[pepperlynne]

I stopped taking my meds. I feel more alive than I have felt in a year. But its scary... It's too intense sometimes to be me. My moods are so intense..... I don't know I feel lost. I feel as if I am damned no matter what... It's in my genes........ I am feeling very dramatic.. I know I may be over reacting, but the truth is I am holding in so much. I am holding back so much laughter, sadness, anger, because I am scared to let out who I really am.. I don't want them to see the real me. The sometimes nasty mean, cruel me... Why do I get like this?
I'm so lost right now.
No one gets it.
My husband basically guilt tripped me everyday to get off my meds. Well I did it for him! I'm off! And what do I get?? I get NO reward.... I did it for HIM...
and yet I am alone right now.
My friend told me not to. And I'm scared where I'm going to go. The truth is my emotions feel even more tense than I even remember. It's been so long since I felt this electricity in my veins.
I am sorry about this rant. I just have no where to go. No one to tell that ever understands.

[Curiosity77]

I miss that electric feeling too, which is dampened down by meds. But stopping them is so risky. Did you stop cold or did you gradually reduce? The Icarus Project has a book about harm reduction for stopping psych meds, so it might be worth checking that out. But keep an open mind that you may need to go back on meds if you destablize. It sounds like things are already intense, but i don't know what your episodes are like, but i'm guessing it could get worse. I totally relate to wanting to stop meds, i want that too, but for me right now i think it would be a bad idea. Only you know what's right for you. But i think if you stay off meds you should try to put some supports in place, like people you trust who can let you know if you are not ok, and give them instructions for how you want them to respond. And try for the basics, like regular eating and sleeping. It sounds like you are doing this without medical supervision, which is risky, so please be careful. And keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

[Mrs. Mania]

Drop them gradually!!!!!!!! I suffered going off my meds involuntarily and it has been ROUGH!! The mental anguish aside, I suffered horrible physical withdrawal which I am still suffering. Some of the weirdness in my head is almost like that "electricity" you mention, but it is fleeting and sooooo not worth the stability my meds provided me. Taper down, neither you or your husband are going to like what happens from cold turkey!

[pepperlynne]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I miss that electric feeling too, which is dampened down by meds. But stopping them is so risky. Did you stop cold or did you gradually reduce? The Icarus Project has a book about harm reduction for stopping psych meds, so it might be worth checking that out. But keep an open mind that you may need to go back on meds if you destablize. It sounds like things are already intense, but i don't know what your episodes are like, but i'm guessing it could get worse. I totally relate to wanting to stop meds, i want that too, but for me right now i think it would be a bad idea. Only you know what's right for you. But i think if you stay off meds you should try to put some supports in place, like people you trust who can let you know if you are not ok, and give them instructions for how you want them to respond. And try for the basics, like regular eating and sleeping. It sounds like you are doing this without medical supervision, which is risky, so please be careful. And keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

I went cold turkey.. .I couldn't do it any other way. I just felt like I should stop, just in case. Every month I get scared for some dumb reason that I will be pregnant or something... I take birth control too. But my doc has warned me numerous times, that I "CANNOT get pregnant while on depakote." My manias are generally very creative and ambitious-------I enjoy it. THanks for your advice and response.

[pepperlynne]

I was also on an anti depressant for a while too. It was a low dose though..... When I stopped that one last week, I felt like I was on LCD- not that I know what that's like, but it just felt surreal, ALL the time. I felt like I wasn't alive, but in an intense dream. I got so scared one night that I drove myself to the emergency room because I was so dizzy I was scared I was going to black out, and I don't know hit my head and die alone on the floor or something.... In hindsight, maybe that was an overreaction.... Those withdraws are now gone.

[swheaton]

Can I ask why he guilt tripped you? Meds are an important part of recovery....

[foreverbp]

Please be careful when taking yourself off medications without medical advice. Make sure to keep yourself safe during this transition time.

[ceramichornets]

Originally Posted by pepperlynne

I stopped taking my meds. I feel more alive than I have felt in a year. But its scary... It's too intense sometimes to be me. My moods are so intense..... I don't know I feel lost. I feel as if I am damned no matter what... It's in my genes........ I am feeling very dramatic.. I know I may be over reacting, but the truth is I am holding in so much. I am holding back so much laughter, sadness, anger, because I am scared to let out who I really am.. I don't want them to see the real me. The sometimes nasty mean, cruel me... Why do I get like this?
I'm so lost right now.
No one gets it.
My husband basically guilt tripped me everyday to get off my meds. Well I did it for him! I'm off! And what do I get?? I get NO reward.... I did it for HIM...
and yet I am alone right now.
My friend told me not to. And I'm scared where I'm going to go. The truth is my emotions feel even more tense than I even remember. It's been so long since I felt this electricity in my veins.
I am sorry about this rant. I just have no where to go. No one to tell that ever understands.

I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time right now. I know where you're coming from - when I wasn't on meds, I was always cross-referencing my emotions and thoughts to see if they were appropriate to the situation. It was exhausting and a nightmare.

I'm sorry your husband isn't supportive. It's normal to notice a significant change in your spouse's behavior and consider it negative...especially when coupled with meds. You should talk to him and see if he thought it was really affecting how you are and not making your relationship work or if he just has a stigma against it. Don't let him keep you from getting better.

Why did your friend tell you not to? Did he/she say they noticed you were doing well while on them?

We're here for you.

[Disorder7]

I understand why you wouldn't want to be on Depakote. I've read about it a lot and from what I understand it can have some horrible side effects. In fact, you can have side effects even after you stop. I'd rather be batsh*t crazy than take that stuff.
However, I agree with everyone else who is telling you to taper down slowly. Most of us have stopped taking certain meds for different reasons and we are speaking from experience.