you recently get dx as bipolar? You can rant as long as you want. We're here for you. I am now a recovering alcoholic and I feel so much better without it. My meds are well balanced. Finally. Feel free to , pm me anytime. I'd be happy to be there for you.

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Hi, elevatedsoul, I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

Many times family and friends can't comprehend what it's like for us. Mental illness is hard to explain to someone who's never been depressed or manic and the many others that fit under mental illness. What they don't understand makes them uncomfortable. I understand the pasted smile. i use it often.

i was seeing a therapist but i havent rescheduled yet... she told me she was leaving to go back to school in july so she wont be around for much longer
i have been telling them for a while now, im not sure how long, that i dont feel right... we changed over to seroquel from zyprexa a few weeks back i guess and i've noticed no change besides being more tired... i've been sleeping for 12+ hours with almost zero energy during the day

i do have pdoc appointment july 10 so if i can just hold out that long

these are the meds im currently taking
|Buspar 10mg TID
|Bupropion XL 300mg OD
|Clonazepam .5mg PRN
|Cymbalta 60mg OD
|Seroquel XR 300mg OD

my mom tries to support me but she's having her own problems, so... i try not to be a burden

months ago the pdoc diagnosed me bipolar I... my jaw dropped as i didnt expect that at all, but i also did not understand what was happening to me before either... im still on the fence about the dx but maybe he sees something i dont

i think all of these things happening inside me, overlapping symptoms, comorbids, is just taking a toll on me

thanks for the support and kind words, i hope to make an appointment to see the T soon

If that therapist won't be available then find another one soon. You'll want someone to help you work thru these feelings. It sounds like yr on a combo of meds. If you feel like they still aren't right then tell your pdoc next month. They'll know how to help you best. The sleeping too much is hard. I have that problem too. It's hard when we first get dx bp. I couldn't believe it myself. It does take a toll on you...it sure does. But there really is hope. Sometimes it just takes a while to get the right combo of meds. I'm not sure what yr meds are for. Like I know I'm on an ap, ad, anti anxiety and mood stabilizer. Yr mom needs you just as much as you need her. :-)

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