[Losingcontrol89]

Hello all. I'm you're relatively normal 24 yr old. I work a full time job, bought my first brand new car and got my first apartment. I'm also engaged to the man of my dreams and have the wonderful experience of helping to take care of his two young children. But I'm about to lose everything because I am terrified.

I've been battling with myself since I was 14 and it wasn't until I was 16 that I got psychiatric help. I went through years of self injury, drugs and alcohol to try to stop something I didn't understand. When I finally did realize that I needed real help, not self medication, I was instantly put on medication and into therapy. I went through therapists that judged me based on things I had done in my past and the medicine made me a zombie. I wasn't sad or depressed anymore, but I wasn't happy or able to enjoy my life either. I merely existed. When I turned 18, I gave up on professional help because I didn't feel helped. I felt judged and drugged.

So for four years after that I returned to drinking and marijuana. I personally felt like I had control of myself and my emotions and that I could handle the day to day ups and downs. When I did meet my amazing fiancé, I stopped drinking. I didn't hate my life with him in it and didn't feel the need to drink away my reality anymore. I continued to smoke marijuana though, because I believe it truly helped me to calm down and focus on what was real and what was just in my head. In the last few months, I've smoked less and less but have been feeling more and more strained. I started feening for alcohol more and more than a few times resorted to self injury in my rages.

At this point, I have lost control of me. I am not the woman my fiancé proposed to. I struggle to find the drive just to get out of bed to go to work. My fiancé has been telling me for a while now that he loves me but I need to seek out professional help because the spiral I've been going down is not good to have around him (who's been getting his own help) and his children who are too young to understand why I'm so unhappy. I'm terrified of going back to a therapist and being judged again and being put on medications that merely send me through the day instead of uplifting me. Can anyone please give me your opinions on this? I want so desperately to be happy and whole again. I used to love life and live each day so happy.

[sarahblue]

What is worse? Your life right now or feelings of being judged?

If you had a broken leg, would you hesitate going to a doctor for fear of being judged?

You may not have been on the right medications before. You're in a different situation now. Life can be more than just getting through the day.

Also, have you considered AA? It could help with those cravings you describe.

[pawn78]

I resisted getting professional help at your age, but it doesn't have to be a bad experience. Some doctors/therapists are better than others, and some meds work better than others for different people.

I personally refuse to go on Lithium, or any of the drugs with strong side effects, so my Pdoc put me on Lamictal, since it is relatively side-free for most people.

I have had bad therapists and doctors in the past and gave up, but I am glad I finally got a good one. Don't feel judged, you just have a disease and need treatment. Its normal.

[wildflowerchild25]

I did the same thing as you. I got treatment in my teens and then quit treatment after I got ECT and went through a women's trauma program. I thought I was cured mainly because I need agreed with the BP dx in the first place. When I quit treatment I had had enough of judgmental doctors and therapists telling me what my problem was and telling me I didn't know enough to fix it. I also had enough of damaging medications that did more harm than good and doctors that refused to listen when I told them that this drug made me sick or that drug made me worse.

So I was hesitant to go back to all that last year when the symptoms came back full force. But in the last six years I have gained something I didn't have before, and that is self advocacy. I don't let doctors an therapists push me around now just because they have specialized degrees. You don't have to listen and do everything a doctor says just because. If you feel unfairly judged, find another provider. If a med is not working, or has a bad side effect, you can speak up and refuse to continue on it. You're not sixteen anymore. You are an adult and you have so much more power now!

I have an excellent therapist now. She knows when I'm being dramatic versus when I'm in a real crisis. My doctor, while she doesn't like being questioned too much, is a great doctor when it comes down to it. Usually if I explain my side without getting pissed off she will understand and accommodate me. It's different for everyone depending on where you are and how your insurance is but in general I think you will find that now as an adult you will be so much more empowered than you were as a teenager. You will have a better time in treatment.

[~Christina]

If your not comfortable with your treatment team find a new one .. This is YOUR life .. find help from those that will improve your life

[buzz bee]

If what your doing is not working, then look for something that does. I would head to my doctor and tell him what you told us. There are so many drugs out there to help you. (what a blessing)

There are also other stuff to help manage your illness. Therapy, exercise, and being on this board are just a few. I would not worry about being judged. First off when your on meds that are working and you feel right (or close to it) then no one would expect that you are sick. They notice more now because of your depression. Second your man seems supportive. Being with him and new to motherhood is all new. That in itself can be stressful. Do yourself a favor and get the help you deserve.

Keep us posted

[Losingcontrol89]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have decided to take the steps to finding a form of therapy. I realize it's my best chance at being able to love a full life without the whirlwind of emotions constantly. I would love to be able to enjoy my time with my family rather than pretending on the outside and feeling so low inside. You are right, I am no longer a kid and have the right to refuse anything that I feel is more damaging than helpful. I appreciate everyone's opinion very much.